My mother bought me a massive blue suitcase. She thinks it's too big; I can't imagine packing for a year away in anything else. I haven't even begun packing. I'm thinking I'll put it off until after the campout. The plane ticket's in but I haven't applied for a visa because I'm still waiting for the letter if invitation from the university where I'll be working. I'm halfway between excitement and panic. The dreams have started, too. Last night I had a dream that I didn't have enough of a goodbye to Joel and I was racing up and down the terminal trying to find him but it was too late and i cried for the whole plane-ride, and when I got to Thailand they put me straight to work and I found that I was incompetant and lost as to how to get anything done.
Every time I get a moment by myself (I've had many today), the question pops into my head: What do you want out of life? It's not like I'm asking myself, "What do I want out of life," but more like someone else is asking, "What do YOU want?" It's a dramatic question, yes, and haunting. It's haunted me for months now, seeming to go hand in hand with the idea of leaving.
Some have asked, "Why are you going there?" I've had several answers. I've said that I want the experience of being stripped of direct communication--a language barrier. Whether I really want that or not, I'll have it; I know one or two phrases in Thai and I'm not sure if I'm using the right tones. I've said that I want to escape this social life (or theater life) that's kept me from writing stories and essays. I've said that I just feel like it's right. I feel somewhat guilty because I think I should probably have some inspirational martyresque answer having to do with God.
I have these answers but none of them satisfies that other burning question. I'm sure if I was able to answer it, which I am not, I would know that this thing, whatever it is, could no easier be found in Thailand than in Detroit. I know it's time for a change. I know I'm an experience-addict. I know going there will be "awesome" because that's what everyone tells me it will be (or at least I hope everyone's right...) I know the Lord will be with me.
One friend asked me why I was going and I said, "I have no idea." She said, "Well even if you did have an idea, you'd probably find the real reason once you're there, don'tcha think?" And maybe that goes for the deeper question "What do I want out of life?" I continue on, wherever my feet happen to take me, trying to serve God the best I can because I know that guy and I trust him, but I won't know what I've really wanted all this time until I see His face.
