I'm coming to my blank blog document from a place of frustration. I guess I can use the blog this way, right? To rant, just once?
I find myself slipping into the feeling of insignificance again. For a while there I carried myself with purpose, but lately I'm starting to feel again that I have none. That I'm wasting my days away chasing after the ability to support myself. I've started making decisions based on how much money I'll make because I don't have enough money. I am not living very comfortably. I desire a life that allows me to create and be submersed in creative production, but I just cannot manage that right now. I don't have time for it. I work all day and I'm too tired to write. I made the decision today to not be involved in any productions for a while, probably not till March when Anne Frank comes around, because I'm not writing when I'm in a show. But I've lost confidense in my ability to write a piece, specifically fiction, because I haven't done it for so long. I cannot read what I've written and be satisfied, either.
On top of that I am trying to maintain a sort of social life that has grieved me lately me because I'm either at the bar with people who don't know that I love Jesus or if they do they aren't all that interested. Or I am at Bible Studies with people who are my parents' age. I have about three friends that would feel comfortable coming to the bar with me and going to a Bible Study, but beyond that, there is no middle ground and I feel kind of yanked in all directions. Feeling out of place most of the time doesn't really make for feeling like I am productive or feeling that I have significance.
If this blog entry were a Psalm, this is where it would say, "SELAH". Whatever the hell Selah means. Pause, or something. A pause for reflection.
Today I went to my uncle Tom's Bible study, where, yes Rachel, we are studying Revelation. I was very struck by the idea that in the moment before the end, Three Angels come and proclaim a last call to following Jesus. This is a promise that the truth I live by will be unavoidable. Completely clear. A huge part of that book is the idea that everyone will know. I see this as assurance for all of my doubts. There is so much that I don't know. But up to the last second, loud and clear, no longer just a "spiritual thing," I will see these things that I have mere inklings about now. But I am thankful for the inklings. Also, that up to the last minute, Jesus will be inviting people to live with Him. The fact that some of us live with him before this last call is really to our benefit. We should be thankful that we have relationships with Him already. One day, this relationship will be undeniable for me. I need to hear that because I find my mind slipping into denial, every once in a while.
The first angel tells the world that we were created. The idea that I have a creator is the first step to relief for me in this overwhelming feeling of insignificance. I was created with purpose. I have this purpose built in me right now. Not purpose like, "I am going to be a famous writer." But purpose that I will be with God. I will have a relationship with him. That I do have a relationship with him and one day will see, clear as an angel in mid-air (as chapter 14 describes), the fruits of that relationship.
I need to think about this purpose. It reminds me that my relationship with God manifests itself in my relationships with other people. I wrote a song with the line, "You got someone to love, you got a reason to live." I am once again reminded that all my days that are filled with the interraction with others are days with purpose, because every interraction, be it with the guy behind the counter at the gas station or my co-workers at JC Penneys, is an opportunity to love. There is enough of God's purpose to fill each day with significance, just because of that.
Jesus has told me about a billion times not to chase after things like food and clothes. But I have been doing that. I've also been chasing after ways to fulfill myself creatively. I think it's time for me to slow down and realize that if I chase after the Kingdom, chase after obedience to Jesus' will that we love one another the way I know He loves me, I will find that significance I seek. The rest, how I get my food and how I get to be creative, is just the product of this seeking process.
