I'm coming to my blank blog document from a place of frustration. I guess I can use the blog this way, right? To rant, just once?
I find myself slipping into the feeling of insignificance again. For a while there I carried myself with purpose, but lately I'm starting to feel again that I have none. That I'm wasting my days away chasing after the ability to support myself. I've started making decisions based on how much money I'll make because I don't have enough money. I am not living very comfortably. I desire a life that allows me to create and be submersed in creative production, but I just cannot manage that right now. I don't have time for it. I work all day and I'm too tired to write. I made the decision today to not be involved in any productions for a while, probably not till March when Anne Frank comes around, because I'm not writing when I'm in a show. But I've lost confidense in my ability to write a piece, specifically fiction, because I haven't done it for so long. I cannot read what I've written and be satisfied, either.
On top of that I am trying to maintain a sort of social life that has grieved me lately me because I'm either at the bar with people who don't know that I love Jesus or if they do they aren't all that interested. Or I am at Bible Studies with people who are my parents' age. I have about three friends that would feel comfortable coming to the bar with me and going to a Bible Study, but beyond that, there is no middle ground and I feel kind of yanked in all directions. Feeling out of place most of the time doesn't really make for feeling like I am productive or feeling that I have significance.
If this blog entry were a Psalm, this is where it would say, "SELAH". Whatever the hell Selah means. Pause, or something. A pause for reflection.
Today I went to my uncle Tom's Bible study, where, yes Rachel, we are studying Revelation. I was very struck by the idea that in the moment before the end, Three Angels come and proclaim a last call to following Jesus. This is a promise that the truth I live by will be unavoidable. Completely clear. A huge part of that book is the idea that everyone will know. I see this as assurance for all of my doubts. There is so much that I don't know. But up to the last second, loud and clear, no longer just a "spiritual thing," I will see these things that I have mere inklings about now. But I am thankful for the inklings. Also, that up to the last minute, Jesus will be inviting people to live with Him. The fact that some of us live with him before this last call is really to our benefit. We should be thankful that we have relationships with Him already. One day, this relationship will be undeniable for me. I need to hear that because I find my mind slipping into denial, every once in a while.
The first angel tells the world that we were created. The idea that I have a creator is the first step to relief for me in this overwhelming feeling of insignificance. I was created with purpose. I have this purpose built in me right now. Not purpose like, "I am going to be a famous writer." But purpose that I will be with God. I will have a relationship with him. That I do have a relationship with him and one day will see, clear as an angel in mid-air (as chapter 14 describes), the fruits of that relationship.
I need to think about this purpose. It reminds me that my relationship with God manifests itself in my relationships with other people. I wrote a song with the line, "You got someone to love, you got a reason to live." I am once again reminded that all my days that are filled with the interraction with others are days with purpose, because every interraction, be it with the guy behind the counter at the gas station or my co-workers at JC Penneys, is an opportunity to love. There is enough of God's purpose to fill each day with significance, just because of that.
Jesus has told me about a billion times not to chase after things like food and clothes. But I have been doing that. I've also been chasing after ways to fulfill myself creatively. I think it's time for me to slow down and realize that if I chase after the Kingdom, chase after obedience to Jesus' will that we love one another the way I know He loves me, I will find that significance I seek. The rest, how I get my food and how I get to be creative, is just the product of this seeking process.
8 comments:
I will write a pithy tidbit of brotherly advice every time work causes a tedium overload in my brain.
1. You are not too tired to write, you are just not disciplined enough to write when you are tired.
2. The easiest way to not worry about money is to stop buying things. You don't need any of them. Unless it's food, then buy it on sale; there's always one cereal that costs $2.50.
3. C.S. Lewis said before he became a believer he tried to write to be famous. After, he just tried to write well. Disney's not making a movie out of Dymer.
4. Listen to Zooropa often (that you can buy, you can also buy "Greetings from Michigan" by Sufjan Stevens, but that's it.)
5. Don't believe the lie that is Coldplay.
6. Look around and around and see angels in the architecture spinning to infinity and say 'eh? hallelujah.'
* (The last three inspired by the radio station they play at work)
7. Quit smoking and you'll be amazed at all the things you want to quit.
Ok 7 is a good number. I think I'll eat my peanut butter sandwich.
"We want to have a crusade. He wants us to continue." ~Chuck
I like to listen to you talk about Jesus.
I got a callback for that JET show.
We should spend more time together. What are you doing Saturday/Sunday?
Response to Ian:
1. Now that I have a coffee maker (compliments of uncle tom), the chances of me falling asleep at the keyboard have gone down.
2. Even better, mom gave me two boxes of honey bunches of oats when she went back on the Dr. Anderson's.
3. What is Dymer? I'm going to guess that it's a book Uncle Clive wrote before he found Jesus?
4. I'll get on buying that Zooropa. Why? And anyone got it to dub?
5. Haven't listened to Coldplay in a long time. You should listen to Over the Rhine.
6. Why am I short of attention?
Got a short little span of attention,
And whoa, my nights are so long!
Where's my wife and family?
What if I die here?
Who'll be my role-model?
Now that my role-model is
Gone, Gone.
7. I tried to quit caffeine, but it just doesn't work when I have to get up at 5:30am.
8. Your story is coming. Email me your address. NJtheLB@hotmail.com
RESPONSE TO LISA:
Nice. Do you remember that quote about Lisa-Beth? What did he say to make her respond, "apparently..." I can't remember
RESPONSE TO ANNIE:
How about Sunday? I have to work till one, but you can come over for dinner and we can go do the open mic at Xhedos. I hope you get cast in Nickel and Dimed. I've always wanted to see you work a shit-job. :)
"He ducked back down the alley
With some roly-poly little bat-faced girl
All along along
There were incidents and accidents
There were hints and allegations"
Ya dig?
You can come to our Bible study. We are all currently under 30.
it's a street in a strange world
(but) you're packing a suitcase
(and) He will make good the right to be a pilgrim
Done laid around
Can't stay here
In this old town too long
Summer's almost gone
Summer's almost gone.
Nora, you get an outrageous number of comments, for how infrequently you update. Perhaps you should post more often.
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