It's New Year's Eve!

Here's some thoughts about the past year.
I started the year off with Richard III. I don't even remember my character's name; I had three lines and spent most of the process writing poetry backstage. Then I did "Under Milkwood." I played a cranky middle aged woman and a girl who lay in fields and traced lipstick around her breasts. Hah! Then I did the Fantasticks, my mother's favorite musical. For that I had to quit smoking and retrain my voice to hit notes I hope and pray I'll never have to think about hitting again. Following that (or maybe during it?) I wrote a story that simultaneously covered my grandmothers and my dating adventures. Yippee. I found it to be extremely self-indulgent and vowed never to deliberately write a story about my life again.

I ran into some financial trouble and prayed to God "I need money." The same week I was offered 17$ an hour to talk to Korean kids in English. That job lasted until about October. I still keep in touch with the Kim family though. I am blessed to have them in my life.

Then Jenni left for Thailand. I dealt with it by listening to Stevie Wonder's "Place in the Sun," which reminded me that I will have to move on from that phase in my life, but comforted me to, knowing that Jenni and I are running towards the same goal, and that our friendship is eternal. And then I moved out of my apt on Maiden Lane. That hurt. I was attached to that place, and I still miss Ian Trevethan throwing wood chips at the window to be let in. But I signed the lease for the new "Upper Room" that I reside in with Erinn and Elma and am quite pleased with it.

Then there was a roadtrip. Roadtrip? you ask. What Roadtrip? Heh, yeah right. I'm sure you have already heard about it so there's no need to recap (and somewhere in the past entries of this online journal I wrote a pretty amusing list of things I learned from the roadtrip.) But looking at it from this point in time, I see that the trip was probably the biggest trial to my faith I ever faced, but the fact that I still believe shows me that there is a God after all, and it's He's not a mere concoction I have developed to deal with my problems (not a crutch, as I've been accused of this past year by a fine gentleman who obviously cared about me lots.) Oh, but I read Travels with Charley on my roadtrip, and that book made me decide that Steinbeck is my favorite author and that we have a lot in common because we're both messed up, and that I aspire to be him.

Then I went to the campout, which forced me to face some tough stuff in the Fellowship, but it also helped me to rebuild my faith. Then I came home and began to teach the Sermon on the Mount every other week for the teens at NWF Sunday School. I had to do it alone, which was hard at first, but God has really blessed me with that.

For school I took another fiction class and gained some great friends in there. I also stuck with the anti-self-in-the-story pact, and wrote female protagonists who were all 5'11. Oh, and I managed to somehow use three formes ofthe name Ed for characters in a story I wrote about grasshoppers, which still amazes me. I think the writing has improved. I also took a class about the theater business which was pretty unbearable, but I got through.

And then there was Clown Class. In hell, there are lots of clowns. Lots and lots of clowns, and lots of demons telling you that you are a bad clown. And at the far end of hell, an angel comes down and throws whipped cream in your face and lets you watch "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" before allowing you another chance at the world above. There you go, that was the best description of my experience in Clown Class I could come up with.

And then there was playwriting. I'm not comfortable enough with that experience to remember it at this point in time, but I'll just say that I felt like it was a lot of work for nothing, and perhaps if I didn't take Playwriting I could have written better stories in my fiction class, but hey, I'm hard on myself.

Ah, and then, also this year, I entered the wonderful world of databasing grasshoppers and met plenty of entomologists and peeked into the Oh My! drawer to see that there are, indeed, huge-ass insects in this world, but they are mostly from Brazil. So, also, I could name 2003 as the year I decided not to go to Brazil.

I also met Jay and Scott from the Psalters who may be a part of my future year(s?). They offered me an opportunity to be a part of their musical group which sounds more exciting than anything I could have imagined.

So, that's where I'm at now! Overall, God has been pretty damn good to me through it all.

This is in response to Eric's comment to my last entry, that I may need a little more than God.

I thought about that for a minute. "A little more than God." Why did that strike me as so strange? How do I see
God? As the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the last. Huge, mysterious, encompassing everything. A God who goes everywhere with me, who never leaves me, no matter how hysterical I get in my emotions. Who walks with me when I'm in a slump and somehow sustains me to keep going. He promises I'll find Him if I'm looking for Him. He finds me when I'm not looking for him (like a coin, or a sheep, eh Uncle Paul?)... But, more than anything I know about him, I know he meets my needs. And he does that with people, I think, more than anything else. Yes, I admit, the tears of the other night were selfish, considering the amount of pity involved. I think my point was, bringing up Harry Martin, that people and God are very connected. Well, some people and God. Some, like Harry, who make statements like "I'm happy to be 75 and still have a future to look forward to," can sense what I need to hear and say it to me. The "Man." at the end of the last entry was in response to the way my needs were met, with a person, after lamenting that I was too burdensome for people.

I can look back at my life and see that people come and go quite frequently during the course of it. If I look at that from the surface, it looks like I am simply bad at keeping friends close for more than three years at a time. If I look closer, I can see that each person had a purpose. I like to believe that each person was placed there, by God, to meet the needs of that time. My friend Jenni, now in Thailand, is a great example of that. During the three years that she was around me, God used her tons of times to point me back in the right direction. If I look at my life surrounding my time with Jenni, I can see that I wouldn't have survived without her. When she left, I cried knowing that my time with her would never be the same (I knew that when she returned that she would probably be damn near having a new last name), and that was hard. But in time I had peace about it. "You needed her right next to you during that time," my Reason told me. And He was right.

I'm reading a book by Dietrich Bonhoeffer now where the verse from Proverbs, "The spirit of man is the lamp of the Lord," came up. I think it was put there just for me at this time. I see that I do isolate myself, to an extent, but I can never isolate myself from God as long as His spirit is with me. But if I open myself up to people, I am allowing myself to see God clearer. Because of what Harry said the other day, it was clear that God uses us to be lights (He tells us He does, anyway. "You are the light of the world. Not, if you want, you can try to be the light of the world, but as matter-of-factly, "You are the light of the world.") Isolating myself from people, yes, is a sick form of hiding from God's light.

To wrap this up, I'll mention that there is really no such thing as "a little more than God." I think, what Eric meant, though perhaps he'll disagree, is "I think you need a little more OF God." The God that manifests himself in the people around me, to meet my stabilizing needs. Anyway, Eric, thanks for responding, because you're right, I have plenty of people around me that help meet my needs. It's foolish of me to try to love them and to isolate myself at the same time.

Last night was pretty rough. I didn't sleep very much and I woke up crying twice. It reminded me of some of the
nights of the roadtrip when I did that. I'm trying to quit smoking, and usually I could just go out and have a cigarette but I couldn't this time. It was miserable. I started to get upset because my thoughts told me that I was impossible to live with, with my condition of emotional instability. But I hated being alone. So it was like I couldn't live with or without other people. And then I thought it would be better to live alone, so only I would have to deal with my misery. Ugh.

I woke up this morning and went to church. Once again, Harry reminded me, through his teaching, that God is with me. But after the meeting, as I passed him he said "Thank you for being on this earth." I told him, "It wasn't my choice." And he said "the world is so much richer because you're here."

Man.

My parents got rid of the piano. I can't say that without letting tears glaze my eyes. I suppose it is just a piece of furniture. No. It's more than that. I would walk into the living room and feel my heart jump at the thought of pulling out the bench and lifting the pale wooden cover. My heart always did that, whether I played or not. I expressed myself on that piano long before i could plunk at the keys of my laptop. My fingers would spread over that ivory, they just fall into place. I barely used music. I just used what was in my head. Lately it was Musetta's Waltz, or Nessun Dorma.
I played it one last time before they took it away. Maybe I should have played it more before that. I sat in front of those keys and I was four years old again, playing what was in my head. I imagined, as I played, my parents surrounding me with tears in their eyes. My father places his hand on my shoulder and tries to understand what it means that they're giving it away. He changes his mind, apologizes, and I continue to play. They gave it away and no one understands what it meant for them to do that.
I have a guitar now, but I didn't have a guitar when I was four. I didn't figure out the Japanese theme from my Raffi tape on the guitar. Or the theme to Edward Scissorhands when i was seven. I can't sit at the guitar and touch my youth. "We'll buy you a keyboard," I've had repeated to me. A keyboard isn't the same. Any Other Piano Isn't The Same.
How long can one go on, lamenting over am instrument?

"Life without God is a long lonely road.
He's the reason to go on..."

We had this huge Christmas concert at NWF yesterday. It was combined with the Christian Fellowship Church--a group that we've befriended over the years and have been doing stuff with. It's a lot of fun for me because it's a black gospel church. They are surprisingly similar to us though. I think they have multiple pastors or elders, and they are pretty informal. It was a long concert, but it was great. My Uncle Paul, Aunt Donna, Chris Martin, and Frank Oakley sang a few songs. The quote up there is from the one that's been in my head.

Harry Martin taught a great message. He compared how the world recieves Jesus at Christmas time to the way a young toddler recieves a Christmas gift--he spends more time on the wrapping than the actual present. That's the way the world is at this time, with Christmas. "Too involved in the wrapping--" i.e., the shopping and the lights, or maybe even the giving itself, "to recognize the gift." I thought that was a great analogy.

It was good to be reminded that through Jesus being born into this world, and therefore taking on our "human condition," that He did his work ifor us. "Glory came down from Heaven," they sang. Sometimes that gets covered up in all the fake snow around here. "God is with us now," Harry explained. And He is. Oh, and before Harry said any of this he sung this hymn called "One Day" or something like that, which was really touching. He just sang it there, acapella, his voice vibrating off the YMCA walls. I wish I could remember exactly which song it was...

i'm feeling the aftershock of cutting off my right hand.

okay, so i've kind of given up theater. no, i've really given up theater--at least for now. my plans for next year are that i'm going to be a fulltime travelling musician. i haven't really grieved over losing theater until today, when i had to write the BFA dept head, john neville andrews, and email requesting 2 studio credits that i haven't gotten yet, because i haven't been cast in a university production since my sophomore year. and then it hit me. i haven't been cast since sophomore year. i've never cried about it, because i've never thought about it. i'm not crying about it now, it just sits heavy, making my stomach hurt. my mom worries that i'm giving up to easily, that i should finish out the theater thing. that's not where my heart is, because the theatre business is not what i want to be a part of. that's not how i want to serve Jesus, because usually when i gain theatrical success, I just end up serving myself and forget all about Him. Travelling with the Psalters seems right, because I will have to think of Him all the time, sing to Him all the time, and have fellowship. Yes, it just makes more sense to me, my heart jumps at the thought. But nonetheless, I am cutting of my right hand. and it hurts.

Every Sunday Chuck W asks if I'm still singing. Yes, Chuck, I'm still singing.

Here's a good old U2 quote:

Jesus never let me down
You know Jesus used to show me the score
Then they put Jesus in show business
Now it's hard to get in the door.

Think about that...

It's 3am where Jenni is now, and 70 degrees. "Tomorrow" it's going to be 90. Argh.

I'm in the middle of databasing grasshoppers, and I need to look at something else! I'm also listening to En Vogue... haha. It's Erinn's. I've been borrowing her stuff alot lately. I hope she's not ticked.

Well, the semester is almost over. I just have a clown performance to do. I am expecting a B in Clown... a B would satisfy me greatly.

Okay, so last night was the BFA Holiday Harry/Agnostic Al party (as opposed to Secret Santa...) for my theatre class. Can you believe I've had the same people in my classes since freshman year? Now here are 11 of us. We started with 14, I think. Lots have dropped or transferred. Katie Thomas made the "originals" a cd with songs to represent each of us. The song she chose for me was Lauryn Hill's
"Every Ghetto, Every City." I guess to go with my obsession for my hometown. Anyway, listening to it today, I think it's a wonderful song to be remembered by. Here's the chorus:

"Every Ghetto, Every City, Every suburban place I've been
Makes me recall my days in the New Jerusalem.
You know it's hard, don't forget what you got
Lookin' Back."

Not bad, eh? I think that Lauryn was referring to her home as the New Jerusalem, which is weird as hell, I'll admit, but I take it literally. Everywhere I go reminds me
of the days to come in the New Jerusalem. And I've definitely seen some things about Detroit (as lost as the place is--the internet news calls it the most dangerous city to live in! Way to go, Detroit!) that point me in the direction of Jesus. Yay for Jesus. Heh.

Okay, I'm back to work.

I haven't updated in a while! And I should, because my life is a lot better lately than it has been in a long time.

I have confirmed for myself, again, that I want to be a writer now. This has been very freeing for me. It's hard to
get motivated for those theater classes though, but that's okay. I decided, or I probably didn't decide this, but
that to an artist, there is no such thing as wasted time. We use everything. Esp. a writing artist.

My play is shaping up. I turned in the first draft today. Next week I'll get feedback. I had a bunch of people over this weekend to help me read through it. I hope everyone who came had as good of a time as I did. But I was encouraged because, though there were some errors, and the play would be impossible to actually put on, I wrote a play. And it wasn't the worst thing I've written. (What is the worst thing I've written? Any feedback? Perhaps my first poem for 223, though none of you can verify that, because I'll never show it to you... and don't you DARE say it was that letter I was going to send to Ford asking for a free car for our roadtrip, because I still have a copy of that and hold it dear.)

MELANOPLUS REX--let's just say that the class hated the ending. Not one person, not one! thought it was as funny as I did. Everyone seemed to like it, but no one liked the fact that I did the protagonist in at the end. Here's my favorite comment. "Good Story. Bad Ending. For your next draft, new ending." HA! No one seemed to catch that it was over dramatic (Though, Lisa DID make me take out the part where Edna looks at the sky and screams "NO!" before burrowing her head into the dying entomologist's chest). So, to the delight of all who have suffered through the terrible loss of Ned Kahn (as opposed to Ted Cohn), the endearing 5'4" redhead grasshopper king, i believe that for the next draft he'll survive. I won't think it's as funny, but frankly, I don't think I'll get an A on the story if I kill the guy. Simple as that.

Oh, Sunday I went with Jason Beck (of Madison Greene fame) and Niki P. ( of being engaged to one of my best friends-fame.) to see this incredible Brazilian percussion/tapdancing/swordfighting/rock and roll band at the Blind Pig. And I don't even remember their name! But they were fantastic.

Finally, I have lost a lot of the loneliness I've felt all semester. I ran into Diane Martin at NWF on Sunday, and she asked how I was, and I could honestly say I was doing extremely well, and that there was nothing wrong with my life at the moment. I was happy to say that. Very happy indeed. Now I'm just wondering how long this euphoria will last (I study the sky for approaching clouds and lightening bolts) because as much as I want to be a Shiny Happy Person holding hands, the truth is that I'm pretty pessimistic and gloomy. But oh well. Life is nice at the moment. I don't know how long for, but I guess I do know that eventually it will be forever, so I'm not sweating it.

Okay kids, better start warming up for that audition. An audition where I will approach saying "Hello, I want to be your dramaturg" so I can learn all about Arthur Miller and do research, because I'm a nut! I love research. The more I know the more I can write. And Miller and I go back. Way back to our writing prizes. Yeah.

Ciao for now.

Good day today.

I took a test for my Shakespeare course. It was long. 4 essay questions in a blue book-- my hand was killing me. And I am really opinionated. That's what I discovered. I didn't like the western Taming of the Shrew. I liked the idea but didn't think it was executed (canadians trying to do western... i'm a pompous jerk, I know)... anyway, it's weird to think I'm so opinionated.

I should be writing my play. I can't wait until a day when I only have one writing project at a time. At this moment I have 3 stories running through my head and a play.
It's hard because I want to just throw myself completely into one and ignore the others. Right now I want to write a story, not a play, because I just finished a play.
Switching gears is not impossible, but not easy.

I just got back from Bethany's dorm. We watched When Harry Met Sally. Not a good one for someone who's single and lonely like me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm lonely because I'm an artist. I have a feeling I'll always be lonely, even when there's people around me all the time. I'll probably be married and still lonely, somehow. And that's going to drive my husband up the wall. Or do you think the loneliness is a result of being a believer in this world? Or is this time a time of loneliness, a time when Jesus is making me be a shepherd in a field. Moses, David, they were shepherds. Jesus was, and I bet he was lonely.

I'm pathetic.

I saw BONHOEFFER last night. Whoa guys, if you get a chance to, see it. I forgot that he was in a conspiracy to kill Hitler. Would you kill Hitler? I think I would... which is a strange thought. Good movie though. Wondering what to get me for Christmas? DISCIPLESHIP by him would be nice. :)

Okay, I'm off.

Any ideas for a new story? I'm still thinking aboout writing one called MELANOPLUS REX: An Entomologist's love story.
Melanoplei are grasshoppers.

Night

Here I am, finally. I'm responding to Christy's request (demand) that I update.
I'm about to take my munch break at the museum where I still spend hours entering grasshoppers into a database.

Nothing is new. I have some kind of cold on top of senioritis. So I cough with no initiative. I'm not acting outside of classes. I am not acting much in classes, except for my clown class which is hard, despite the fact that you laughed when you saw that I have a clown class. I am writing alot in writing classes. I am writing a play about how the interpretation of the Diego Rivera Murals at the DIA changes with the way Detroit's history changes. I'm also writing short stories. I need a topic for my next one.

I need to get out of here. I need to go on the road or something. I think Ann Arbor has had enough of me, or I've had enough of Ann Arbor. I'm kind of lonely lately.

Jenni Goad is engaged to Niki. That's pretty exciting news. She's in town from Thailand, but I haven't seen much of her. I've been hanging out with here sister
Bethany alot though. She's a great gal.

Okay, time for lunch.

I just bought a WILCO cd (that's a band). They sing a song and this is the chorus that's been running through my head:

you have to lose
you have to lose
you have to learn how to die
if you wanna wanna be alive

pretty cool stuff...

I think that ressurection stuff is starting to play a part in my life. My clown class is killing me in a way, but hey, eventually I'll be dead and perhaps ressurected in that area. Hm.

I'M BACK. I've been around the country. Talk to me if you want the real details or to see pictures of my trip, but here's some american observations from my 2 months on the road.

1) Never drive in LA. Especially on the corner of Kester and Ventura.
2) Most people have morals but are willing to sell them at cash value.
3) Being a christian is only really radical in Ann Arbor. Not so much in Tennessee.
4) Oklahomites are confused about camping.
5) No self serve in Oregon
6) The biggest truck stop in the world is in Iowa.
7) White people are called Anglos in New Mexico.
8) Half of our country is in major drought and is on fire.
9) You can drive 75 on Montana's backroads.
10) The biggest cross in the world is in Texas. It's a spiritual experience
11) Stand up comedy is extremely difficult.
12) Jesus was HUGE and blonde.
13) You are fat if you live in Los Angelos.
14) Alex King was in the synagogue talking to the boy Jesus.
15) Dr. Seuss' trees can be found between Las Vegas and Los Angeles.
16) Utah has a super market called "Honey's Jubilee"
17) Your Pavillion card will work at Vons.
18) There are giant slugs in the redwood forest. GIANT slugs.
19) You only need to take about 3 pictures of the grand canyon.
20) We get our eyes and ideas of courtship from giant scorpions.
21) You can check your email for free in libraries
22) Yellowstone is mostly burnt.
23) If you go on a roadtrip, bring along the Hobbit.
That's all for now.

Today I thought about a few things regarding time. My time belongs to God. That is an incredibly freeing thought to me. Because my time on earth belongs to me, I can be assured that things will happen at the right time. That goes for people too. It occured to me that people come and go out of my life quite frequently. This unsettles me at times, but ultimately I know who is in charge of my time, and I know that who I have right now, this very moment, are who He has surrounded me with. It's a simple thought, I guess, but it helps do away with thoughts of "I wish I never met that person" or "I wish that person would give me a call now and then to show that I mean something to them." These people aren't making the life altering decisions for me. Jesus, my life source, does that.

Any ideas on what Lisa and I can teach the teens on Sunday?

Today I got in a car accident. Those who know me well know what a travesty that is for me. I totaled my car a year ago (Fall 2001), and it took me a long time to get behind the wheel again. I was so terrified today. I thought for a moment that I would never drive again. It was a left turn, just like the last time I crashed the car. I was ready to just run away and move to a city with good public transportation, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I know it sounds over dramatic, but it was how I felt. My friend Kirsten was with me. Right after I had a hysterical crying fit she took me to the Traffic Jam restaurant (hah, of all titles of places to go) and bought me ice cream for lunch. Boy did that help. Then I just carried on with my life--I went to the DIA like I wanted to, and then went home and told my father. I was so terrified that he would tell me he didn't want me to take my road trip. But He didn't. He was very understanding and told me not to worry about it.
Today I started reading this book that James Cargill gave me that breaks down Buddhism. I read it so that I could kind of understand what my friend Jenni in Thailand is facing there. So after today's accident and reading that book, I truly appreciate Bono's (from U2) words: Grace, she travels outside Kharma. She really does my friends. She really does. But I learned today, again, that I am a human who makes stupid mistakes (and repeats them at that), but even so I have to keep going. I can't look back, I have to just go on with what I've been given, which is definitely grace. My father on earth showed me grace. My father in heaven showed me grace. He has truly strengthened me today.
Satan sure knows how to trip me up. I don't think he sent the car accident--that was just the world and me making stupid decisions at the left turn light. What he did was try to take my mistake and use it to destruct what God is doing in my life. But he didn't win today. He will never win.

I'm taken care of. Thank God for GRACE.

WHAT I HAVE BEEN UP TO:

After reading Lisa and Christy's blogs, I decided to make mine a bit more like some of theirs today--more journal like, if you will. I think it's time for a general update. I've been doing my 9-5 with the Grasshoppers. The big difference between this week and last week is that now I have co-workers. The first is a girl from Nova Scotia who did grad work in the school of natural resources. There is one more grad student, a guy, but I haven't really met him yet... The third is an undergrad bio/tuba major, also a guy. I like having co-workers. It makes the day less lonely, and I'm not imprisoned to my thoughts for so long. That was last week. I felt imprisoned to think deeply as I did the mindless work of organizing grasshoppers into alphabetical order according to species group and sub-species. Now my job is taking the grasshoppers, one by one, and entering them into a massive data base. Let me give you a little insight to how many grasshoppers this actually is. Each drawer has about 250-300. There are about 15 drawers per cabinet. There are 12 cabinets. In three days we entered 1000 grasshoppers in the database. So you see, it's very slow, and there's sooo much to do. I'll be doing it for the rest of May, and my co-workers will continue well after I'm gone. And we're just doing one of the many families of grasshoppers in the range (A range is a room full of collections). This week went by much slower than last week. Maybe it will speed up when I get more accustomed to it.

In my spare time (evenings) I've been doing research for the play I'm writing. I'm writing on my favorite subject: Detroit. Surprised? It's May now, so I'm starting the writing... It's based on an experience Lisa and I had in the DIA with James McNaughton and his girlfriend (JM is a teacher I had my freshman year. He started me on writing...) So I've been reading up on the Rivera Court Murals, and Henry Ford. The research is being morphed, now directed toward the auto-workers. I am not sure if my play is one of my many over-ambitions... Since I've started writing, I think my schedule is going to turn into this: Work from 9-5, get home at 5:30 eat dinner and then take a nap until 9 or 10 and Write the evening away... I don't think I can write before 10. Sound Crazy? I'm just trying it out, because I want to be a writer, and that means I'll be working 9-5's for a while. I'll keep my weekends free for socializing. We'll see how this routine goes. I had a 2 hour nap today.

Maybe one day I'll be paid to write! Oh Glory. Who knows...

Okay, I'ma get to it. Janet Bham will be calling any second...

Man. Maybe it was the insects, but I'm feeling pretty down. My faith is kind of weak at the moment. I need a good word. Maybe just a good friend. I know we need troughs in our lives, but it stinks when we actually are in them.

Like an old dusty road
I get weary from the load
Movin' on, movin' on
Like this tired troubled earth
I've been rollin' since my birth
Movin' on, movin' on
There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
And before my life is done
Got to find me a place in the sun
~Stevie Wonder PLACE IN THE SUN

Today as I was sorting bugs (That's my new job!) I heard this song, I mean really heard it, for the first time. It really hit me at the right time. That's how my life feels... "movin' on movin' on." CS Lewis said feelings come and go. I'm read for this general feeling of weight to flee. Before my life is done, hopefully... I know it will.

God answers every prayer.

Is that true?

According to Corrie Ten Boom it is. At the age of 75, she told listeners over european radio that God was still answering prayers that she prayed when she was 5 years old! If I could just believe that, I would have such stronger faith. We think that if our prayers aren't answered the day we prayed them, they are in vain... Oh, if I only knew for sure that God will answer those prayers I prayed for specific people to know Him. I could rest so much easier. If only...

Oh Lady Luck has led you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up, I fear

And then you're someone you are not
Ann Arbor City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around

And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

That's from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It's supposed to be junction city, kansas but i changed it to suit my "wicked little town." I love the idea of the world's people twisting me to be something I'm not. That's what Satan tries to do, he tries to rip us from our true identity has children of God. Remember Mrs. Lot? She was destroyed when she looked at her wicked little town burning. We are also destroyed when we look back at our world, when we hold onto it like that. But when the world fails us we look to Him. We listen to His voice, and Follow Him through the dark turns and noise of this world.

He replaces the "noise" with music. That's an idea from a Screwtape letter. Music is noise with order to it. Noise becoming music is a good metaphor to our switch from this world to God's kingdom in heaven... What do you think?

Little Darling it seems the ice is slowly melting
Little Darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
There goes the sun
Here comes the sun
And I'd say, it's all right.
~The Beatles

I listened to that song a couple of times today... I just wish it would ring true.
Well, my show is over. I'm having the post-play hangover.
Winter is supposed to be over. Where is the sun?

I added to my web page!!

www.geocities.com/njlimabean

two new entries: 20, 21.
Check it out please!

"Every secret prayer
Every Fancy Free
Every thing I dared for both you and me
All my wildest dreams multiplied by two
They were you"
~FANTASTICKS
They were Jesus. They were Jesus. They were Jesus!

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the world falls down
~David Bowie, Labyrinth

I have been hearing God sing that to me lately... He'll give me riches beyond my wildest dreams. He'll be there for me as the world falls down.

Will you think of times you told me you knew the reason
why we had to each be lonely?
Was it just the season?
~Norah Jones, Shoot the Moon

Have you guys heard that song? There's something really interesting about it. She seems to know her present condition is some sort of phase, but she seems to have a little angst about it, as if to ask, "why do we have to have phases anyway?"

To counter that is a lyric from Into the Woods that always runs in my head:
"Oh if life were only moments, even now and then a bad one,
but if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."

Time in this world is funny like that--sometimes I feel like I'm just trudging along, waiting for the next phase or moment. I'm feeling that today. Maybe some day we will see our lives as that gloomy prequel to our lives of joyful eternity. The Shadowlands, as CS Lewis likes to think of it. Wouldn't that be nice?

How is it so cold? It's supposed to be spring...

"Jesus don't mind the blues. You know, he turned water into wine, not wine into water!"
Wendell Holmes of "The Holmes Brothers"

I saw The Holmes Brothers last Thursday, and being the bold person I am, took the liberty of walking backstage and meeting them after the show, to let them know how much they have inspired me to follow Jesus. "You know my Jesus?" the lead singer, Wendell asked me in his wonderful grumble voice.
"Yeah, I know Jesus very well," I told him.
"You're a student here?"
"Sure am"
"In Ann Arbor?"
"Yes. UofM Ann Arbor"
"Hey, she knows Jesus, in Ann Arbor" Wendell tells one of the other guys in the group.
"I didn't know Jesus was in Ann Arbor!" retorted that guy, Popsy Dixon.

Yes. Jesus is in Ann Arbor too, complete with Harry Martin quotes. www.geocities.com/njlimabean. I am basking over with joy to know that the Holmes Brothers are My brothers. Go out and get one of their albums if you want to own the best gospel blues in the world.

I decided yesterday that no other music brings me more joy than the blues... isn't that ironic?

I'm so glad that God so loved the world... someone has to love it and I'm glad it doesn't have to be me. I hate this world. I am ready to go home.

"Don't leave me standing here.
Lead me to your door."
~Beatles
I love it when I find lyrics about Jesus in Beatles songs!

Today we bombed Iraq.
The war on neglect took a turn for the worst.

Am I growing?
It's hard to tell while it's happening, especially when we're promised change.

Follow, poet, follow right
To the bottom of the night,
With your unconstraining voice
Still persuade us to rejoice.
~W.H. Auden

Grace. She travels outside Karma.
~U2

God loves me today. I can feel it all over.

More Lauryn Hill today.
Please help me forget about him
He takes all my energy, trapped in my memory, constantly holding me, constantly holding me
I need to tell you all, all the pain he's caused, I need to tell you I'm, I'm undone because he led me away from love to be the victim of his web of confusing lies right there before my eyes.
Now I see where I messed up, wanting me all dressed up.
To be who he said I was, he had full control of me, thought I was free because, I did what he told me.
What do I say now, now that he's gone, where do I stay now, now that he's gone.

I trust every part of you, cause all that you say you do
You love me despite myself/Sometimes I, I fight myself
I just can't believe that you would have anything to do with someone so insecure, someone so immature
Oh you inspire me to be the higher me
You make my desire pure, you make my desire pure
Just tell me what to say/I can't find the words to say
Please don't be mad with me, I have no identity
All that I've known is gone, all I was building on
I wanna walk with you
How do I talk to you?

Touch my mouth with your hands. Touch my mouth with your hands…
I wanna understand the meaning of your embrace
I know now I have to face the temptations of my past
Please don't let me disgrace
Will my devotion last now that I know the truth, now that there's no excuse
Keeping me from your love, what was I thinking of?
Holding me from your love, what was I thinking of?

Please come free my mind, please come be my mind
Can you see my mind? Won't you come free my mind?
~Peace of Mind

Today I'm thinking about that part in the Labyrinth (which is a great movie, despite what most of my friends say--it seems they love to hate it, but I think they are missing out on something wonderful) where Sarah is battling the Goblin King's temptation at the end, and she defends herself with "You have no power over me," so he blows up or disappears or turns into an owl or something.

You have no power over me.

I'm tired of taking the power myself, or letting someone else have it and make my life miserable with it. Today I wanted to stand in the presence of Satan and scream that in his face... YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME. I was bought with a price. I just wish that I didn't have to give God the power over and over again. It's exhausting.

"I'm on my way, I don't know where I'm going. I'm on my way. I'm taking my time but I don't know where."
~Paul Simon
And THAT lyric depicts my generation's condition... I think 80% of the students here at UM don't know what for.

selfishly addicted to a life that i depicted
conflicted because it's not reality...
~Lauryn Hill

Does that not "depict" the human condition well?

Hey, guess what... There are stories in the middle of Isaiah! We serve one bad-ass God. Listen to what He told enemy forces that thought they were more powerful than God: (I edited it a bit... you should get the drift.)
"By your messengers you have heaped insults on the Lord.
And you have said, 'I have ascended the highest mountains... I have cut down the tallest cedars... I have dried up the streams of Egypt'...
Have you not heard? Long ago I ordained it. In days of old I have planned it; now I have brought it to pass."
and here's where the bad-ass part comes in:
"But I know where you stay and where you come and go" I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE says God!
But because you rage against me, and because your insolence has reached my ears, I will put a hook in your nose and my bit in your mouth and i will make you return by the way you came"

ouch! Don't mess with God, that's all I have to say. But isn't a comfort to know that we serve a God with that much power? Weapons of mass destruction? Think of what one angel could do! (that's harry martin).

okay, so i apparently am a copy cat because Lisa has "songs of the day" but honestly, i didn't mean it that way... I wrote that because yesterday I had a song and today I had a song.

A thought to end my day on is, being in the Fantasticks singing love songs opposite my nemesis of romance is weird, and somehow much like a sitcom. I wait for the laugh box to interrupt us everytime I sing "Love, you are love." The gods are laughing...

Today's song is Long and Winding Road by the Beatles.

The long and winding road that leads to your door,
Will never disappear,
I've seen that road before It always leads me here,
leads me to your door.

I was really encouraged by that thought, that the road to Jesus' "door" will be there no matter what we do or what mistakes we've made, since He's gone through great measures to be that door for us. The last line of the song is a lovely plea:
Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to you door
I think the road God has for me is pretty Winding. Hopefully it won't be TOO long...

Do you know Stevie Wonder's song "Higher Ground"? Thank you Lisa for getting me hooked to this guy. Here's a quote from the song to encourage:

I'm so glad that he let me try it again
Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin'
Till I reach my highest ground
No one's gonna bring me down
Till I reach my highest ground
Don't you let nobody bring you down (they'll sho 'nuff try)
God is gonna show you higher ground
He's the only friend you have around