Yesterday, George MacDonald described depression or low spirits in the little anthology I have... I'm going to have to paraphrase what he said because I don't have the book with me (I'm in the Angell Hall Fishbowl at UofM waitng for James McNaughton to finish his lecture on Great Books). Anyway, MacDONALD described that these feelings could be overcome, not by forcing ourselves to try to feel rightly spiritual, but by doing good works. By taking action.
I had a rough Tuesday day and then night after Dale's Bible Study--which may mean that the Bible study was good and the opposing forces were trying to keep me from retaining any of it--and I woke up Wednesday morning with a dark cloud hanging over me. I felt so crummy that I considered calling off my Hannan House class because I didn't think I'd be able to make it. Not physically, just mentally. But after I read the MacDonald, I felt like he was telling me to meet my responsibilities, despite my feelings, and they would somehow lift my mood. And I'm so glad I followed that advice because heaven knows what my day would have been like if i'd just stayed inside and stared at the wall.
Hannan house was hysterically funny. My grandma brought photographs of her paintings and took 30 mins of class time to explain them all to the her READERS THEATER classmates. I loved it, because of how much fun the others had while looking at her work, the way they praised her work, and the reminder that this woman is 87 and still productive, even if the process has gotten a little wacky. It wasn't a problem to start so late, since our Ichabod Crane arrived to our rehearsal/class just as my grandma was finishing up her presentation. (She called you Karl, by the way Ian.) One thing that struck me is when one of the classmates praised my Grandma's ability to capture shadows and light in water, my Grandma responded (a bit lucidly) with the fact that she's always been able to find beauty in simple things, without having to look too far.
After the class my mind started to clear--maybe it started to clear with my grandma's beauty comment. But that's what it's like--having a cloud over my mind so that I can't see straight and then some kind of positive idea pierces through that cloud and it dissipates into clarity. Anyway, I guess it all goes to say that I am NOT taking my time with my grandma or my hannan house people for granted.
2 comments:
good for you, babygirl.
keep
on
keepin
on
you
KNOW?
Ha... I'm in the Angell Hall Fishbowl at U of M, waiting for my meeting with Keith (hippie-santa-claus/poet/amazing teacher). I'm also feeling down... for a reason, for once, and it's not too bad. But I'm glad for the people around me; they feel companionable, even though they aren't companions.
Anyway, I was thinking about what you said about MacDonald. I never finished that anthology; I'll have to go back and see what he writes about low spirits. I agree that the way to overcome low spirits is not through trying to force oneself into a better, stronger (whatever) spiritual state. I remember trying to encourage someone who was struggling to stop thinking about harming herself... I said that if you try not to look at something--try to avert your eyes--you're going to look at the thing. But if you consciously focus on something else, you might succeed in not looking at the first thing. My point was that if my friend stopped fighting the self-harm thoughts and instead deliberately focused on something else, say, the steps needed to get herself a meal, then maybe the bad thoughts would ebb. Maybe. But your (or MacDonald's) emphasis on action reminded me of this. Action can mean actively seeking the good--stopping fighting the bad and instead striving towards the good.
But I do think it's important to remember the limits of what you can do. For many people, including myself, there are times when action no longer works either. And that's ok... my friend worked to do good things for herself, but eventually she was overwhelmed again. There's nothing wrong with that. No one should have to save herself. The pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps appproach to mental health is a crock of shit anyway. Because it doesn't acknowledge human frailty and our dependence on each other... Jesus teaches us to become children--and though that has many meanings, I think that it does have a lot to do with interdependence, with allowing ourselves to need. Becoming like children also has to do, I think, with treating ourselves and each other as we would treat children--with great generosity, with great forgiveness for their foibles.
Ok... I hope I was clear. And I hope I see you soon!
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