Arthur Miller died today. He was 89. He shook my hand once, and told me good luck.

Tis so Sweet

I went to Will Lawson's funeral yesterday. I cried when my uncle paul sang,

"I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend
And I know that Thou art with me
Will be with me till the end.

Jesus, Jesus, How I trust Him
How I've proved him o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus
O For grace to Trust Him more."

What would this world be like with out Jesus to trust? With death and no Jesus... What would this time of my life be like? I don't even want to think about it, but I think it has something to do with panic.

That Old U2 Theology

It's starting to speak to me now! The new U2 Album is what I'm referring to. Here's the first song to speak to me. It's called

"One Step Closer"

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

Can you believe this stuff? "A heart that hurts is a heart that beats." I'm hurting, so must be alive. It's good to be alive--that much I'm closer to knowing. The song reminds me that Jesus works in our broken hearts, teaches us more about Himself. I'm still waiting for resurrection from this gloom, but at least I'm one step closer.

UPdate

I've been taking my time to update, because I hadn't anything good to say until now. I only had the negative news: Nate and I broke up on Sunday. I'm grieving, as you could guess I would be by reading my recent entries. I've been working through the loss, trying to figure out how to deal with myself now. I miss him terribly (though I must mention that our break-up was high spirited, we both felt like it was the best thing to do at this time.) We want time to get to know each other as good friends, since we never really had that time. We are both uncertain about our future together and don't feel like we know each other well enough to trust one another through the grit we've been facing. Meanwhile, we decided to take the next 10 days away from each other, without communicating. This has been so hard for me because I miss him so much.

So, I spent the last three days, as I've said, in a deep grieving state. I only had JC Penney's to do--lots of time to think and grieve. I'd go home and cry a bit over my loss. Sleep has been hard, eating too. But today I started on what I think will be a path of my revitalization.

To be single is not a bad thing. I remember being single last summer and having joy in that state--there is joy in singleness. Focus is a blessing that comes with singleness. It's a time to be useful.

I started my project with Walk and Squawk, collecting stories from elderly Detroiters at the Hannan House. We had a poetry workshop with a local spoken-word artist named Blair. Blair's income is Art. He makes a living at it! What an inspiration. He pays his bills by performing with has band and teaching poetry four times a week at Cass Tech HS. He's going to be performing in the Walking Project--the show I'm going to South Africa with in May or June. The workshop's particpants were a delightful group. I am very excited about being part of this project. Love for my city burst forth during the session.

After Hannan House, I headed over to my old high school and helped coach a Forensics Duo. They were doing a James Baldwin piece called the "Amen Corner." The kids I worked with were sweet and attentive and talented. It was gratifying to be able to relate some of my theater training to their work. I'll be returning there tomorrow after the funeral.

I left DSA, my HS, with such a sense of usefulness. Yes, I still ache for Nate. But today I didn't have to sit in my room and cry about it. The feeling of renewal started this morning when I cleaned the snow off of my car. "Look, I am doing this," I told myself. "I am single and I can get by on my own." I don't know what will happen with my future, in terms of relationships, guys, being in love. But today I am single and today I am useful.

One more thing I should mention: Blair told me that before the Walking Project goes to South Africa, they will take a week and perform it in London. He asked if I was coming... So, London may be in the future for me! I have always wanted to go there... The trip is contingent (sp? on my funds. Anyone willing to donate money?

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My grandma just called, in a frantic state. My mother is supposed to pick her up in about fifteen minutes and take her to a funeral visitation. "Tell your mother I'm sorry but I lost track of time. I was painting and now I'm running late. Tell her to make it quarter after now, instead of quarter till..." I handed the phone to my mom and then returned to this blog entry smiling: The woman is 84, and she still gets wrapped up in her painting and loses track of time. She has been single most of her life, but she has found joy in what she does. She is still single, and still useful. I hope, in this way, I will end up like her.