Today is Valentines Day. To celebrate, I finished most of my work on the Arthur Miller Project, (which I did from the Tap Room at the Union) and went to see IN AMERICA at the State Theater. And holy moses, people. What a great movie. I highly recommend it. It was about Irish Immigrants, modern day immigrants in NYC. And it ruled.

I am starting to resent being in school. I have so little left, yet it seems like so much. I want to get out of Ann Arbor!!

One day, I'll miss this place.

There's this Wilco Lyric:

Jesus, don't cry. You can rely on me honey.

How I wish I could sing that.

I went to a reading tonight. It kind of disturbed me because it was a girl not much older than me, justifying her relationship with her best friend's married father. Ugh. The writing was good though. I was like "ooh, i can be a writer too!" like I always do when I see writers read, and then I was like "her dad is the head of the MFA dept at UM. He's published 12 books and probably knows everyone in the lit business." So I guess some people break into the business easier than others. Those people annoy me.

Hah, sorry about my last entry. Since when did I get so pathetic?

Oh when oh when oh when am i going to do all this homework??

Isn't there just one guy out there that cares about me enough to want to be a part of my life?

Okay, so I'm sitting in the big range and again, my thoughts are attacked with terrible memories and such, and right before I was about to cry, this song by Van Morrison started playing:

In the gentle evening breeze
By the whispering shady trees
I will find my santuary in the Lord.

And no matter where I roam
I will find my way back home
I will always return to the Lord.

And I think that's just it. He is where we find rest from the memories we don't want to have. And the threat of those memories "This could happen to you again..." is answered in the next stanza. "No matter where I roam I will find my way back home." If we desire God to hold onto us, and trust that He is, we will always find our way back home, no matter how far we wander off. With that in mind, I can be free from my past and the threat of it repeating itself in my future. Not bad, eh?

Madeleine L'Engle says that time disappears for an artist at work. Last night i sat down at the computer at 9pm and didn't budge until 2am. I didn't notice.

I really love getting the first draft out. It's such a freeing feeling shed off inhibitions and jump into the world of my characters, letting details drip off my fingers and into Microsoft Word. I get to experience the events with my narrator--surprised when she's surprised, sad when she's sad, and laugh when she laughs.

After the first draft I have to creep back on the outside. I have to be objective and tough, often heartless and mean, for revision. From here, writing is hard work.

I'm in such a bad mood. Only one man can save me.

James Brown

I don't care where I live next year, as long as I'm alone. I'm tired of cleaning up after other people, and if I lived with someone cleaner than me, I'd feel really bad if they cleaned up after me.

So... Chicago? Maybe I can find a one bedroom for 500 a month. I could budget that.

I just hope wherever I am, the place doesn't catch on fire. I'm too deaf to wake up to an alarm and I'd probably choke in the smoke. God I hate being deaf sometimes.

Complaining is a wonderful way to be immature and ungrateful.

I think I've come to the conclusion that doing the show I'm in has been, overall, a wonderful opportunity to serve Jesus. It's been an excersize in patience, encouragement, persistance, pure heartedness, forgiveness, peace, servitude, and love. What else could I ask for in my life experiences? It's nice to know that Aslan is on the move, in my life and perhaps in the lives around me.

"He will make good the right to be a pilgrim."

Spiritually, this has been a very productive semester so far. Academically...

"Done laid around can't stay here
This old town too long.
I believe I got to be travelling on."
~Eric Bibb

I don't know if those are the exact words, but that's what i had in my head when I woke up. Hah, I think my gut reaction to life right now is "Run Away!"

The show will be okay tonight. Actually, it could be very good. Hm.

7 o'clock, 1st Floot of the Freize Building (State Street side), Arena Theater.

"John listen fast, you did not get this call!
You're the one who bought the one for me, after all!
When you are a friend, you're a friend through and through!
When you are in trouble I will cover for you!"

~Miss Saigon

Good Lord And Butter.

We lost a great actress from the show tonight. The Basement Board decided it was to risky to put someone with shingles and an resperatory infection on stage. It was so tragic. I feel really bad for her, all that work she put in. The director is taking over. I'm sure she'll be fine, but I'm extremely sad. Damn it.

Well, I had more energy at rehearsal than I have all term. I was happy about that. It will be nice to have an audience to laugh at our jokes. The girl who plays the lead is hilarious, which is good. I've never been in a show that was so shaky two days before opening. But one of our tech people said she's seen worse, so that was encouraging. It will be nice to see how we pull our shit together.

Who reads this? hopefully no one offended by swearing.

Oh, and one more thought for the night. Erinn got her Miss Saigon cds from her back from her sister tonight. So now we're listening and belting along. And you know what? The lyrics are terrible. And we listened to this when we were 11 years old. I can't believe my parents let me. And broadway hit musicals are so obnoxiously pop-y. But holy moses, are they fun to sing along to.

I feel like Bob Fosse. My body is giving out and it's all because of show business! AH!

A girl in the cast has shingles. Is that how you spell the post-chicken pox disease? We're still trying to decide whether to do the show. :(

Also, of note, I can't write the story I was going to. A girl wrote one with the same theme, which was okay--I still coulda wrote mine because it was from another perspective, but then all of the suggestions she got, well, most of them, were to make it more like mine. So if i workshopped it, people would say "hey, she just took the ideas from Eva's story and made her own!" How annoying.

Maybe it's God saying that I need to NOT base the story on what I was going to base it on. Those of you that I've talked to about it, will probably nod in agreement. It was such a great theme though: I'm glad nothing ever happened between us, because then I would know that he wasn't perfect.
Heh. There was the theme. Now don't steal it!

"Good Lord and Butter"
~The Miss Firecracker Contest.

I'm going to get some rest now.

Oh, and just so you all know, I was told at rehearsal today that I'm a hot kisser. HAH, well, there's something good Christian girls are used to hearing.

Come to see the show if you want to see my hot kissing.
Thurs at 7, Fri 7&11, Sat 7 in the arena theater of the freize building.

I just came from rehearsal. It was a wild one. 6 hours long. And I have no food to eat! But it's okay, I will find something. Mmm, there ain't nothin' like a dinner of cheezits and nuts. Protein and... nothingness.

I'm pretty pleased with the work I did in rehearsal tonight. I got a harsh note from the director to begin the rehearsal that I have no energy at rehearsals. That scared me, because I used to be so full of energy. This semester is wearing me out. I feel like I have five jobs. A writer, an actress, a scholar, a theater student, and a sunday school teacher. But I know I'l get through it. I just have to remember being in High School, when I had 9 hours of school, dance classes, and then rehearsals. My days forced me to be out of the house from 7am to 11pm. I really think it's because of God that I could do it. I would give the day to him in the morning "I can't get through this! I'm tired and stressed." and at the end of the day I had accomplished all that worried me, and it all turned out better than I had planned it to. A good rehearsal, good scores on tests. I remember those days.

Imagine, not having other obligations than just doing a show. Kinda like my summer in Jackson doing Shakespeare. Gregory Hines (may he rest in peace) described his experience on Broadway in Jelly's Last Jam as hermitage... I don't have the choice to be a hermit during this show. I was a bit, in Jackson.

I wish I could be a REAL hermit right now... Have nothing to do but read books, make food, listen to music, and write stories. Being a hermit is impossible when you're in school.

"Love makes a change, I'm living the proof.
New water's in the well and I'm grateful for every drop."
~Erib Bibb.

Don't forget about grace.

Yesterday my American Drama professor mentioned that he once recieved a Christmas card that had Edvard Monk's "Scream" on the front and inside it said "Peace on Earth."

I wonder if Bono would think that was funny.

Did I waste it? Not so much I couldn't taste it.
Life should be fragrant, rooftop to the basement.
~U2

Lessons from one of the worst days of my life:

1) don't put the cigarettes in the shallow pocket of the coat, but if you hold the coat upside down, don't do that in dance class. you might lose the cigarettes, and dance class is the worst place to blow your cover as a smoker.
2) if you lose your temper, wait until Jesus has left the topic of discussion, even if you are right.
3) Don't tell Nora that Jesus was a good moral guy but not the Son of God if you don't want her to blow her steam, and don't tell her that right after the director of her play calls her and snaps at her and demands that she come to a rehearsal 2 hours earlier than scheduled. On the same note, don't ask questions about Jesus to someone, if you're director has just pissed you off.
4) When you're filming a sitcom that only has one joke, make sure to really punch that one joke, so help you Janet Maylie.
5) Smoking more than you eat is a fine way to kill yourself. Really think about how valuable your life is before you pick up that habit. It's one thing to smoke, another to make that 90% of the "nutrients" that enter your body.
6) Don't look to people learn about Jesus. Either pray to Him, or read the Bible. If you don't believe that the people who wrote the Bible are trustworthy, ask Jesus to show you Himself. Don't look to people to see Jesus. Especially me.
7) Learn your lines for the show that goes up a week from today, and learn them well, or you'll waste the rest of the cast's time and make them stay at rehearsal 15 mins longer than they planned, and you won't get through the run through of Act 2.
8) If U2's next album is as remotely spirtually nurishing as their last one, Nora will be spiritually well-fed.
9) Don't you ever let nobody drag your spirit down. Remember you walkin' up to heaven, don't let nobody turn you around.