UPdate

I've been taking my time to update, because I hadn't anything good to say until now. I only had the negative news: Nate and I broke up on Sunday. I'm grieving, as you could guess I would be by reading my recent entries. I've been working through the loss, trying to figure out how to deal with myself now. I miss him terribly (though I must mention that our break-up was high spirited, we both felt like it was the best thing to do at this time.) We want time to get to know each other as good friends, since we never really had that time. We are both uncertain about our future together and don't feel like we know each other well enough to trust one another through the grit we've been facing. Meanwhile, we decided to take the next 10 days away from each other, without communicating. This has been so hard for me because I miss him so much.

So, I spent the last three days, as I've said, in a deep grieving state. I only had JC Penney's to do--lots of time to think and grieve. I'd go home and cry a bit over my loss. Sleep has been hard, eating too. But today I started on what I think will be a path of my revitalization.

To be single is not a bad thing. I remember being single last summer and having joy in that state--there is joy in singleness. Focus is a blessing that comes with singleness. It's a time to be useful.

I started my project with Walk and Squawk, collecting stories from elderly Detroiters at the Hannan House. We had a poetry workshop with a local spoken-word artist named Blair. Blair's income is Art. He makes a living at it! What an inspiration. He pays his bills by performing with has band and teaching poetry four times a week at Cass Tech HS. He's going to be performing in the Walking Project--the show I'm going to South Africa with in May or June. The workshop's particpants were a delightful group. I am very excited about being part of this project. Love for my city burst forth during the session.

After Hannan House, I headed over to my old high school and helped coach a Forensics Duo. They were doing a James Baldwin piece called the "Amen Corner." The kids I worked with were sweet and attentive and talented. It was gratifying to be able to relate some of my theater training to their work. I'll be returning there tomorrow after the funeral.

I left DSA, my HS, with such a sense of usefulness. Yes, I still ache for Nate. But today I didn't have to sit in my room and cry about it. The feeling of renewal started this morning when I cleaned the snow off of my car. "Look, I am doing this," I told myself. "I am single and I can get by on my own." I don't know what will happen with my future, in terms of relationships, guys, being in love. But today I am single and today I am useful.

One more thing I should mention: Blair told me that before the Walking Project goes to South Africa, they will take a week and perform it in London. He asked if I was coming... So, London may be in the future for me! I have always wanted to go there... The trip is contingent (sp? on my funds. Anyone willing to donate money?

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My grandma just called, in a frantic state. My mother is supposed to pick her up in about fifteen minutes and take her to a funeral visitation. "Tell your mother I'm sorry but I lost track of time. I was painting and now I'm running late. Tell her to make it quarter after now, instead of quarter till..." I handed the phone to my mom and then returned to this blog entry smiling: The woman is 84, and she still gets wrapped up in her painting and loses track of time. She has been single most of her life, but she has found joy in what she does. She is still single, and still useful. I hope, in this way, I will end up like her.