Sore Feet

It took me 10 mins to clean off my car this morning, 30 to get to JC Penney's. Instead of growls from those higher than me on the Penney's totem pole, I got applause for showing up at all. I work in the home department, and most of our crew didn't show up for work because of the snow.

My feet hurt; they aren't just sore, they ache all the way to my knees. This ache crawls up my back and neck and behind my eyes and into my brain and then comes out in crabby dialogue with my family. I want a massage. A vacation, rather.

Teacher's don't work during Christmas week--at least, not Christmas Eve. I will tomorrow. My body will be working, but I will be thinking. I'll go through twenty story ideas that will never make it to my fingertips (onto paper, a screen, or even the air outside my head to tell someone, because I work alone now.) Today I started to make up a story in my head, but the story turned into dialogue with old boyfriends. Good Grief. Anyway, I want to be a teacher.

I don't mean to complain, but to document this feeling--this moment of sore feet--because some day I will be a teacher, or something else. Hopefully this will be the last Christmas in Retail, so help me God. And then I can look back and say "Yeah, that sucked. Glad I'm not there any more."

One more day of work, and then I have three days off.

When I got out of the store at 5:05pm today, the sky was bright blue and streaked with pink clouds. I climbed into my salted Stanley car and recognized the sky as a sign that the world outside the department store, the bigger picture, was much more beautiful than the smaller inside world that I occupy for most of my day.

To Quote John Garrett...

Today I babysat John Garrett (2 years old) and as soon as I got there he asked me to read him some books. We read one called Corduroy's Christmas Flip the Flap book or something like that, where you flip open the little flaps to reveal the illustrated Christmas joys. On the first page, you had to "open" Corduroy's Christmas decoration boxes and try to find the angel to go on top of the little bear's Christmas tree. As John opened the boxes, he would yell out what they contained:
"Angel!"
"Candy Canes!"
"Vitamins!"

Vitamins?

"No, John, those are ornaments..."

"Ornaments!"

Drawers for Cribs

Yesterday Nate told me that when he was a baby, his parents lived in an apartment, and his room was actually a closet with a dresser. He slept in one of the drawers as a crib. And when he cried his parents would shut the drawer. No, he was kidding about that, but he really did sleep in a drawer.

alive, yes, but tired.

Hello devoted readers... if there are any. Lisa Czapski updated her blog, about a month ago, and has inspired me to write in this thing again, just in case someone checks it.

Last you heard, I was:
1)Going to Switzerland
2)Learning French
3)Tap Dancing
4)Tutoring Korean Kids
5)Applying for a Fulbright
6)Dating Nate
7)Following Jesus
8)Quitting Smoking

Well... Since then I have:
1)Decided not to go to Switzerland
2)Ditched French
3)Stopped Tap Dancing
4)Quit Tutoring
5)Applied for the Fulbright
6)Stayed with Nate
7)Still an adherent, of course (of course? hm. yeah. yes, of course.)
8) Uh...

1)I joined forces with a theater group called Walk and Squawk--the very group that introduced me to my Fulbright Connection in South Africa. I decided that instead of joining them for a month and then saying "Nice to meet you, now I gotta split..." I would stick around. They are doing the exact kinds of work I proposed to do in South Africa. The money I saved up is now going toward a trip to Durban this summer with the group. In January I will start a story collection with them in the Cass Corridor, but right now I am helping put together a Humanities Convening in Detroit for 2006.

2) No more Francais for me. I got busy with other stuff, like I was just in a play called Flowers for Algernon.

3)I hurt my knee, and then I got a job at JC Penneys that sometimes scheduled me during the class (now they schedule me M-F, 5-11am. LORD HELP ME. This is why I'm tired. I have to get up at 4am). I may start up again after the New Year. I'd like to... We'll see.

4)I gave the job to Jenni when she got back from her honeymoon, because I was just too busy with the play and work and babysitting and Walk and Squawk. Gosh I miss those kids though.

5)Done applied already... Now I'm waiting to hear back. I will know if I did not make the first "cut" at the end of January. If I do get the Fulbright, I will be gone from Jan-Nov, 2006. If I don't, I'm applying for Grad School and Moving Out.

6)Yes, of course. Who wouldn't stay with a guy who interrupts you while you're talking to sigh and say, "I love the sound of your voice" ? (HAH, we'll see how long he loves it, because Lord Knows, I can talk.)

7)Yep, still following Jesus, and still learning things about Him.

8) I haven't smoked in a week! Hahahaha.

OTHER NEWS:
9)In February I will be playing Margot in the Jewish Ensemble Theater's annual remount of Diary of Anne Frank

It's probably good that I haven't updated in a while, because I'm sure that many of the blogs would've been chock-full of political acerbity. But don't worry if you feel bad for missing it... I'm pretty sure there will be for more years of my attitude problem documented.

Tappa Tappa Tappa

I found Otis.

I googled his name and then found that he was teaching tap at the Motor City Dance Factory. I took one lesson there, but it was too easy, so now I'm in an intermediate class that meets in Otis' basement. That class was almost too hard... But I'm so glad to be tapping again. Hurray, Hurray.

OTHER NEWS:

The Fulbright Application is in. Now whether or not I'm going to South Africa is not in my hands.

I'm in a play. It's called Flowers for Algernon. You may know it--a retarded guy gets a miracle cure and becomes a genius, falls in love with his teacher, visits his parents who don't remember him, and the cure fades out and he goes back to being retarded. I play the teacher. It's at Rosedale Park Players (my neighborhood theater) and goes up before Thanksgiving in November. Let me know if you want to come and I'll keep you posted.

I'm still tutoring and I may start working at JC Penny's. I have an interview on Monday.

That's all folks.

Hop shuffle hop, slap step-step

___________ and Chocolate Milk

I went to Chicago last weekend with Nate. We quit smoking together while we were there, gradually weaning ourselves of the cigarettes. I haven't smoked since Tuesday and then I only had half a cigarette. I spent Wednesday and Thursday warding off cravings with gum and I spent Friday with a sore jaw.

I cried once on Thursday night when I was drafting my Fulbright proposal. I couldn't get more than two sentences out and cigarettes are a quick fix for my writer's block. Today I cried again, after I'd spent four hours straight writing another draft and my mother had found tons of mistakes and pointed out that my opening paragraph needed to be re-written (the very paragraph that blocked me into tears on Thursday.)

A couple of my friends call Nate a Sunshine Boy. This means that he is happy--almost never sad. He is enthusiastic and fun, gorgeous and kind and, yep, bery very happy. This compliments my instability and tendency to dip to emotional lows pretty well. But he can't understand why its much harder for me to quit smoking than it is for him. I get frustrated with a paragraph and, without a cigarette, put my head down and try to collect my thoughts. But my thoughts don't collect, they bleed into harsher thoughts and I can't get them to stop, so soon I'm no longer dripping tears of writer's block frustration, but sobbing tears of anguish at what a difficult person I am, at how I am a walking nightmare to anyone who wants to get close to me, at why and how I possibly could have ended up this way.

I told myself that I can sort my thoughts through another means than smoking. Like, playing the guitar and maybe writing a song. ENNNNGH. No. It doesn't work. I still feel like crying and if I start I can't stop. Crying leaves me feeling exhausted and helpless. Smoking leaves me feeling stable and perhaps indifferent. Is this what anti-depressants do?

My parents are downstairs avoiding me like the plague. "Nora's crying, let's get the helloutta here!" My boyfriend and Lisa are going to be here soon, and I'm afraid that when they see my mood they are going to want to run, too.

Anyway, I quit smoking. Aren't you proud?

(I'll write again when I'm feeling more positive... Sorry people.)

Post Campout Extravaganza Update

Hello faithful readers. Long time no see, sorry. I just got back from the Northwest Fellowship Campout. Lots has been going on.

My mother broke her arm and pulled her shoulder out of joint. Now she's recovering and has never been in so much pain. Prayers for her are appreciated.

I moved out of AA and into the D. This has been kind of rough for me but I've been thinking about that beatles song, "you say good-bye, and I say hello." I've said good-bye to one life and on to the next phase.

I have a boyfriend. Many of you know him, Nate Rivard. This happened on the campout. I'm pretty excited about this, I think it's going to last, Switzerland and all. He was really seeing things about Jesus at the campout and so that has been thrilling for me. We've been friends for a while, but he decided, after a week of living with me in the woods, that it was okay to tell me he liked me. I said, "I like you too" (which I doubt was any sort of surprise to him) and then we prayed about it. What's nice about getting a boyfriend after a week devoid of showering, is that you know that he's seen you at your absolute worst--sanitation-wise--so it must be something real (The only showers I got were baths, in a river. I did this by choice).
He has an amazing family--three siblings and really cool parents (all believers), and I'm happy that they are going to be a part of my life. Nate, for those who don't know, is a rock-star (okay, maybe not a star yet, but he is to me...) He's in a band called Ace and Asher, and they are really fantastic. I'm looking forward to seeing them play frequently. I hope they last a while.
How did I meet Nate? I sort of grew up with him--I met him through family friends. They belong to the web of metro Detroit christian fellowship. I've known him since I was probably 15, but didn't really start getting to know him until Memorial Day this year. My friend Xander brought him to the NWF picnic, and we were hanging out there, but we have just been friends since.
The other night, when we started going out, he told me he really wants to encourage my relationship with Jesus, which has given me a strong sense of security in him. More about him... Let's see. Besides the fact that he's one of the most caring and considerate people I know, I am happy to tell you that he was an Eagle-Scout. Translation: he's a handy guy. He knows stuff like how to make camp fires and survive plagues. I don't know about plagues, but at least he can survive the wilderness. He's an adventurous guy as well, and I think we're just going to have a lot of fun together. A while back his mother told me that she knew her husband was it when she realized she felt at home with him. Well, I don't know what God has in store, but I can definitely say that I feel at home with Nate. I'm taking this one seriously. Oh, one more thang. He's also an NJ. His middle name is John, so he's Nathaniel John and I'm Nora Jean. I'm Nojay and he's Najay. Okay. I'll stop.

Jenni's wedding is on Saturday. AH!!!! I'm thrilled and stressed about it. So I'm making trips back and forth from AA all week, coming home to my invalid mother.

At the campout, I made this realization: I have a lot of regrets, but one thing I have not regrets about is deciding to follow Jesus. He has never let me down. I've let Him down, sure, but He has been so faithful to me. I'm sure that it probably has something to do with God that I'm not doing theater and my life has taken a few swings and had some misses, but He's been guiding me and I don't regret that.

Here's something I realized at the campout, too. There's a verse in Hebrews that says He's the author and perfector of our faith. I was riding back to Oscoda when I asked God to be the author of my story--that I wanted Him to run the plot and develop my character. But then I wanted to know what the title would be. Would it be, "How Nora Went From Theater to Writing"? Or maybe, "How Nora Saved Detroit," or "How Nora fell in love with Nate Rivard." But then I made the realization of what my story is called. "My Faith." He's the author and perfector of "Our Faith." This made me laugh, but I like it. I know that God doesn't add uneccessary details, that he makes all parts of the story fit into the flow of my faith, the tight theme. And the story never ends, when he's writing it. That's cool to me.

Okay, I'm going to try to figure out how to post a picture of Mr. Nate on here, but if I don't, you can see a slide show of Big Doings on Bigdoings.com Nate is the guy with the bass in the first picture, singing with Ace and Asher. I think it's the first... one of them.

Thanks for reading this epic entry.

A Story About One of My Kids

On Friday I tutored Paul, age 8. When I met Paul I was introduced to him as "Pole" by a previous family's mother. "Are you sure his name isn't Paul?" I asked. "No. Pole," she reiterated. It wasn't until I met him and had him write out his name that I knew his name was Paul. Many of these families are Christian, so I asked him if he knew where his name came from. "He has two names..." the boy told me. So I guess they are Christian.

Okay, so I use Mad Libs as a teaching tool because it helps the kids learn their nouns and verbs adjectives and adverbs. Usually the kids take forever telling me the part of speech I ask for--like any english speaking american.
"Verb."
Uh... "Running. I mean..." Uh.... "Squat"
Not Paul. He thought this game was a race. I'd say, noun and then he would start to shoot them off his tongue as fast as they'd come. "Shirt! Bed! Stone! Cloud! Sun!" So I'd just choose the one that was funniest in the text. When I read it back to him he cracked up to tears. It was a joyful tutoring session indeed.

Revelation

Today I find comfort in the idea that, though I am far from perfect, I would be a lot worse off if it weren't for Jesus.

I think I should take time, since I've mentioned the rehearsal dinner, to say that the wedding last night was beautiful and very reflecting of Emily and Alex. The secret to a good wedding is do as few of the cliche's as possible. No garters at my wedding. No throwing the bouquet. Pick the ones you like. If you like dancing, do dancing. But you don't need the bubbles.

The Loney wedding was elegant and simple--nothing real complicated and everything seemed to fit well. The music during the ceremony was classical. It was nice to hear John Downer play his trumpet--I hadn't. There was a small orchestra, a quintet? And Ian sang some Handel. The gowns were pretty and also simple. I was impressed with the suits (I think I just like guys in suits. This is weird to acknowledge...) though the poor groomsmen were were too hot, as in temperature, as in sweating, in them.

Ian and I MC'd the reception. We think we are funnier than we are, and this was apparent. We saw early on that our brand of clever wasn't really hitting home with the "audience," so we kept it simple. For instance:

IAN: Many of you have asked us what it meant that we were mistress and master of ceremony tonight. Nora, what does that mean?
NORA: It means that this is a hostile take-over and the wedding is ours.

...dribbles of laughter...

IAN: Just kidding
NORA: We were kidding.

It's weird to see Ian and Nora written and not be talking about Ian Bonner.

The music was provided by the Steve Sharp Quartet--Swing Standards and Jazz music. Very classy as well. Oh, the reception was at Weber's. The Ceremony was at the Methodist Church on the corner of State and Huron.

I danced a little. I'm not too good at that, though I'd like to improve. Toward the end of the night I had a very interesting conversation with one of Alex's groomsmen, who took a lot of playwrighting courses here at UM with Oyamo. The kid looked like John Lennon, which was kind of weird. If you're going to look like a celebrity, though, that celebrity might as well be John Lennon. Anyway, I get such a kick out of talking to writers. I think once I got such a kick out of talking to actors. This is a weird thought.

Nice Wedding though. A nice reminder of God's relationship with the church. I guess marriage is good for SOMEthing... ;)

Some Cat Stevens

Lisa gave me a copy of Footsteps in the Dark. Here is the lyric that is with me today:

"But sometimes you have to moan when nothing seems to suit yer
But nevertheless you know you're locked towards the future

So on and on you go, the seconds tick the time out
There's so much left to know, and I'm on the road to findout"

I have felt like moaning all day. It's an interesting thing to think that sometimes we HAVE to do that. And that we're locked toward the future. No matter what happens or what has happened, we're only moving in one direction: forward. I guess the real question is are we moving on an upward plane or a downward spiral?

Last night I went to Emily Harris and Alex Loney's rehearsal dinner. This was a lovely gathering on the Huron River in one of Ann Arbor's Metro Parks. I don't know really where, Ian Drove. Rivers remind me of the campout or sadly and nostalgically, the roadtrip. Ian and I, as I may have mentioned, have the job of MCing the reception. I felt really honored to be there. The food was lovely and the wine was good--donated by Alex's uncle.
It's hard for me to admit to myself that I am old enough to be married. Maybe I am not, but some people my age are. I still feel very young, as I've said, and don't know what a husband would do with my scheming habit, a habit I am not ready to let go of.

I met with my favorite Irishman, James McNaughton, yesterday for coffee and had a blast chatting about how to get around Europe. Irish citizens have Europe and all its employment opportunities at their disposal. James was very encouraging about me learning French. "Oh, you'll pick it up after living there for a little while. It's easy." Yeah right, Mr. McNaughton. French is going to kick my ass in the challenge, but that's something my first English teacher here at UofM knows all about--kicking my ass in the challenge. This is a man who makes his incoming freshman study James Joyce as soon as they walk in the door. Well, anyway, it was a fun visit.

While I was at the Dinner my friend Tait asked me who I would dedicate my first book to. I said, depends on what that book is about. He said, "Your travels."
I said, "Around the country? Lisa."
He said, "Okay, how about on a private trip to Europe."
"Switzerland?" I said. He nodded. I told him my first book would be called "Neutral" about the land of no political stances. The book would be dedicated to Paul Simon, who has given us the lyric, "I have no opinion about that. I have no opinion about me."

Another Step Closer to Conquering the World

Life is still exciting out here in the big AA. Claudine Mamo called me with some job ideas in mind for my stay in Switzerland. Her brother-in-law owns a theater/jazz singing cafe in Lausanne. Her sister offered to set up a room for me in there. It's in the basement of a building that, apparently, according to Bill Mamo, looks like a castle. And it's in the center of the city, so I would be in walking distance of all the shops, etc. "It's nothing luxurious" says Claudine. To me, it sounds outrageously exciting. In return I would help out with the cafe. There is also a job opportunity for me to help tour youngsters around in the mountains as a teacher's aid type deal. This will require me to learn french phrases such as "not so close to the edge" or "come back" or "no, it's too cold to go swimming." This job would provide lodging for me as well, and food. I would be able to do that for the month of May. So, okay, here's the itinerary for my trip so far:
Jan 4-March 21--L'Abri
End of March, April--live in cafe, meet people and look for job opportunities
May--Hike with the kids
June and beyond--tentative
I believe that I will get a visa for January to November (or, if I have to get a year, a year, but I plan on returning before Christmas 2005), and hopefully opportunities will come up for work. Claudine mentioned I may get tutoring jobs teaching kids English. I am hoping to make some money so I can pay her sister for the place and for much of the food I'll be eating. Her sister has been very gracious in her offers though. I'm pretty excited about this. I should be forced to learn french, which is scary and good for me.

While I'm at L'Abri I will hear about the Fulbright. If I get the scholarship, I may come home earlier than November so I can get a job and make money to spend in South Africa. It's all up in the air about that. But the application process is coming along. I wrote a Fulbright advisor (called the "commission") in South Africa and heard back from him today. His name is Solomon. Hm, thought I. An advisor named Solomon. I made this connection mainly because I'm reading Proverbs. Anyway, Wise Solomon said I will need to apply at the University of Kwazulu-Natal as a Masters student in Theater Studies. The idea of being a grad student as early as 2006 is strange to me, but maybe by then I'll be ready.

Today I met Annette Masson, who is writing a letter of recommendation for my application. She was the dialects teacher for the theater dept. Turns out, she used to be on the Fulbright committee here at UofM, so she is full of good advice herself. Now I just need to continue specifying my proposal. Annette advised me to tell as many people as I can about what I plan to do there, as good practice for knowing what I want to do and sounding like I know what I'm doing for the interview portion of the application.

After seeing Annette, I tutored Paul and Gyu Rie, my two 8 yr old Korean kids. Then I went to see this woman read at Shaman Drum, who is a non-fiction writer. I bought her book (I'm such a splurge) because it sounded so good and interesting. She signed it and asked me if I was a writer and I said yes, fiction and non-fiction. She told me to look into her University where she teaches, in North Carolina, where they have a MFA Non Fiction program. After that I went to the Ann Arbor Brewering Company and saw my friend D. from the theater dept. She is a PhD candidate and she just got a Fulbright for Australia next January. She's going to Sydney tomorrow to work for two weeks with a theater company there. Then she's going to Helsinki for a theater conference. I have gotten to know here a bit in the past few months, and all her graduate student friends, which has been interesting. I still feel so young.

After D's going away party at the bar, I went to my friend Emily's bachelorette party. I had a good time. We played games and ate desserts. It wasn't all that raunchy, which is nice. I still think the bachelorette party would be the most nerve-wracking part about a wedding. I don't know why, it just really makes me uncomfortable to think about.

Okay, I'm going to bed. Sorry these updates are so sparse that they have to be so long.

One Step Closer to Conquering the World

Hello my faithful readers. There has been lots of goings-on around here. Let me tell you of more of the pipe-dreams that have been sprouting out as well of what has been occupying my time.

WHAT I GET PAID FOR:
Jamaican Jerk Pit: As my days here are winding down, I can only hope that I will never have to wait tables again. But the job, as a whole, has been good to me and there are not very many complaints. Working with Ian has been a blast, as well as with my co-worker Derrick, our only authentic Jamaican. Lisa, he wants to know when he will get to speak to you again. Haha. My Jamaican accent has improved considerably over the last couple of month

Tutoring Korean Children:
I had to let go of two of my kids today, Julie (8) and Sophia (11), as they are returning to Korea this weekend. This saddens me greatly, because of all the kids, I'd say they loved me the most. Or at least they pretended to love me the most (when I'd arrive at there home, they would fight about who would get to tutor first). They were delightful children and I am going to miss them. I did, however, pick another student up. He's a boy this time. Paul, age 8. I now tutor six hours a week--more than I have my in my whole experience with this job. I am finding my tutoring skills have come along way, and I am considering, one of these years before grad school, going over to Korea to teach English for a year. I might as well see an Asian country while I'm out conquering the world.

The Bug Range:
I still sort grasshoppers. I go when I can, which hasn't been that often lately. Hopefully I can get myself to go to that job more often because money is good.

WHAT I DON'T GET PAID FOR BUT IS TAKING UP MY TIME
Writer's Groups:
I've joined two writer's groups. Both are small and both welcome additional people, if you're interested. On Saturdays I meet Cat Williams, a friend through a friend who is becoming a good friend, at Espresso Royal on State Street at 1pm. We've only met once, but are trying to make it a weekly thing. And I think Kristina is joining us tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that. We exchange a draft a week, and during the meetings do writing excersizes. I also meet with a bi-weekly group of less-familiar faces on ever other Thursday at a different ERC on Plymouth Road. These group, I'm hoping, will help me really get cracking on my writing, an area in which I've been slacking wayyy too much lately. When I'm not writing I feel useless; just working and making money does not satisfy me.

The GRE:
I've been trying to learn how to take that damned test. I hate this world, mostly because of standardized tests. I'm hoping to be able to just get it over with so I can go travel and not think about it.

Big Doings:
I'm the only prose reader in this potluck/concert event. Nate and Xander and Charlie's band are playing. Erik Thor is playing. I'm pretty excited about this. I've been getting a piece together and so it's nice, like I said before, to be writing and have a project. Right now the thing's too long. I have 20 mins to read and I think I have about 40 mins of material. Hopefully my 1st writer's group will help me to cut cut cut.

Fulbright Application:
Do you know that part in "I know what I know" by Paul Simon when he asks the girl "aren't you the woman who was recently given a Fulbright?" Well, I'm applying for that scholarship to study over-seas. My destination (Godwilling) would be South Africa to study writing and do independent research in personal histories. My application process made huge strides today when I went downtown Detroit to see a performance by this group called Walk and Squawk who has close ties with South Africa. I found a woman there who is a theater professor at a University in Pietermaritzburg, Kwazulu Natal. She has agreed to help me narrow down my proposal and write a letter that I need to give to the Fulbright people stating that she wants to work with me in South Africa. The fact that I met this woman today is a shear miracle--I was about to give up this pipedream because I didn't know how I would make the necessary connections I would need to apply. Hopefully, these connections will be strong enough that even if I didn't get the Fulbright, I'd still maybe have an opportunity to go there for a while. The fact that I have met the connection face to face should help my application to shape and compete with the other kids trying to get Fulbright's to South Africa.

Weddings:
Emily Harris is getting married to Alex Loney in about a week or something? They have asked Ian and me to MC the Reception and Weber's. I'm looking forward to this and think it should be a fun event.
I'll be standing up in my roomate's wedding on August 21. The intense preparation period is in full swing and I live with a stressed couple of people. But I'm excited about this wedding too.

NEAR-FUTURE PLANS:
I'll be moving back to Detroit in the first week of August, and then I'll go to the NWF Campout August 6-13. When I get back to the D I will have to find a job so I can rake money in for my trip to Europe in January (I'm planning to go to L'Abri in Switzerland from Jan 4-March 21, and then depending on Fulbright results and personal funding, stay in Europe for as long as possible). I also will probably participate in some volunteer work with Walk and Squawk since their projects have really appealed to me: www.walksquawk.org I also aim to take the GRE in December, maybe? There's also all that passport and Visa stuff to settle.

FAR OFF PIPE DREAMS:
I still want to, eventually, apply to an MFA program in creative writing, but first I have been shooting around the idea of applying for a Master's degree in Urban Planning at UofM's architecture school. Of course, we'll see how I feel about this when I get back from travelling. Right now, I want to get out of here and stay out for a while.

Nightmares

"When you're young, you think everything you do is disposable. You move from now to know, crumpling time up in your hands, tossing things, and people too--leave them behind. You don't know yet the habit they have, of coming back.
...
Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been.
~Margaret Atwood, THE BLIND ASSASSIN

I've been having such dreams, meeting people I have tried to forget. I don't cry about them any more, in real time. Just in my dream's time. Is it possible that Christians make mistakes that they can never escape? Jesus shows us a new world, but do we ever get out of the old one? My life isn't over. Some how, I must believe, he reforms the old into something useful.

Though it hurts to remember, I must be persistant in prayer, in praying for those who I want to forget. If I am reminded of them, I can remember to pray.

" Smiles and laughter and pleasant times
There's love in the world but it's hard to find
I'm so glad I found you -- I'd just like to extend
An invitation to the festival of friends.

Some of us live and some of us die
Someday God's going to tell us why
Open your heart and grow with what life sends
That's your ticket to the festival of friends.

Like an imitation of a good thing past
These days of darkness surely will not last
Jesus was here and he's coming again
To lead us to his festival of friends.

Black snake highway -- sheet metal ballet
It's just so much snow on a summer day
Whatever happens, it's not the end
We'll meet again at the festival of friends. "

A little update

I've been keeping pretty busy. This weekend started when Rebecca Ridenour, Nate Rivard and his sister Rose came out here on Friday night. Rose went to a concert for much of the evening. The Bible study we usually have was cancelled because Niki and Jenni were up north for one of their three wedding showers. Rebecca, Nate, and I went and grabbed Thai food before heading over to Top of the Park for a free concert. My friend Dan met us there and we hung out until Rose called because her concert was over. then we all went back to my apartment and Bekah Brown joined us there for a game of that hot-potato/taboo thing--what's it called? Catch Phrase. It was a highly enjoyable evening.

On Saturday I worked at the Pit. In the morning, before work, Rebecca and I had a nice visit. We had our own Bible study (studying proverbs) and then we went over to the Farmer's Market so she could find a present for a graduation party. The pit was dull and slow, but there was one funny occurance. Right before we closed, this man and his wife walked in and ordered tea and a vegetable boat and started to ask me about how business was. I gave them the usual shpeal about how business was slow b/c the students were gone, but not too bad because we had a nice review in the paper. "How would you like to be in the Freepress?" he asked.
"You work for the Freepress?"
"I'm just enjoying a nice evening out." At 11:45pm. At the Jerk Pit. Hm.
I told him that I wanted to be a writer, but he wouldn't talk to me about his obvious job as a writer. He also mentioned that he had visited 6 restaurants that evening, so it was pretty clear that he was reviewing us. I wonder if he thought we were psycho.

Yesterday I faced the day with a mere 2 hours of sleep the previous evening. I went to church and stayed attentive for Randy Baxter's teaching. Then I met Nate and his family at the Detroit Festival of the Arts downtown. I LOVE MY CITY. The festival was fabulous. We saw this Cuban Jazz band play and that was probably my favorite part. Nate and Rose got up and danced the little bit of Salsa they learned together, which was fun to watch. Then their little sister, Emilie, was a but bummed that she didn't get to dance with him so he went up there with her too. The crowd was pleased. So, the group I was with at that point was Anne Rivard, Nate, Emilie, Rose, Greyson Buckingham, and Rebecca R. who came out with me. At about 4 the Rivards and Greyson left for a graduation party, and Rebecca and I ran into Jay and Scott from the Psalters, who were there playing with this guy named Ken Butler, who specializes in hybrid instruments (making guitars out of shovels and violins out of umbrellas, etc.) We watched them play, and then we went over to see Hugh Masekelah (sp?), a political South African trumpeter who was exiled during the Apartied.

After visiting with most of the Psalters band, I got to talking to this guy from Nigeria for a while and he gave me the scoop on South Africa. I've had a growing interest in apartied, so this was very cool for me. Then I went up closer to the stage and it started raining. This woman named Toni came up to me and shared her umbrella with me "Girl, you stand under here with me," she said. She was very sweet. Rebecca joined us later and we all started talking. Toni asked what my plans are (big surprise) and I told her about how I like to write about Detroit. She gave me some interesting resources and ideas for how to keep going with this collection of Detroit Essays I may or may not be working on. Anyway, talking to her was like a big kick in the ass to get cracking on my writing. I was really happy to talk to her. She was a believer, and kept encouraging me to keep going with my project and let the Spirit guide me. I miss this about the city. So many believers.

Rebecca and I decided to get going soon after we talked to Toni, and Nate called us to tell us to come over to his house in Royal Oak to watch the game, which we did. The Pistons won. Over all, it was a great day to be from the D.

At about 12:30am, I drove Rebecca to her car, still at the YWCA where my church meets. I was going to drive back to Ann Arbor, and I prayed before I left that God would protect me on the drive, I was soooo wiped out. And then I heard his voice say, "If you want to live to see tomorrow morning, I suggest you spend the night at your parents." 4 mins away instead of 35. So I did.

Calling all Narnia experts

Go to Narnia.com and take the "Test your knowledge" quiz about the Chronicles of Narnia. It's fun. :)

And did you know that Tilda Swinton'll be playing the White Witch in the Disney Movie?.... DISNEY movie?

RATE ME

On a scale from 1-10, 10 being masculine and 1 being feminine, which am I?

1.........................5........................10
Really girly / In the middle / Shoulda been a man.

Haha, this is a game i play with my friend Ben P. Just wondered what you all thought.

Political Mish Mash

Okay, so I don't know what it is specifically, but lately the politics news have really creeped me out. I think it's because I have created the habit of checking the CNN.com page in the past couple of weeks, and everything seems faulty. Why were there Army Officials who didn't say they were sorry about the abuse in the prisons, who actually came off like they were defending those who were guilty? Why did the CIA guy just quit, 3 mos. before the election? I try not to think about these things too much, but they're really getting under my skin.

Summer Reading

Now that I'm out of school (for a while) I'd like to remind myself of the freedom I have to read what I want and write what I want...

It's funny when "summer reading" becomes "well, if i don't finish it by the fall I can read it then!"

Not bad, people. Not bad.

More Romans

I have been reading Romans, obviously, and I read chapter 14 today. It was so good that I decided to post it, because I think this subject is something God has been teaching me about since I'vebeen following Him.

CHAPTER 14:
"1Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters. 2One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. 4Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand. "

I love how Paul calls vegetarians weak! Hahaha. I actually think that word is used because of some word translation problems... or maybe he just thought that it took more faith to eat a steak. It's funny that there's a part in the Bible that instructs how christians should treat vegetarians (and vegans...) But I love that line, "Who are you to judge someone else's servent?" If one man feels called to sacrifice something, be it rated R movies or pork chops, we are not to judge them. This was good for me to read, because I often shake my head at Christians who are always sacrificing things--shutting the world out, I call it.

"5One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. 6He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. 8If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. "

That last verse here is priceless. If only we could live like that. WHETHER WE LIVE OR DIE, WE BELONG TO THE LORD.

"9For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living. 10You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.
11It is written:
   " 'As surely as I live,' says the Lord,
'every knee will bow before me;  every tongue will confess to God.' "[1]
12So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
13Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way. 14As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food[2] is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. 15If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died. 16Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. 17For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men. "

DO NOT BY YOUR EATING DESTROY YOUR BROTHER FOR WHOM CHRIST DIED. Don't get nit-picky! We need to hear this constantly, I think. If only we'd all stop wasting our time on issues that didn't matter--can you imagine how unified the Church would be?

"19Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. 20Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall. 22So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin. "

Keep your opinions between yourself and God. I think that's pretty damn good advice--though, that is my opinion... I love that idea though, that we should not "Condemn ourselves by what we approve." Way to go, Paul.

Renewing the Mind

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
~Paul (Letter to the Romans, Chapter 12, verse 2)


I've been thinking about this verse a lot lately. In my search for my future (that's what I think I'll call my scraping around for direction) this seems to me the only answer that gives me peace. My thoughts are slowing me down, causing me to waste time by complaining and having regret about things that just can't be helped at this point. My mind needs transformation.


This thought is one of the many rivers that flows into the ocean of following Jesus. Another important one is listening to his voice. But to listen we need to seek Him. We seek Him by calling out to Him. To hear Him we need to stay near Him. We stay near Him by obeying His Word.


Jesus promises us that if we seek His kingdom first, everything else will figure itself out. He'll take care of what brings us anxiety if we focus on Him and put Him first. None of this is possible until we examine who we are, what we're thinking about, and ask Him for renewal.


"You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behind"
~Lauryn Hill

Wild Obnoxious Behavior

put a theater major and a voice major together and you will get annoyance at high decibals.

I've been hanging around Ian Trevethan lately, and let me just say that my behavior level has gone down three notches. Ian's really into Miss McNeely stories lately, especially the ones about Beowulf, and so he likes to scream BEOwulf! at the top of his lungs at work when there are no customer's around. Hilarious, people--funnier than Hugo and his cucumbers. Anyway, so after work, at 1am, we rode around Ann Arbor and screamed at people from his car windows. What did we scream? "Hey, Grendel!" "Beowulf!" "Ecgetheow!" "Beaver!"

Pioneer HS had just gotten out of their prom, so we also yelled "Prom!"

Obviously, the reactions from these people are the best part of acting a fool. Some people would just give us looks, like, "did you say something to me?" But sometimes people, almost always males, would scream back something like "yeah!!" thinking we had said something like "Go Blue!" But no. We were saying "Grendel!"

Posts and Comments

Sorry, I didn't check the settings very well for the new blog. Apparently, I had it so you had to be registered to comment.

Not so anymore.

Fritos

I need to put this story down.

So, I was working at the pit, and this lady came in with this big paper bag full of groceries. She kind of wobbled in, stumbled in, and she was eating Fritos; when she spoke to me, Fritos poured from her lips and were bunched between her teeth. She ordered a half jerk chicken, regular french fries and some coleslaw. Is that how you spell coleslaw? We just write "slaw". Anyway, when I came back up to her (she was in the upstairs porion of our restaurant and the kitchen is downstairs) she was ripping away at a salad she had in her grocery bag. She dropped an empty Fritos bag and told me that she wanted Fritos. I told her we didn't sell those but she could buy them at the diag party store. And then she walked out of the door.

My boss was pretty annoyed that I hadn't had her pay right away, but oh well. Ian and I got a free dinner.

Hot Jerks

Hello again, Fair Reader. I hope you don't mind my new settings.I think they are slightly obnoxious, but whatever.

Today I woke up with a runny nose and the sniffles. Runny nose+Sniffles=redundant. Sorry. SO, I have to work from 5 to midnight tonight, that's a seven hour shift. Hopefully Ian and Derek will be working with me. Ian is a guarantee, Derek isn't. Derek is our genuine Jamaican (that phrase actually has alliteration in it.) Working with Derek means my Jamaican accent will improve. It also means that I may be recieving some life advice. Last time he gave me a lecture on why I should wait until I'm 30 to get married. I told told him, with the outlook the way it is right now, that shouldn't be a problem.

Achoo.

I haven't had a cold in what seems a while. But if you were planning on getting the jerk tonight, you may want to wait until the waiter is healthy.

Another side note, my favorite aspect of my job is asking the customers "how hot do you want your jerk?"

How hot do you want YOUR jerk?

this Simpson's lyric needs to be documented.

It's from a parody to Mary Poppins, except, this time her name is Cherry Bobbins. This is to the tune to "Spoonful of Sugar:"

if you cut every corner it is really not so bad
everybody does it, even mom and dad
if nobody sees it, then nobody gets mad
it's the American way

(Okay, since this worked so well the last time...)

PUNKY'S DILEMMA
What does this one mean?

And while we're here... how about:
THE MYTH OF FINGERPRINTS

Anyone? Anyone?

How come I always manage to buy the worst wallets? The one I have now doesn't hold change, and the credit card holders are split at the edges, so I guess the thing doesn't hold credit cards either...

Anyone have a good wallet and want to share the brand with me?

I just got a SPAM with the subject:

Eliminate Bills the Christian Way...

?

"...Always traveling but not in love.
Still, i think I'm doing fine.
Wouldn't it be a lovely headline:
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL on a New York Times."
~Rufus Wainwright

This song has been my anthem this semester. Today after work I drove Ian home and then sang it to myself, realizing, once again, that I'm not in love with anyone. After a a 7 hour shift at the restaurant, going home to some one who just wants to see ME is such a torturous fantasy. All I can think of as I mop the floor is, "I want a big long hug."

I guess I like the song because it reminds me that life is beautiful. That's really corny, I know. But life with Jesus really is beautiful, and I can say that even though I don't have any mutual "Pining After" in my life. There's a lot of bullshit in this life. Tons, I know. But there's beauty too.

I went to the Buckinham's Bible Study and felt that glimmer of the next life that I only feel when I'm with fellowship. Clifford and I talked for a while, relating the things about Jesus we were seeing displayed in our life. This question of "How do we really know?" has been coming up again and again, mostly in our Bible study we have here in my apartment. Clifford and i talked about the comfort we have in knowing that Jesus is alive and preparing a world beyond our imagination, and how morbid and empty life without Him is (You can't talk to Clifford without hitting the "morbid and empty" points in the topic). I concluded the conversation with "Well, I hope we're right. Or we're screwed."

Another girl, Heather, commented, "That's the thing. We life our life and sacrifice everything for something we'll never see in this life." I disagreed with her. Jesus gives us so much of Himself to see in this life. We just have to seek Him for it. We seek Him and we see Grace and forgiveness, Truth and Joy. And if you take this world and remove death from it, death in its many forms, you will find something beautiful. With these thoughts, I can go to sleep after a long-ass annoying shift and be reminded that "I'm doing fine" and "Life is Beautiful" would be a lovely headline, after all.

Okay, here's a Paul Simon quote I can understand (and I enjoy)

"Some people never say the words I LOVE YOU
It's not their style to be so bold
Some people never say those words I LOVE YOU
But like a child, they're longing to be told."
~Something So Right

I think Lisa had this up somewhere...?

KODACHROME:

Is there more to this song than Paul's desire to take pictures? If not, why would you write a song about taking pictures? There must be something more...

Obla di, obla da

Life goes on

La la la la life goes on.

And... She's back.

I was in Oregon, for those who did not know.

How was the audition? I thought it was pretty lame. My mouth got really dry (a nervous habit) right before I started my pieces and that may have totally ruined it all. The audition was probably the weakest point of the trip. The drive down to Ashland was spectacular (my mother and I landed in Portland, stayed 2 nights with the Aker family in Southern Washington and then drove 5 hours S to Ashland). Visiting the Aker's Five Acres was quite a different experience, being there with my mother. Less NWF "Discussion," and a little more sight seeing. Nice people live out there. Strange, though. If you ask how Portland is, you'll get the answer, "Very liberal, there are a lot of homosexuals." And George Bush is a hero there, which is a bit frustrating. The church service wasn't the Rye-Cheese-Mess I may have anticipated. It kind of reminded me of my Aunt Judy's church in Grass Lake. Bill took us (That is, my mom, Francie, her youngest daughter Sadie and me--their other kids, Lucy and Patrick were out and about) to Stevenson, WA, which was a cute Gorge town, and we had steelhead fish which was really good... for fish. And then we, hm, what did we do? Oh, we saw a fish ladder. Don't ask me what that is, I couldn't tell you. But Sadie was cute, and she talked to me a bit more this time than last time. She looks like a perfect Ramona Quimby, or Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird. She has the personality of both.
We drove 5 hours down to Ashland, like I said, and the view out my window was so beautiful, I thought I would see Heidi and Peter running down the green hills with their goats and sheeps. Sheep. After the audition, we drove up the 5 again (That's a highway) for three more hours. It was, by this time, kind of stormy and foggy, which, as Lisa knows, brings out the green. We stayed in a small town's Holiday Inn Express (not Microtel). Then we drove around and found this restaurant called "Sweetwater's," which I thought might be as quality as the Sweetwater Cafe' they have over here in Ann Arbor. No. It was pretty crappy but our waitress was so syrupy she was entertaining. I had chicken tenders which are universally pretty good. We stopped and got some popcorn for the hotel room, but before we could get to it, we watched a bit of Disney's A WRINKLE IN TIME on TV, which put us to sleep.
The next morning I woke up to the news. I will never watch the news again. Not likely, but if you've watched the news lately (a bunch of Generals and army folk pretending to be surprised that *OH NO!* The war was brutal after all!), you'd know what I mean. Maybe. I'm glad I don't have a TV. It was quite a thing to see after being in the Columbia Gorge area...

Am I spelling Gorge right?

The plane rides were pretty cool. Seeing Wyoming from the plane window was neat because I saw the green, blue, and red dirt again. And the Great Salt Lake looks really pretty from up there. It's so blue. Landing in Denver on the way home was frightening because there had been some killer tornadoes around there. Very Roller-Coaster-esque.

Okay, that's it. I think I'll leave you with this very funny quote my friend Scott found on a web page once:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can read this in English, thank a soldier."

~Oh, please excuse the politics embedded in this entry.

Okay, so working... That's what I have been up to.

I started my Jamaican job. Visions of Applebees fly back at me. I feel my identity as a Christian pretty strong there, having to hold to things like patience and kindness. I think those are the virtues that stick out the most for me. I find myself walking away when the co workers start to talk down about other workers. Suddenly it has become extremely important that I don't complain, do my job, and do my best. Gossip and slander is time consuming, and so easy to slip into. I think it's the Spirit of God who puts ideas in my head like "go upstairs and clean the smoothie station" when I hear slander. I just can't stand it. I hope it's a habit i never acquire.

YET, though I feel set apart at work, spiritually, I know there's so much I need to work on (spiritually).

Also, it's hard for me to get myself to sit down and write... I guess I knew this was coming. I'll focus on this after Oregon, I suppose...

Oh, and to end tonight's thoughts:
I wonder where Hugo Vasquez is. That might be a fun game to play while I'm going through the close-routine at the restaurant.

Okay, so to celebrate graduation, I'm going to give a "While I was in School"
awards ceremony to kind of tally what went on in the past four years, here in Ann Arbor. (So this won't include moments like Dr. Bob's Funeral or The Roadtrip...)

ACADEMIA:
Most Influential Teacher:
Anne Berggren, English 325, 225
Runners up:
Eileen Pollack, English 423
Annette Masson, Voice Curriculum

Best GSI's:
I've actually loved all my GSI's. Never had a problem with them. But the most influential have been James McNaughton of English 124 and Michelle Turner of English 223

Most Fun Class:
Dialects
Runner up:
Stage Combat

Class Most Loathed:
Acting XIII, Styles
Runner Up:
American Drama

Most Depressing Class:
American Drama
Runner Up:
Professor Back's English 229

Best Lecture:
Ralph Williams, Shakespeare

Easiest Class:
Politics and Pop Culture of the 1960's

Hardest Class:
Clown, and it was one credit!
Runner up:
Italian 101. My professora was nuts.

Favorite Book I read in College:
The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood.

Least Favorite Book I read:
The Theater History Text Book. What a terrible text.

Favorite Short Story:
Sonny's Blues
Runner Up: The Lump

Best Play Read in College:
The Tempest

Least Favorite Play read in College:
Oh, probably the London Merchant. I just did not want to read that.
Runner Up:
The Time of Your Life by Saroyan

Funniest Moment from a Professor:
When John Neville Andrews told me to "Shut the fuck up, Nora."

ON THE STAGE:
Most Fun on Stage:
The Miss Firecracker Contest

Hardest Show:
The Fantastiks, for many reasons, most of which I will do my best to forget. Though, I will never forget Saturday Night's slap and hives.

Least Fun on Stage:
Richard III

Worst Rehearsal Process:
The Grapes of Wrath

Weirdest play I was in:
The Possibilities

SOCIAL SCENE:
Funniest Roomate:
Elma Wu
Runner Up:
Bekah Brown

Most Dramatic Friendship:
Eric and Dan
Runner up:
Jenni :)

Friend with most Spiritual Influence:
Jenni (Ask me how we met)

Most Loyal to Bible Study:
Rebecca Ridenour (and I'm glad she is!).

Friend I most liked to spoil:
Bethany (Because she spoiled me too!)

Best Long Distance Relationship:
Lisa Czapski. Long distance on so many levels (and she's my spouse, according to our Nat'l Parks Pass-- Sorry Lisa! I couldn't resist).

Best Neighbors:
The Hot Germans (Ziegler's)

Worst neighbors:
The ones who burnt down my apt building.

Saddest Moment:
When Ben P. moved to LA

Worst Moment:
Crashing Evelyn into a sorority girl.

Scariest Moment:
Watching the Twin Towers come down

Most Influential CD:
The one Lisa made me before I got here, "Nora's Hip Tunes"
Runner Up:
U2: All That You Can't Leave Behind.

Best Concert:
They Might Be Giants. I went with Sarah Zeile!
Runner Up:
Bob Dylan at Hill
Sweet Honey in the Rock

Best Movie Experience:
Seeing Neverending Story at the State
Runner Up:
The Big Lebowski

Best Restaurant:
Zanzibar
Runner Up:
Raja Rani

Funniest Memory:
Ian and Rachel throwing woodchips at my window

Most memorable song:
Walk On
Runner Up:
My Name is Not Susan

Best Quote:
"Without prayer I'm just an angry old man... without duct tape"--Harry Martin
Runner up:
"There's no mistakes in the theater! You can't make a mistake. You might fuck up... But there're no mistakes" -JNA

.. More categories yet to be added...?

Which Legendary Actress are you?

I found the survey. I'm glad, very glad, that i'm not marilyn monroe.

Once again, I lost a wonderful song opportunity (The last time was when I didn't listen to LOVE IS JUST A FOUR-LETTER WORD by Bob Dylan on Valentine's Day). This time it was not listening to the Who singing I'M FREE on the day I finished classes. I used to listen to it on the last day of High School classes. Yet, as some remember, that was always my birthday because I refused to attend school past my Birthday, June 10. Only in the DPS could I get away with that brand of stubborness...

Hm. I guess I could listen to I'M FREE tomorrow, after graduation.

Graduation...
AH!

I got a job today! I'm now working at the Jamaican Jerk Pit as a waitress.

Haha.

Ian Trevethan works there. I went to visit him and then asked for an application, and the manager said, "When can you start?" as he handed me one. I guess they are short on employees. I start Saturday night, so if I told you I was free Saturday, I guess I was lying. Sorry!

Ask me about our Jamaican Hush Puppies!

Well, that didn't take long. I wonder how long it will take me to remember that I hate waitressing.

...It's snowing.

Okay, the news on the street is... No, it's not on the street. But the news in my life is that I need another job. Today Lisa and I are supposed to look for jobs. Not together--on the opposite sides of the Metro Detroit Area.

It's terrible, but I really don't want to work. Right now being that woman in a Jane Austen era novel who's educated but slightly bored and only looking for a good match--being that woman doesn't sound so bad.

I wish I had a job where I was paid to read good books and drink tea. Because THAT's what I want to do this summer.

Here are some bits of dialogue I've overheard lately:

1) A kid walking behind me on the way to S Quad, speaking on his cell phone:
"Girl, now you know there are three sides to every story. Your side, her side, and the truth."
I've never heard that one before.

2) Walking through the Natural History Museum to my job at the insects division, I heard three kids, no older than five years old, crowding over that wide tube that places have for donations. You know, you throw a coin in and watch it spin around and go down a drain type thing.
"A: What is that for?
B: It's a toilet.
A: No, it's not!
B: Yes it is!
C: It's an insect cup."

GOOD NEWS:
1) Kara and Mike are engaged.
2) I'm done with school for a while. Yippee
a. I can write what I want
b. I can read what I want
3) Thanks to Bethany, I now know how to sing "Ding dong the witch is dead" In German:
"Ding dong, die Hexe ist tot.
Welche alte Hexe?
Die bose Hexe!
Ding dong die bose Hexe ist tot!"

Okay, yes, I admit that the last thing was pretty random, but in a way, it fits. It is the first song of independence I ever learned... Hm.

Lots of death and divorce surrounding my life right now. Anyone got any good news?

NO NO NO, don't tell me how many days i have left till classes are over.

I think I'm going to write a commentary on Christianity in America called "It's in the Bible so it Must Be Okay." There will be the following Chapters: "The Burning Bush" (religion and american politics) "The Breastplate of Rye-Cheese-Mess" (watered down, or "accessable" Christianity), "Caution, Jesus is God," (Jesus and fear), "The Most Segregated Hour," (segregation of the Church--that's Church with a capital C), "Join my Cult" (Christian Organization).

And then I will be slaughtered.

My grandma Bonner has been in the hospital. She's at a point now where she has to decide whether to get life-risking surgery or be in pain and never be able to walk again. I know that I would want to take the risk (rather be dead than in pain), but I don't want her to take the risk. What a curious place to be. I'm so selfish.

Okay, I can't figure this out about myself. I love politics. I love talking about politics. It's very hard for me to admit, really, because I think talking about politics is as pointless as talking about whether there is life on other planets. But today I met with Kristina, a friend from way back when, and I was just thrilled to ask her what she thought of various political issues (she's a poli-sci major.) And I noticed on my trip, politics came up again and again and again.

Oh, I also want you all to ask yourself, "Do I believe in ghosts?" It's a decision we all must make at some point in our lives. (That's what I told Lisa. I also told her that whether there is life on other planets is one of these decisions.)�

OH MARCIA

My mom asked me to run to the dollar store to get Peeps. She doesn't like them, she just wants to put them in the microwave because she heard you can watch their expressions change as they puff up.

Survey: What is your favorite Beatles Song?

Okay folks, here's a bit of useful information for ya.

There is a rap star and his name is Jay-Z. He has an album called "The Black Album."
Jay-Z also has an album called "The Black White Album" in which he incorporates hip hop rhythms to fit behind the songs on the Beatles "White Album."

I watched OLEANNA today with Bethany. The play is flawless. I listen to the dialogue and it puts me to shame. Will I ever be able to write something so tight? Where every sentence is needed and there is absolutely no excess?

Not only is it tight, but it's thought provoking, intense, and interesting all the way through.

Man, I love those movies/plays that make you want to throw things.

And now, for kicks, I'm going to list my favorite plays. I'm a senior, from four years of theatrical education, so I should figure out what my favorite plays are.

In no particular order (writing them down as they come):
(Oh, and I've not been in these. I don't think I could judge a play I've been in as the play itself.)

Obviously, Oleanna
The Dutchman
Waiting for Lefty
A Streetcar Named Desire
Fuddy Meers
The Tempest
Othello
Henry V
Hamlet
Agamemnon
Incident at Vichy
Summer and Smoke
Shoot, what's that one that we read in theater history? I think it's called The Wall.

Musicals:
Assassins is #1
Sweeney Todd (The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)
Jelly's Last Jam
Godspell
Pippin

Hehe, I'm sure you all were SO interested in that entry. But it's my journal. I have a license to be self-indulgent.

Today I sat in the Hopwood room, where they have cookies and coffee every thursday, and chatted with an MFA student who was kicked out of HS three times. Doesn't it make you smile to know that a graduate student got accepted to Rackham (sp?) with a GED? (well, he also had a BA from somewhere...) It actually does make me smile. It goes to show that second chances do exist.

Magic Writing Formula:

1 hour nap + hot shower + large cup of coffee.

Result: An alert mental focus and concentration, yet a drowsy physical state that prevents one from wanting to fidget or get up every five seconds while writing...

Prize to the person who can tell me why i'm so tired all the time.

"I'm a long way from where I've been
But I gotta keep movin'
Movin'
Movin' Lawd,
Till I move on in..."
~Don't Bother Me 'Cause I Can't Cope

I've posted this quote before, but it has never seemed more true.
Lisa said the title is enough

I just got a pop up that advertised a Christian dating service online.

And I thought all Christians "Kissed Dating Good-bye"�

I think Niki wants to use "Is this love?" (Bob Marley) for his wedding... As Lisa recalls, that's the song that I chose for my wedding (which, admittedly, is a little less real to me as Jenni and Niki's...). I chose it... where, Lisa? In Oklahoma? Arkansas? Texas? Did I choose my wedding dance in Texas? In the car on Hwy 40. It made me so happy. I mean, look at the words:

"I wanna love you and treat you right
I wanna love you ev-e-ry day and ev-e-ry night
We'll be together, with the roof right over our heads
We'll have the shelter of my single bed
We'll share the same room, yeah, but Jah provide the bread."

If Niki persuades Jenni to dance to that Rastafarian love song (I will be surprised), I suppose I could use it too, twenty years later at my wedding. But if he does, I just want you all to know that it was my idea first!

Bethany and I had a neat discussion tonight about the games we played during childhood. I realised that I have been writing before I knew how to write--whenever we played house or somekind of game like that (situational--restaurant, doctor, library) I always bossed people around, giving them plot guidelines. I knew what every character had to do. I must have been a pain in the ass, but it's kind of fun to think about.

Anyway, it's looking at things like that: the pages and pages of letters i wrote to Erik; the books marjorie and I passed during the long DSA hours filled with our writing; the journals i have kept since 8th grade; sitting with my mom, at the age of five, dictating to her plays I wrote while she typed them on her wordprocessor--remembering these helps me to say, "yeah, i was supposed to be a writer all along." And the disappointment of giving up on my theater dreams doesn't seem so heavy. Besides, is there really that big of a difference between theater and being a writer? Not so huge.

"Open your heart and grow with what life sends
That's your ticket to the Festival of Friends."

Grow with what life sends. What a great idea. This weekend life sent me a workshop that perplexed me. I can choose to let it drag me down or teach me something. And I guess it's taught me that I'd rather slave over a profession that tells its aspirers to "Read everything you can get your hands on," than "Watch TV every chance you get."

I cried for the first time in a long time. It was when I read Jenni's words (in a letter from Thailand) "I am praying you are knowing that fullness of peace, even if you don't have a plan for your future. You do have the assurance that your future is great!"

I can't wait till she comes home. I need that assurance. But I got a glimpse of it tonight. You see, I've had a long day at a workshop in which I made a bad choice of monologue. I have made this bad choice before. Boldness over Believability. I need to just trust that who I am, the simple me, is good enough. Is interesting and bold enough. You know, the way he made me. But my theater dreams kind of came to a close today. I guess that's not a bad thing. But I felt like I had no future. And then God reminded me with Jenni's letter, that the glimpses of my great future lie in those times of pure joy in fellowship. When I've found other believers who encourage me to follow Jesus. When we've sat and chatted about what He's done. Those are the glimpses of the future.

After I read Jenni's letter, my friend Ian called and invited me over to eat some pork. That's all he told me. When I got to his house, there were about fifty people over his house eating about fifty courses he and his friend Joe had made: Ribs, Roast Beef, Lamb, Baked chicken, Salmon, barley, corn salad, mashed potatoes, loaves of freshly baked bread, broccoli, couscous, and red beans and rice-there were more that I can't remember. I sat with other believers and laughed and ate. It was a glimpse of heaven. And God gave it to me at the right time. You see, thunderous applause after a show, satisfying auditions, boys revealing their attraction to me, praise from writing teachers--these are all nice, but they don't compare to those moments of deep fellowship--when my friends call me at just the right time and meet my needs like that. I'm being taken care of day by day. Knowing this, I can trust Jesus. And knowing Him is knowing my future is going to be great.

I finished my draft of the ghost story! Now it's on to the scandalous "Secret Story."

TIME according to CS LEWIS

"Of course, you and I tend to take it for granted that this Time series--this arrangement of past, present, and future-- is not simply the way life comes to us but the way all things really exist. We tend to assume that the whole universe and God Himself are always moving on from past to future just as we do. But many learned men do not agree with that. It was first the Theologians that started the idea that some things are not in time at all: Later the Philosophers took it over: now some of the scientists are doing the same. Almost certainly God is not in Time. His life does not consist of moments following one another... This is difficult I know.

Suppose I am writing a novel. I write, "Mary set down her work; next moment there came a knock at the door!" For Mary who has to live in the imaginary time of my novel there is no interval between putting down her work and hearing a knock. But I, who am Mary's maker, do not live in that Imaginary time at all. Between writing the first time of that sentence and the second, I might sit down for three hours and think steadily about Mary. I could think about Mary as if she were the only character in the book, and the hours I spent in doing so would not appear in Mary's time (the time inside her story, at all.

It is not a perfect illustration, of course, but it may give you a glimpse of what I believe to be the Truth. God is not hurried along the time stream of the universe any more than the author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel.

A difficulty we get if we believe God to be in time is this. [Most] everyone who believes in God at all believes He knows what you and I are going to do tomorrow. But if He knows that I am going to do so-and-so, how can I be free to do otherwise? Well, here once again, the difficulty comes from thinking God progresses along the Time-line like us; the only difference being that He can see ahead and we cannot. Well, if that were true, and God forsaw our acts, it would be very hard to understand how we could be free not to do them. But suppose God is outside and above the time-line. In that case, what we call "Tomorrow" is visible for Him in just the same way as what we call "Today." All these are "Now" for Him. He does not remember what you are doing yesterday; he simply sees you doing them: because, though tomorrow is not yet there for you, it is for Him. You never supposed that your actions for this moment were any less free because God knows what you are doing. Well, He knows your tomorrow's actions in just the same way--because He is already in tomorrow and can simply watch you. In a sense, He does not know your action till you have done it: but then the moment at which you have done it is already "Now" for Him.
This idea has helped me a good deal. If it does not help you, leave it alone... you can be a perfectly good Christian without accepting it, or indeed, without thinking about the matter at all.
~MERE CHRISTIANITY

I was just at Yusef Islam's site, and you know? He looks a lot like Jesus. Oh, and Lisa, you are right, the lyrics to this artist formally known as Cat Stevens' song are, "Where I'll end up well I think only God really knows."

Where will I end up?
Only God really knows.

Song #2:

Thinking it over, I've been sad.
Thinking it over, I'd be more than glad to change my ways
For the asking
Ask me and I will play all the love that I hold inside.
P. Simon

Two reasons why I know I still have the Dorothy Complex:

1) I saved a dog at the campout that looked a helluva lot like Toto.

2) I am sadly unnappreciative of my home and I want to get out of here.

Song for today:

But everything you see's not the way it seems --
Tears can sing and joy shed tears.
You can take the wisdom of this world
And give it to the ones who think it all ends here

Let me be a little of your breath
Moving over the face of the deep
Wanna be a particle of your light
Flowing over the hills of morning.
~Bruce Cockburn

I had a bad day today! AH! I will, again, mock it with another slew full of lessons learned:

1) Don't skip dance class the day before spring break. You might miss a five minute combination and look like an ass when you don't know it upon your return to the class, the tuesday after the spring break.

2) Power bars, though they are cheap, yes, make a terrible lunch and are a waste of money that you don't have.

3) Don't try to compete in the theater world unless you have an MFA in theater performance. (That was Desdemona from the Guthrie's advice.)

4) You are not Lisa when it comes to writing papers.

5) If you really want to blow Nora's self esteem, tell her that her prose is bad. And tell her right after she had the comforting thought, "It's okay that you aren't good enough of an actor to get into Yale Drama, because you are a steller writer, and you enjoy writing more than acting, anyway."

6) Repentence is really just an act of self-indulgent remorse (that was from the AmDram prof)

7) Life stinks. (Also from the AmDram prof)

8) Everything you use to get you through life (i.e. God) will fail you (AmDram Prof once more)

9)Stop trying to make life more than it is. It stinks (AmDram man again)

10) Life is a constant process of settling for the smaller dream (AmDram, of course!)

11) Cheer up, things could get worse. (Guess who)

Oh, and:

12) Don't spend two years involved with a guy that lives with his highschool girlfriend. He's gonna marry her, eventually. And lie to you, alot.

Oh, here's an explanation for the cornbread.

My parents are on the Atkins diet, that means that there are very few carbs in the house and there is never good food, like cornbread, there to nibble on while I wait for my dad to cook dinner. It is very hard to wait for him to cook dinner because dinner is usually something like pork or steak when I come home and the smells permeate through all floors of the ancient rosedale home, causing the tastebuds and empty stomach to run wild.

So, anyway, finding bread on the table meant that my parents were eating bread again. And I can no longer coin their home, "carb-forsaken" as I once did.

Oh, and on Sunday, we had rice with the bbq pork tenderloin.

There is a batch of cornbread, 2/3 eaten, on my parent's kitchen counter next to the stove!

I'm back in Ann Arbor now.

The rest of the Chicago trip was fine and dandy. Bethany and I went downtown to the art museum where we saw some Seurats, Monets, Van Goghs, and Picassos. Then we walked down Michigan Ave. to Bloomingdales where her friend works. Meanwhile, my brother was back at his apt fixing the computer formally known as Fucker--he hasn't earned his name since, and he actually opens Word now! Hurray! I think my brother finished some screenplays as well (he's working on three.) In the evening we had hummus and tabouli sandwiches and watched the Simpsons. Later on in the evening we met up with James of 11th grade boyfriend fame. It was good to see him. He's pretty much the same as ever, but that meant that we got along well. Don't ask me what he's doing there (as far as how he's supporting himself) because it was really hard to tell when he told me. But we got lost in the car on the way home to my brothers. Just like old times.

Yesterday Bethany and I had HUGE-ass pancakes (chocolate chip) for breakfast at a little diner type place around the corner, and then Bethany drove the car from Chicago to Grand Rapids, where her parents live (I would have drove, but I lost my license at the Riviera theater where we saw Rufus.) Last night her mom made us a lovely dinner, and then we played scrabble.

Today I got my temp. license from the secretary of state in Grand Rapids so I could drive home. After that we called Jenni in Thailand, which was very cool. And then after we called Jenni, we went downtown to the art museum there and saw this photo/watercolor collection about the Blues. Much to my delight. :) It was a wonderful exibit, I was well pleased and wanted to move down to New Orleans again (anyone want to join me?). Then I drove home.

Well, that was my vacation. Soon I should start writing, now that Microsoft Word has worked its way back into my life. I wish I felt like writing. I should at least do ten mins. Reading plays doesn't sound like a bad idea either.

I'm in Chicago. Last night Bethany and I saw Rufus Wainwright. He put on a great concert. He has such a powerful voice.
Today we were extras in a movie that some grad student was making at Columbia. I had to sit with my brother in a coffee shop and pretend to drink cold expresso. It was pretty tedious, but visiting my brother was fun. Last night was a lot of fun because Ian had tons of people in his apt, all eating chocolate fondu and cookies. We horsed around and watched their movies. They all make movies, apparently. Intresting crowd...

Last night i came up with another pipedream: (That's what I call my future plans.)
Move somewhere cheap, like the South, and learn french from french classes. Spend the next three years in france. Move back to the US and learn German. Go to Germany. By the time I'm thirty, I could be quatrilingual! Is that the way you spell that?

Maybe I should just learn English first...

"Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want
Or I'l still alive and there's nothing
I want to do"
~They Might Be Giants

"When it rains, it pours."
~Marcia

The Greatest Lie Ever Told:
You WILL be like God.

Why didn't someone tell Eve she was created in God's image? And she knew that what she was doing was wrong, because God told her it was wrong to do what she was doing. I guess she didn't understand the consequences.

"You have no idea where I come from or where I am going. You judge on human standards." ~Jesus

"shall we therefor continue to sin, that grace might abound all the more?"
~Paul

AH. Grace. Grace is better than innocence? I guess I'll never know. But isn't it like God, to take a disaster and make the situation better than it was going to be in the first place?

I just got a grasshopper from Frostproof, Florida.

I put this up as my away message earlier today:

"And so you see I've come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you"
P. Simon

I didn't know that it would define my day...

Today's American Drama lecture was very trying to my faith, and sent me home with lots of doubts. The professor noted that many theologists say that sin was the best thing that happened to God, because now he has people who choose to follow Him instead of innocent people who don't make choices. He said that Adam and Eve weren't "Good" because you can only be good if you choose to be, and without the fall, there was no choice. I rose my hand and asked "what about the tree? They had a choice about the tree." And he said, they couldn't be good, they could only obey God.

That was pretty disturbing to me. But then, after making some phone calls, first to my mother, then to my buddy/brother in Christ, Erik Thor, for a little faith uplifting. Both were very uplifting to talk to. Erik said something that made me laugh for the first time in 2 hours. (I had been in a good mood until lecture). I asked him, "How do I know God is in me?" and he said "because His spirit is you." I asked, "How do I know God's spirit is in me?" and he said, "because if He weren't in you, you would have just walked out of there with a notebook full of lecture notes. You're thinking about Him." And I laughed and he laughed and we had a good laugh together. Erik puts things so simply, with so much wit and truth. It's so good to have good friends.

With my mom, I related the stuff about Adam and Eve. And then I realised... Adam and Eve always DID have a choice to be good, the choice to obey is the choice to be good. Because obeying God is being good. What is obeying God? Loving Him and loving people. God's will for us is Good. Obeying Him (whether by loving people, forgiving people, or staying clear from sin) is being Good. So... HAH. There goes that argument. And there goes that doubt.

My mother reminded me that we can't read the Bible unless we have the spirit to guide us. You can't get to God with logic, you can't get to him with works. You can only get to Him with Jesus' spirit.

But the quote on the top, that was what happened today. The only truth I knew was Jesus, all the rest I doubted for about 20 mins. But God has restored my faith, outdone my doubt, and I am very grateful. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. God used them both today to keep me in His kingdom. :)

Haha, Bob Dylan. You are so funny.

"Love is just a four-letter word."

I wish I had listened to that on Valentines Day. There's always next year...

Last night I went to my Aunt Mary's, and my Uncle Fred had a band down in his recording studio. Heh, yeah, he has a recording studio in his basement. Anyway, Mary made me go down there and sing with them. Most of the songs I knew that they could play were Beatles songs and Paul Simon songs (which, to Lisa's amusement, they were amazed that I knew... "How do you know those old songs?" Remember the look on Peggy and Kevin's faces in Denver, when I mentioned that we were listening to the Who?) The Beatles and Simon are both pretty much too high for me (damn tenors), but we made a neat recording of In My Life.

I like singing with a band! Haha. I forgot to ask them if they knew any Janis Joplin. But I guess it's good, so now I can have a voice to talk this morning. Bobby McGee would have been fun. But my favorite song I sang was "Bring it on home to me," a blues song (Sam Cooke). It was so fun to sing the blues with a band, after listening to it for so long. They were really good, much better musicians than I am at just singing random songs. But after I got comfortable it got more fun. Hah, what a night. Too bad I didn't get much homework done...

I've been listening to India Arie again and she's really encouraged me this morning. Two songs that have spoken to me. Both have to do with moving forward, spiritually and mentally.

"Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
it's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found"
~Strength Courage and Wisdom

And to compliment my urge to travel and keep moving:

"Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself

But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right"
~Beautiful

Yeah, a place where wrong becomes right. I'll probably have to die to find that one.

I'm working on my dramaturgy project and researching the Great Depression. You know how I say that Detroit is one bad decision after another? (Like getting rid of school buses, Cobo Hall along the River, Casinos...) Well, it's kind of encouraging to know that the idiots aren't just running the city, they're running the whole country. And they always have! The Great Depression is one bad decision after another. "What?" said the government, "five million people are unemployed? Let's make everything more expensive and raise taxes!"

Today is Valentines Day. To celebrate, I finished most of my work on the Arthur Miller Project, (which I did from the Tap Room at the Union) and went to see IN AMERICA at the State Theater. And holy moses, people. What a great movie. I highly recommend it. It was about Irish Immigrants, modern day immigrants in NYC. And it ruled.

I am starting to resent being in school. I have so little left, yet it seems like so much. I want to get out of Ann Arbor!!

One day, I'll miss this place.

There's this Wilco Lyric:

Jesus, don't cry. You can rely on me honey.

How I wish I could sing that.

I went to a reading tonight. It kind of disturbed me because it was a girl not much older than me, justifying her relationship with her best friend's married father. Ugh. The writing was good though. I was like "ooh, i can be a writer too!" like I always do when I see writers read, and then I was like "her dad is the head of the MFA dept at UM. He's published 12 books and probably knows everyone in the lit business." So I guess some people break into the business easier than others. Those people annoy me.

Hah, sorry about my last entry. Since when did I get so pathetic?

Oh when oh when oh when am i going to do all this homework??

Isn't there just one guy out there that cares about me enough to want to be a part of my life?

Okay, so I'm sitting in the big range and again, my thoughts are attacked with terrible memories and such, and right before I was about to cry, this song by Van Morrison started playing:

In the gentle evening breeze
By the whispering shady trees
I will find my santuary in the Lord.

And no matter where I roam
I will find my way back home
I will always return to the Lord.

And I think that's just it. He is where we find rest from the memories we don't want to have. And the threat of those memories "This could happen to you again..." is answered in the next stanza. "No matter where I roam I will find my way back home." If we desire God to hold onto us, and trust that He is, we will always find our way back home, no matter how far we wander off. With that in mind, I can be free from my past and the threat of it repeating itself in my future. Not bad, eh?

Madeleine L'Engle says that time disappears for an artist at work. Last night i sat down at the computer at 9pm and didn't budge until 2am. I didn't notice.

I really love getting the first draft out. It's such a freeing feeling shed off inhibitions and jump into the world of my characters, letting details drip off my fingers and into Microsoft Word. I get to experience the events with my narrator--surprised when she's surprised, sad when she's sad, and laugh when she laughs.

After the first draft I have to creep back on the outside. I have to be objective and tough, often heartless and mean, for revision. From here, writing is hard work.

I'm in such a bad mood. Only one man can save me.

James Brown

I don't care where I live next year, as long as I'm alone. I'm tired of cleaning up after other people, and if I lived with someone cleaner than me, I'd feel really bad if they cleaned up after me.

So... Chicago? Maybe I can find a one bedroom for 500 a month. I could budget that.

I just hope wherever I am, the place doesn't catch on fire. I'm too deaf to wake up to an alarm and I'd probably choke in the smoke. God I hate being deaf sometimes.

Complaining is a wonderful way to be immature and ungrateful.

I think I've come to the conclusion that doing the show I'm in has been, overall, a wonderful opportunity to serve Jesus. It's been an excersize in patience, encouragement, persistance, pure heartedness, forgiveness, peace, servitude, and love. What else could I ask for in my life experiences? It's nice to know that Aslan is on the move, in my life and perhaps in the lives around me.

"He will make good the right to be a pilgrim."

Spiritually, this has been a very productive semester so far. Academically...

"Done laid around can't stay here
This old town too long.
I believe I got to be travelling on."
~Eric Bibb

I don't know if those are the exact words, but that's what i had in my head when I woke up. Hah, I think my gut reaction to life right now is "Run Away!"

The show will be okay tonight. Actually, it could be very good. Hm.

7 o'clock, 1st Floot of the Freize Building (State Street side), Arena Theater.

"John listen fast, you did not get this call!
You're the one who bought the one for me, after all!
When you are a friend, you're a friend through and through!
When you are in trouble I will cover for you!"

~Miss Saigon

Good Lord And Butter.

We lost a great actress from the show tonight. The Basement Board decided it was to risky to put someone with shingles and an resperatory infection on stage. It was so tragic. I feel really bad for her, all that work she put in. The director is taking over. I'm sure she'll be fine, but I'm extremely sad. Damn it.

Well, I had more energy at rehearsal than I have all term. I was happy about that. It will be nice to have an audience to laugh at our jokes. The girl who plays the lead is hilarious, which is good. I've never been in a show that was so shaky two days before opening. But one of our tech people said she's seen worse, so that was encouraging. It will be nice to see how we pull our shit together.

Who reads this? hopefully no one offended by swearing.

Oh, and one more thought for the night. Erinn got her Miss Saigon cds from her back from her sister tonight. So now we're listening and belting along. And you know what? The lyrics are terrible. And we listened to this when we were 11 years old. I can't believe my parents let me. And broadway hit musicals are so obnoxiously pop-y. But holy moses, are they fun to sing along to.

I feel like Bob Fosse. My body is giving out and it's all because of show business! AH!

A girl in the cast has shingles. Is that how you spell the post-chicken pox disease? We're still trying to decide whether to do the show. :(

Also, of note, I can't write the story I was going to. A girl wrote one with the same theme, which was okay--I still coulda wrote mine because it was from another perspective, but then all of the suggestions she got, well, most of them, were to make it more like mine. So if i workshopped it, people would say "hey, she just took the ideas from Eva's story and made her own!" How annoying.

Maybe it's God saying that I need to NOT base the story on what I was going to base it on. Those of you that I've talked to about it, will probably nod in agreement. It was such a great theme though: I'm glad nothing ever happened between us, because then I would know that he wasn't perfect.
Heh. There was the theme. Now don't steal it!

"Good Lord and Butter"
~The Miss Firecracker Contest.

I'm going to get some rest now.

Oh, and just so you all know, I was told at rehearsal today that I'm a hot kisser. HAH, well, there's something good Christian girls are used to hearing.

Come to see the show if you want to see my hot kissing.
Thurs at 7, Fri 7&11, Sat 7 in the arena theater of the freize building.

I just came from rehearsal. It was a wild one. 6 hours long. And I have no food to eat! But it's okay, I will find something. Mmm, there ain't nothin' like a dinner of cheezits and nuts. Protein and... nothingness.

I'm pretty pleased with the work I did in rehearsal tonight. I got a harsh note from the director to begin the rehearsal that I have no energy at rehearsals. That scared me, because I used to be so full of energy. This semester is wearing me out. I feel like I have five jobs. A writer, an actress, a scholar, a theater student, and a sunday school teacher. But I know I'l get through it. I just have to remember being in High School, when I had 9 hours of school, dance classes, and then rehearsals. My days forced me to be out of the house from 7am to 11pm. I really think it's because of God that I could do it. I would give the day to him in the morning "I can't get through this! I'm tired and stressed." and at the end of the day I had accomplished all that worried me, and it all turned out better than I had planned it to. A good rehearsal, good scores on tests. I remember those days.

Imagine, not having other obligations than just doing a show. Kinda like my summer in Jackson doing Shakespeare. Gregory Hines (may he rest in peace) described his experience on Broadway in Jelly's Last Jam as hermitage... I don't have the choice to be a hermit during this show. I was a bit, in Jackson.

I wish I could be a REAL hermit right now... Have nothing to do but read books, make food, listen to music, and write stories. Being a hermit is impossible when you're in school.

"Love makes a change, I'm living the proof.
New water's in the well and I'm grateful for every drop."
~Erib Bibb.

Don't forget about grace.

Yesterday my American Drama professor mentioned that he once recieved a Christmas card that had Edvard Monk's "Scream" on the front and inside it said "Peace on Earth."

I wonder if Bono would think that was funny.

Did I waste it? Not so much I couldn't taste it.
Life should be fragrant, rooftop to the basement.
~U2

Lessons from one of the worst days of my life:

1) don't put the cigarettes in the shallow pocket of the coat, but if you hold the coat upside down, don't do that in dance class. you might lose the cigarettes, and dance class is the worst place to blow your cover as a smoker.
2) if you lose your temper, wait until Jesus has left the topic of discussion, even if you are right.
3) Don't tell Nora that Jesus was a good moral guy but not the Son of God if you don't want her to blow her steam, and don't tell her that right after the director of her play calls her and snaps at her and demands that she come to a rehearsal 2 hours earlier than scheduled. On the same note, don't ask questions about Jesus to someone, if you're director has just pissed you off.
4) When you're filming a sitcom that only has one joke, make sure to really punch that one joke, so help you Janet Maylie.
5) Smoking more than you eat is a fine way to kill yourself. Really think about how valuable your life is before you pick up that habit. It's one thing to smoke, another to make that 90% of the "nutrients" that enter your body.
6) Don't look to people learn about Jesus. Either pray to Him, or read the Bible. If you don't believe that the people who wrote the Bible are trustworthy, ask Jesus to show you Himself. Don't look to people to see Jesus. Especially me.
7) Learn your lines for the show that goes up a week from today, and learn them well, or you'll waste the rest of the cast's time and make them stay at rehearsal 15 mins longer than they planned, and you won't get through the run through of Act 2.
8) If U2's next album is as remotely spirtually nurishing as their last one, Nora will be spiritually well-fed.
9) Don't you ever let nobody drag your spirit down. Remember you walkin' up to heaven, don't let nobody turn you around.