I just got a grasshopper from Frostproof, Florida.

I put this up as my away message earlier today:

"And so you see I've come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you"
P. Simon

I didn't know that it would define my day...

Today's American Drama lecture was very trying to my faith, and sent me home with lots of doubts. The professor noted that many theologists say that sin was the best thing that happened to God, because now he has people who choose to follow Him instead of innocent people who don't make choices. He said that Adam and Eve weren't "Good" because you can only be good if you choose to be, and without the fall, there was no choice. I rose my hand and asked "what about the tree? They had a choice about the tree." And he said, they couldn't be good, they could only obey God.

That was pretty disturbing to me. But then, after making some phone calls, first to my mother, then to my buddy/brother in Christ, Erik Thor, for a little faith uplifting. Both were very uplifting to talk to. Erik said something that made me laugh for the first time in 2 hours. (I had been in a good mood until lecture). I asked him, "How do I know God is in me?" and he said "because His spirit is you." I asked, "How do I know God's spirit is in me?" and he said, "because if He weren't in you, you would have just walked out of there with a notebook full of lecture notes. You're thinking about Him." And I laughed and he laughed and we had a good laugh together. Erik puts things so simply, with so much wit and truth. It's so good to have good friends.

With my mom, I related the stuff about Adam and Eve. And then I realised... Adam and Eve always DID have a choice to be good, the choice to obey is the choice to be good. Because obeying God is being good. What is obeying God? Loving Him and loving people. God's will for us is Good. Obeying Him (whether by loving people, forgiving people, or staying clear from sin) is being Good. So... HAH. There goes that argument. And there goes that doubt.

My mother reminded me that we can't read the Bible unless we have the spirit to guide us. You can't get to God with logic, you can't get to him with works. You can only get to Him with Jesus' spirit.

But the quote on the top, that was what happened today. The only truth I knew was Jesus, all the rest I doubted for about 20 mins. But God has restored my faith, outdone my doubt, and I am very grateful. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. God used them both today to keep me in His kingdom. :)

Haha, Bob Dylan. You are so funny.

"Love is just a four-letter word."

I wish I had listened to that on Valentines Day. There's always next year...

Last night I went to my Aunt Mary's, and my Uncle Fred had a band down in his recording studio. Heh, yeah, he has a recording studio in his basement. Anyway, Mary made me go down there and sing with them. Most of the songs I knew that they could play were Beatles songs and Paul Simon songs (which, to Lisa's amusement, they were amazed that I knew... "How do you know those old songs?" Remember the look on Peggy and Kevin's faces in Denver, when I mentioned that we were listening to the Who?) The Beatles and Simon are both pretty much too high for me (damn tenors), but we made a neat recording of In My Life.

I like singing with a band! Haha. I forgot to ask them if they knew any Janis Joplin. But I guess it's good, so now I can have a voice to talk this morning. Bobby McGee would have been fun. But my favorite song I sang was "Bring it on home to me," a blues song (Sam Cooke). It was so fun to sing the blues with a band, after listening to it for so long. They were really good, much better musicians than I am at just singing random songs. But after I got comfortable it got more fun. Hah, what a night. Too bad I didn't get much homework done...

I've been listening to India Arie again and she's really encouraged me this morning. Two songs that have spoken to me. Both have to do with moving forward, spiritually and mentally.

"Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
it's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found"
~Strength Courage and Wisdom

And to compliment my urge to travel and keep moving:

"Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself

But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right"
~Beautiful

Yeah, a place where wrong becomes right. I'll probably have to die to find that one.

I'm working on my dramaturgy project and researching the Great Depression. You know how I say that Detroit is one bad decision after another? (Like getting rid of school buses, Cobo Hall along the River, Casinos...) Well, it's kind of encouraging to know that the idiots aren't just running the city, they're running the whole country. And they always have! The Great Depression is one bad decision after another. "What?" said the government, "five million people are unemployed? Let's make everything more expensive and raise taxes!"

Today is Valentines Day. To celebrate, I finished most of my work on the Arthur Miller Project, (which I did from the Tap Room at the Union) and went to see IN AMERICA at the State Theater. And holy moses, people. What a great movie. I highly recommend it. It was about Irish Immigrants, modern day immigrants in NYC. And it ruled.

I am starting to resent being in school. I have so little left, yet it seems like so much. I want to get out of Ann Arbor!!

One day, I'll miss this place.

There's this Wilco Lyric:

Jesus, don't cry. You can rely on me honey.

How I wish I could sing that.

I went to a reading tonight. It kind of disturbed me because it was a girl not much older than me, justifying her relationship with her best friend's married father. Ugh. The writing was good though. I was like "ooh, i can be a writer too!" like I always do when I see writers read, and then I was like "her dad is the head of the MFA dept at UM. He's published 12 books and probably knows everyone in the lit business." So I guess some people break into the business easier than others. Those people annoy me.

Hah, sorry about my last entry. Since when did I get so pathetic?

Oh when oh when oh when am i going to do all this homework??

Isn't there just one guy out there that cares about me enough to want to be a part of my life?

Okay, so I'm sitting in the big range and again, my thoughts are attacked with terrible memories and such, and right before I was about to cry, this song by Van Morrison started playing:

In the gentle evening breeze
By the whispering shady trees
I will find my santuary in the Lord.

And no matter where I roam
I will find my way back home
I will always return to the Lord.

And I think that's just it. He is where we find rest from the memories we don't want to have. And the threat of those memories "This could happen to you again..." is answered in the next stanza. "No matter where I roam I will find my way back home." If we desire God to hold onto us, and trust that He is, we will always find our way back home, no matter how far we wander off. With that in mind, I can be free from my past and the threat of it repeating itself in my future. Not bad, eh?

Madeleine L'Engle says that time disappears for an artist at work. Last night i sat down at the computer at 9pm and didn't budge until 2am. I didn't notice.

I really love getting the first draft out. It's such a freeing feeling shed off inhibitions and jump into the world of my characters, letting details drip off my fingers and into Microsoft Word. I get to experience the events with my narrator--surprised when she's surprised, sad when she's sad, and laugh when she laughs.

After the first draft I have to creep back on the outside. I have to be objective and tough, often heartless and mean, for revision. From here, writing is hard work.

I'm in such a bad mood. Only one man can save me.

James Brown

I don't care where I live next year, as long as I'm alone. I'm tired of cleaning up after other people, and if I lived with someone cleaner than me, I'd feel really bad if they cleaned up after me.

So... Chicago? Maybe I can find a one bedroom for 500 a month. I could budget that.

I just hope wherever I am, the place doesn't catch on fire. I'm too deaf to wake up to an alarm and I'd probably choke in the smoke. God I hate being deaf sometimes.

Complaining is a wonderful way to be immature and ungrateful.

I think I've come to the conclusion that doing the show I'm in has been, overall, a wonderful opportunity to serve Jesus. It's been an excersize in patience, encouragement, persistance, pure heartedness, forgiveness, peace, servitude, and love. What else could I ask for in my life experiences? It's nice to know that Aslan is on the move, in my life and perhaps in the lives around me.

"He will make good the right to be a pilgrim."

Spiritually, this has been a very productive semester so far. Academically...

"Done laid around can't stay here
This old town too long.
I believe I got to be travelling on."
~Eric Bibb

I don't know if those are the exact words, but that's what i had in my head when I woke up. Hah, I think my gut reaction to life right now is "Run Away!"

The show will be okay tonight. Actually, it could be very good. Hm.

7 o'clock, 1st Floot of the Freize Building (State Street side), Arena Theater.

"John listen fast, you did not get this call!
You're the one who bought the one for me, after all!
When you are a friend, you're a friend through and through!
When you are in trouble I will cover for you!"

~Miss Saigon

Good Lord And Butter.

We lost a great actress from the show tonight. The Basement Board decided it was to risky to put someone with shingles and an resperatory infection on stage. It was so tragic. I feel really bad for her, all that work she put in. The director is taking over. I'm sure she'll be fine, but I'm extremely sad. Damn it.

Well, I had more energy at rehearsal than I have all term. I was happy about that. It will be nice to have an audience to laugh at our jokes. The girl who plays the lead is hilarious, which is good. I've never been in a show that was so shaky two days before opening. But one of our tech people said she's seen worse, so that was encouraging. It will be nice to see how we pull our shit together.

Who reads this? hopefully no one offended by swearing.

Oh, and one more thought for the night. Erinn got her Miss Saigon cds from her back from her sister tonight. So now we're listening and belting along. And you know what? The lyrics are terrible. And we listened to this when we were 11 years old. I can't believe my parents let me. And broadway hit musicals are so obnoxiously pop-y. But holy moses, are they fun to sing along to.

I feel like Bob Fosse. My body is giving out and it's all because of show business! AH!

A girl in the cast has shingles. Is that how you spell the post-chicken pox disease? We're still trying to decide whether to do the show. :(

Also, of note, I can't write the story I was going to. A girl wrote one with the same theme, which was okay--I still coulda wrote mine because it was from another perspective, but then all of the suggestions she got, well, most of them, were to make it more like mine. So if i workshopped it, people would say "hey, she just took the ideas from Eva's story and made her own!" How annoying.

Maybe it's God saying that I need to NOT base the story on what I was going to base it on. Those of you that I've talked to about it, will probably nod in agreement. It was such a great theme though: I'm glad nothing ever happened between us, because then I would know that he wasn't perfect.
Heh. There was the theme. Now don't steal it!

"Good Lord and Butter"
~The Miss Firecracker Contest.

I'm going to get some rest now.