Here are some bits of dialogue I've overheard lately:

1) A kid walking behind me on the way to S Quad, speaking on his cell phone:
"Girl, now you know there are three sides to every story. Your side, her side, and the truth."
I've never heard that one before.

2) Walking through the Natural History Museum to my job at the insects division, I heard three kids, no older than five years old, crowding over that wide tube that places have for donations. You know, you throw a coin in and watch it spin around and go down a drain type thing.
"A: What is that for?
B: It's a toilet.
A: No, it's not!
B: Yes it is!
C: It's an insect cup."

GOOD NEWS:
1) Kara and Mike are engaged.
2) I'm done with school for a while. Yippee
a. I can write what I want
b. I can read what I want
3) Thanks to Bethany, I now know how to sing "Ding dong the witch is dead" In German:
"Ding dong, die Hexe ist tot.
Welche alte Hexe?
Die bose Hexe!
Ding dong die bose Hexe ist tot!"

Okay, yes, I admit that the last thing was pretty random, but in a way, it fits. It is the first song of independence I ever learned... Hm.

Lots of death and divorce surrounding my life right now. Anyone got any good news?

NO NO NO, don't tell me how many days i have left till classes are over.

I think I'm going to write a commentary on Christianity in America called "It's in the Bible so it Must Be Okay." There will be the following Chapters: "The Burning Bush" (religion and american politics) "The Breastplate of Rye-Cheese-Mess" (watered down, or "accessable" Christianity), "Caution, Jesus is God," (Jesus and fear), "The Most Segregated Hour," (segregation of the Church--that's Church with a capital C), "Join my Cult" (Christian Organization).

And then I will be slaughtered.

My grandma Bonner has been in the hospital. She's at a point now where she has to decide whether to get life-risking surgery or be in pain and never be able to walk again. I know that I would want to take the risk (rather be dead than in pain), but I don't want her to take the risk. What a curious place to be. I'm so selfish.

Okay, I can't figure this out about myself. I love politics. I love talking about politics. It's very hard for me to admit, really, because I think talking about politics is as pointless as talking about whether there is life on other planets. But today I met with Kristina, a friend from way back when, and I was just thrilled to ask her what she thought of various political issues (she's a poli-sci major.) And I noticed on my trip, politics came up again and again and again.

Oh, I also want you all to ask yourself, "Do I believe in ghosts?" It's a decision we all must make at some point in our lives. (That's what I told Lisa. I also told her that whether there is life on other planets is one of these decisions.)�

OH MARCIA

My mom asked me to run to the dollar store to get Peeps. She doesn't like them, she just wants to put them in the microwave because she heard you can watch their expressions change as they puff up.

Survey: What is your favorite Beatles Song?

Okay folks, here's a bit of useful information for ya.

There is a rap star and his name is Jay-Z. He has an album called "The Black Album."
Jay-Z also has an album called "The Black White Album" in which he incorporates hip hop rhythms to fit behind the songs on the Beatles "White Album."

I watched OLEANNA today with Bethany. The play is flawless. I listen to the dialogue and it puts me to shame. Will I ever be able to write something so tight? Where every sentence is needed and there is absolutely no excess?

Not only is it tight, but it's thought provoking, intense, and interesting all the way through.

Man, I love those movies/plays that make you want to throw things.

And now, for kicks, I'm going to list my favorite plays. I'm a senior, from four years of theatrical education, so I should figure out what my favorite plays are.

In no particular order (writing them down as they come):
(Oh, and I've not been in these. I don't think I could judge a play I've been in as the play itself.)

Obviously, Oleanna
The Dutchman
Waiting for Lefty
A Streetcar Named Desire
Fuddy Meers
The Tempest
Othello
Henry V
Hamlet
Agamemnon
Incident at Vichy
Summer and Smoke
Shoot, what's that one that we read in theater history? I think it's called The Wall.

Musicals:
Assassins is #1
Sweeney Todd (The Demon Barber of Fleet Street)
Jelly's Last Jam
Godspell
Pippin

Hehe, I'm sure you all were SO interested in that entry. But it's my journal. I have a license to be self-indulgent.

Today I sat in the Hopwood room, where they have cookies and coffee every thursday, and chatted with an MFA student who was kicked out of HS three times. Doesn't it make you smile to know that a graduate student got accepted to Rackham (sp?) with a GED? (well, he also had a BA from somewhere...) It actually does make me smile. It goes to show that second chances do exist.

Magic Writing Formula:

1 hour nap + hot shower + large cup of coffee.

Result: An alert mental focus and concentration, yet a drowsy physical state that prevents one from wanting to fidget or get up every five seconds while writing...

Prize to the person who can tell me why i'm so tired all the time.

"I'm a long way from where I've been
But I gotta keep movin'
Movin'
Movin' Lawd,
Till I move on in..."
~Don't Bother Me 'Cause I Can't Cope

I've posted this quote before, but it has never seemed more true.
Lisa said the title is enough

I just got a pop up that advertised a Christian dating service online.

And I thought all Christians "Kissed Dating Good-bye"�

I think Niki wants to use "Is this love?" (Bob Marley) for his wedding... As Lisa recalls, that's the song that I chose for my wedding (which, admittedly, is a little less real to me as Jenni and Niki's...). I chose it... where, Lisa? In Oklahoma? Arkansas? Texas? Did I choose my wedding dance in Texas? In the car on Hwy 40. It made me so happy. I mean, look at the words:

"I wanna love you and treat you right
I wanna love you ev-e-ry day and ev-e-ry night
We'll be together, with the roof right over our heads
We'll have the shelter of my single bed
We'll share the same room, yeah, but Jah provide the bread."

If Niki persuades Jenni to dance to that Rastafarian love song (I will be surprised), I suppose I could use it too, twenty years later at my wedding. But if he does, I just want you all to know that it was my idea first!

Bethany and I had a neat discussion tonight about the games we played during childhood. I realised that I have been writing before I knew how to write--whenever we played house or somekind of game like that (situational--restaurant, doctor, library) I always bossed people around, giving them plot guidelines. I knew what every character had to do. I must have been a pain in the ass, but it's kind of fun to think about.

Anyway, it's looking at things like that: the pages and pages of letters i wrote to Erik; the books marjorie and I passed during the long DSA hours filled with our writing; the journals i have kept since 8th grade; sitting with my mom, at the age of five, dictating to her plays I wrote while she typed them on her wordprocessor--remembering these helps me to say, "yeah, i was supposed to be a writer all along." And the disappointment of giving up on my theater dreams doesn't seem so heavy. Besides, is there really that big of a difference between theater and being a writer? Not so huge.

"Open your heart and grow with what life sends
That's your ticket to the Festival of Friends."

Grow with what life sends. What a great idea. This weekend life sent me a workshop that perplexed me. I can choose to let it drag me down or teach me something. And I guess it's taught me that I'd rather slave over a profession that tells its aspirers to "Read everything you can get your hands on," than "Watch TV every chance you get."

I cried for the first time in a long time. It was when I read Jenni's words (in a letter from Thailand) "I am praying you are knowing that fullness of peace, even if you don't have a plan for your future. You do have the assurance that your future is great!"

I can't wait till she comes home. I need that assurance. But I got a glimpse of it tonight. You see, I've had a long day at a workshop in which I made a bad choice of monologue. I have made this bad choice before. Boldness over Believability. I need to just trust that who I am, the simple me, is good enough. Is interesting and bold enough. You know, the way he made me. But my theater dreams kind of came to a close today. I guess that's not a bad thing. But I felt like I had no future. And then God reminded me with Jenni's letter, that the glimpses of my great future lie in those times of pure joy in fellowship. When I've found other believers who encourage me to follow Jesus. When we've sat and chatted about what He's done. Those are the glimpses of the future.

After I read Jenni's letter, my friend Ian called and invited me over to eat some pork. That's all he told me. When I got to his house, there were about fifty people over his house eating about fifty courses he and his friend Joe had made: Ribs, Roast Beef, Lamb, Baked chicken, Salmon, barley, corn salad, mashed potatoes, loaves of freshly baked bread, broccoli, couscous, and red beans and rice-there were more that I can't remember. I sat with other believers and laughed and ate. It was a glimpse of heaven. And God gave it to me at the right time. You see, thunderous applause after a show, satisfying auditions, boys revealing their attraction to me, praise from writing teachers--these are all nice, but they don't compare to those moments of deep fellowship--when my friends call me at just the right time and meet my needs like that. I'm being taken care of day by day. Knowing this, I can trust Jesus. And knowing Him is knowing my future is going to be great.

I finished my draft of the ghost story! Now it's on to the scandalous "Secret Story."

TIME according to CS LEWIS

"Of course, you and I tend to take it for granted that this Time series--this arrangement of past, present, and future-- is not simply the way life comes to us but the way all things really exist. We tend to assume that the whole universe and God Himself are always moving on from past to future just as we do. But many learned men do not agree with that. It was first the Theologians that started the idea that some things are not in time at all: Later the Philosophers took it over: now some of the scientists are doing the same. Almost certainly God is not in Time. His life does not consist of moments following one another... This is difficult I know.

Suppose I am writing a novel. I write, "Mary set down her work; next moment there came a knock at the door!" For Mary who has to live in the imaginary time of my novel there is no interval between putting down her work and hearing a knock. But I, who am Mary's maker, do not live in that Imaginary time at all. Between writing the first time of that sentence and the second, I might sit down for three hours and think steadily about Mary. I could think about Mary as if she were the only character in the book, and the hours I spent in doing so would not appear in Mary's time (the time inside her story, at all.

It is not a perfect illustration, of course, but it may give you a glimpse of what I believe to be the Truth. God is not hurried along the time stream of the universe any more than the author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel.

A difficulty we get if we believe God to be in time is this. [Most] everyone who believes in God at all believes He knows what you and I are going to do tomorrow. But if He knows that I am going to do so-and-so, how can I be free to do otherwise? Well, here once again, the difficulty comes from thinking God progresses along the Time-line like us; the only difference being that He can see ahead and we cannot. Well, if that were true, and God forsaw our acts, it would be very hard to understand how we could be free not to do them. But suppose God is outside and above the time-line. In that case, what we call "Tomorrow" is visible for Him in just the same way as what we call "Today." All these are "Now" for Him. He does not remember what you are doing yesterday; he simply sees you doing them: because, though tomorrow is not yet there for you, it is for Him. You never supposed that your actions for this moment were any less free because God knows what you are doing. Well, He knows your tomorrow's actions in just the same way--because He is already in tomorrow and can simply watch you. In a sense, He does not know your action till you have done it: but then the moment at which you have done it is already "Now" for Him.
This idea has helped me a good deal. If it does not help you, leave it alone... you can be a perfectly good Christian without accepting it, or indeed, without thinking about the matter at all.
~MERE CHRISTIANITY

I was just at Yusef Islam's site, and you know? He looks a lot like Jesus. Oh, and Lisa, you are right, the lyrics to this artist formally known as Cat Stevens' song are, "Where I'll end up well I think only God really knows."

Where will I end up?
Only God really knows.

Song #2:

Thinking it over, I've been sad.
Thinking it over, I'd be more than glad to change my ways
For the asking
Ask me and I will play all the love that I hold inside.
P. Simon

Two reasons why I know I still have the Dorothy Complex:

1) I saved a dog at the campout that looked a helluva lot like Toto.

2) I am sadly unnappreciative of my home and I want to get out of here.

Song for today:

But everything you see's not the way it seems --
Tears can sing and joy shed tears.
You can take the wisdom of this world
And give it to the ones who think it all ends here

Let me be a little of your breath
Moving over the face of the deep
Wanna be a particle of your light
Flowing over the hills of morning.
~Bruce Cockburn

I had a bad day today! AH! I will, again, mock it with another slew full of lessons learned:

1) Don't skip dance class the day before spring break. You might miss a five minute combination and look like an ass when you don't know it upon your return to the class, the tuesday after the spring break.

2) Power bars, though they are cheap, yes, make a terrible lunch and are a waste of money that you don't have.

3) Don't try to compete in the theater world unless you have an MFA in theater performance. (That was Desdemona from the Guthrie's advice.)

4) You are not Lisa when it comes to writing papers.

5) If you really want to blow Nora's self esteem, tell her that her prose is bad. And tell her right after she had the comforting thought, "It's okay that you aren't good enough of an actor to get into Yale Drama, because you are a steller writer, and you enjoy writing more than acting, anyway."

6) Repentence is really just an act of self-indulgent remorse (that was from the AmDram prof)

7) Life stinks. (Also from the AmDram prof)

8) Everything you use to get you through life (i.e. God) will fail you (AmDram Prof once more)

9)Stop trying to make life more than it is. It stinks (AmDram man again)

10) Life is a constant process of settling for the smaller dream (AmDram, of course!)

11) Cheer up, things could get worse. (Guess who)

Oh, and:

12) Don't spend two years involved with a guy that lives with his highschool girlfriend. He's gonna marry her, eventually. And lie to you, alot.

Oh, here's an explanation for the cornbread.

My parents are on the Atkins diet, that means that there are very few carbs in the house and there is never good food, like cornbread, there to nibble on while I wait for my dad to cook dinner. It is very hard to wait for him to cook dinner because dinner is usually something like pork or steak when I come home and the smells permeate through all floors of the ancient rosedale home, causing the tastebuds and empty stomach to run wild.

So, anyway, finding bread on the table meant that my parents were eating bread again. And I can no longer coin their home, "carb-forsaken" as I once did.

Oh, and on Sunday, we had rice with the bbq pork tenderloin.

There is a batch of cornbread, 2/3 eaten, on my parent's kitchen counter next to the stove!

I'm back in Ann Arbor now.

The rest of the Chicago trip was fine and dandy. Bethany and I went downtown to the art museum where we saw some Seurats, Monets, Van Goghs, and Picassos. Then we walked down Michigan Ave. to Bloomingdales where her friend works. Meanwhile, my brother was back at his apt fixing the computer formally known as Fucker--he hasn't earned his name since, and he actually opens Word now! Hurray! I think my brother finished some screenplays as well (he's working on three.) In the evening we had hummus and tabouli sandwiches and watched the Simpsons. Later on in the evening we met up with James of 11th grade boyfriend fame. It was good to see him. He's pretty much the same as ever, but that meant that we got along well. Don't ask me what he's doing there (as far as how he's supporting himself) because it was really hard to tell when he told me. But we got lost in the car on the way home to my brothers. Just like old times.

Yesterday Bethany and I had HUGE-ass pancakes (chocolate chip) for breakfast at a little diner type place around the corner, and then Bethany drove the car from Chicago to Grand Rapids, where her parents live (I would have drove, but I lost my license at the Riviera theater where we saw Rufus.) Last night her mom made us a lovely dinner, and then we played scrabble.

Today I got my temp. license from the secretary of state in Grand Rapids so I could drive home. After that we called Jenni in Thailand, which was very cool. And then after we called Jenni, we went downtown to the art museum there and saw this photo/watercolor collection about the Blues. Much to my delight. :) It was a wonderful exibit, I was well pleased and wanted to move down to New Orleans again (anyone want to join me?). Then I drove home.

Well, that was my vacation. Soon I should start writing, now that Microsoft Word has worked its way back into my life. I wish I felt like writing. I should at least do ten mins. Reading plays doesn't sound like a bad idea either.

I'm in Chicago. Last night Bethany and I saw Rufus Wainwright. He put on a great concert. He has such a powerful voice.
Today we were extras in a movie that some grad student was making at Columbia. I had to sit with my brother in a coffee shop and pretend to drink cold expresso. It was pretty tedious, but visiting my brother was fun. Last night was a lot of fun because Ian had tons of people in his apt, all eating chocolate fondu and cookies. We horsed around and watched their movies. They all make movies, apparently. Intresting crowd...

Last night i came up with another pipedream: (That's what I call my future plans.)
Move somewhere cheap, like the South, and learn french from french classes. Spend the next three years in france. Move back to the US and learn German. Go to Germany. By the time I'm thirty, I could be quatrilingual! Is that the way you spell that?

Maybe I should just learn English first...

"Now it's over I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want
Or I'l still alive and there's nothing
I want to do"
~They Might Be Giants

"When it rains, it pours."
~Marcia

The Greatest Lie Ever Told:
You WILL be like God.

Why didn't someone tell Eve she was created in God's image? And she knew that what she was doing was wrong, because God told her it was wrong to do what she was doing. I guess she didn't understand the consequences.

"You have no idea where I come from or where I am going. You judge on human standards." ~Jesus

"shall we therefor continue to sin, that grace might abound all the more?"
~Paul

AH. Grace. Grace is better than innocence? I guess I'll never know. But isn't it like God, to take a disaster and make the situation better than it was going to be in the first place?

I just got a grasshopper from Frostproof, Florida.

I put this up as my away message earlier today:

"And so you see I've come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you"
P. Simon

I didn't know that it would define my day...

Today's American Drama lecture was very trying to my faith, and sent me home with lots of doubts. The professor noted that many theologists say that sin was the best thing that happened to God, because now he has people who choose to follow Him instead of innocent people who don't make choices. He said that Adam and Eve weren't "Good" because you can only be good if you choose to be, and without the fall, there was no choice. I rose my hand and asked "what about the tree? They had a choice about the tree." And he said, they couldn't be good, they could only obey God.

That was pretty disturbing to me. But then, after making some phone calls, first to my mother, then to my buddy/brother in Christ, Erik Thor, for a little faith uplifting. Both were very uplifting to talk to. Erik said something that made me laugh for the first time in 2 hours. (I had been in a good mood until lecture). I asked him, "How do I know God is in me?" and he said "because His spirit is you." I asked, "How do I know God's spirit is in me?" and he said, "because if He weren't in you, you would have just walked out of there with a notebook full of lecture notes. You're thinking about Him." And I laughed and he laughed and we had a good laugh together. Erik puts things so simply, with so much wit and truth. It's so good to have good friends.

With my mom, I related the stuff about Adam and Eve. And then I realised... Adam and Eve always DID have a choice to be good, the choice to obey is the choice to be good. Because obeying God is being good. What is obeying God? Loving Him and loving people. God's will for us is Good. Obeying Him (whether by loving people, forgiving people, or staying clear from sin) is being Good. So... HAH. There goes that argument. And there goes that doubt.

My mother reminded me that we can't read the Bible unless we have the spirit to guide us. You can't get to God with logic, you can't get to him with works. You can only get to Him with Jesus' spirit.

But the quote on the top, that was what happened today. The only truth I knew was Jesus, all the rest I doubted for about 20 mins. But God has restored my faith, outdone my doubt, and I am very grateful. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. God used them both today to keep me in His kingdom. :)

Haha, Bob Dylan. You are so funny.

"Love is just a four-letter word."

I wish I had listened to that on Valentines Day. There's always next year...

Last night I went to my Aunt Mary's, and my Uncle Fred had a band down in his recording studio. Heh, yeah, he has a recording studio in his basement. Anyway, Mary made me go down there and sing with them. Most of the songs I knew that they could play were Beatles songs and Paul Simon songs (which, to Lisa's amusement, they were amazed that I knew... "How do you know those old songs?" Remember the look on Peggy and Kevin's faces in Denver, when I mentioned that we were listening to the Who?) The Beatles and Simon are both pretty much too high for me (damn tenors), but we made a neat recording of In My Life.

I like singing with a band! Haha. I forgot to ask them if they knew any Janis Joplin. But I guess it's good, so now I can have a voice to talk this morning. Bobby McGee would have been fun. But my favorite song I sang was "Bring it on home to me," a blues song (Sam Cooke). It was so fun to sing the blues with a band, after listening to it for so long. They were really good, much better musicians than I am at just singing random songs. But after I got comfortable it got more fun. Hah, what a night. Too bad I didn't get much homework done...

I've been listening to India Arie again and she's really encouraged me this morning. Two songs that have spoken to me. Both have to do with moving forward, spiritually and mentally.

"Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
it's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found"
~Strength Courage and Wisdom

And to compliment my urge to travel and keep moving:

"Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself

But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might

I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right"
~Beautiful

Yeah, a place where wrong becomes right. I'll probably have to die to find that one.

I'm working on my dramaturgy project and researching the Great Depression. You know how I say that Detroit is one bad decision after another? (Like getting rid of school buses, Cobo Hall along the River, Casinos...) Well, it's kind of encouraging to know that the idiots aren't just running the city, they're running the whole country. And they always have! The Great Depression is one bad decision after another. "What?" said the government, "five million people are unemployed? Let's make everything more expensive and raise taxes!"

Today is Valentines Day. To celebrate, I finished most of my work on the Arthur Miller Project, (which I did from the Tap Room at the Union) and went to see IN AMERICA at the State Theater. And holy moses, people. What a great movie. I highly recommend it. It was about Irish Immigrants, modern day immigrants in NYC. And it ruled.

I am starting to resent being in school. I have so little left, yet it seems like so much. I want to get out of Ann Arbor!!

One day, I'll miss this place.

There's this Wilco Lyric:

Jesus, don't cry. You can rely on me honey.

How I wish I could sing that.

I went to a reading tonight. It kind of disturbed me because it was a girl not much older than me, justifying her relationship with her best friend's married father. Ugh. The writing was good though. I was like "ooh, i can be a writer too!" like I always do when I see writers read, and then I was like "her dad is the head of the MFA dept at UM. He's published 12 books and probably knows everyone in the lit business." So I guess some people break into the business easier than others. Those people annoy me.

Hah, sorry about my last entry. Since when did I get so pathetic?

Oh when oh when oh when am i going to do all this homework??

Isn't there just one guy out there that cares about me enough to want to be a part of my life?

Okay, so I'm sitting in the big range and again, my thoughts are attacked with terrible memories and such, and right before I was about to cry, this song by Van Morrison started playing:

In the gentle evening breeze
By the whispering shady trees
I will find my santuary in the Lord.

And no matter where I roam
I will find my way back home
I will always return to the Lord.

And I think that's just it. He is where we find rest from the memories we don't want to have. And the threat of those memories "This could happen to you again..." is answered in the next stanza. "No matter where I roam I will find my way back home." If we desire God to hold onto us, and trust that He is, we will always find our way back home, no matter how far we wander off. With that in mind, I can be free from my past and the threat of it repeating itself in my future. Not bad, eh?

Madeleine L'Engle says that time disappears for an artist at work. Last night i sat down at the computer at 9pm and didn't budge until 2am. I didn't notice.

I really love getting the first draft out. It's such a freeing feeling shed off inhibitions and jump into the world of my characters, letting details drip off my fingers and into Microsoft Word. I get to experience the events with my narrator--surprised when she's surprised, sad when she's sad, and laugh when she laughs.

After the first draft I have to creep back on the outside. I have to be objective and tough, often heartless and mean, for revision. From here, writing is hard work.

I'm in such a bad mood. Only one man can save me.

James Brown

I don't care where I live next year, as long as I'm alone. I'm tired of cleaning up after other people, and if I lived with someone cleaner than me, I'd feel really bad if they cleaned up after me.

So... Chicago? Maybe I can find a one bedroom for 500 a month. I could budget that.

I just hope wherever I am, the place doesn't catch on fire. I'm too deaf to wake up to an alarm and I'd probably choke in the smoke. God I hate being deaf sometimes.

Complaining is a wonderful way to be immature and ungrateful.

I think I've come to the conclusion that doing the show I'm in has been, overall, a wonderful opportunity to serve Jesus. It's been an excersize in patience, encouragement, persistance, pure heartedness, forgiveness, peace, servitude, and love. What else could I ask for in my life experiences? It's nice to know that Aslan is on the move, in my life and perhaps in the lives around me.

"He will make good the right to be a pilgrim."

Spiritually, this has been a very productive semester so far. Academically...

"Done laid around can't stay here
This old town too long.
I believe I got to be travelling on."
~Eric Bibb

I don't know if those are the exact words, but that's what i had in my head when I woke up. Hah, I think my gut reaction to life right now is "Run Away!"

The show will be okay tonight. Actually, it could be very good. Hm.

7 o'clock, 1st Floot of the Freize Building (State Street side), Arena Theater.

"John listen fast, you did not get this call!
You're the one who bought the one for me, after all!
When you are a friend, you're a friend through and through!
When you are in trouble I will cover for you!"

~Miss Saigon

Good Lord And Butter.

We lost a great actress from the show tonight. The Basement Board decided it was to risky to put someone with shingles and an resperatory infection on stage. It was so tragic. I feel really bad for her, all that work she put in. The director is taking over. I'm sure she'll be fine, but I'm extremely sad. Damn it.

Well, I had more energy at rehearsal than I have all term. I was happy about that. It will be nice to have an audience to laugh at our jokes. The girl who plays the lead is hilarious, which is good. I've never been in a show that was so shaky two days before opening. But one of our tech people said she's seen worse, so that was encouraging. It will be nice to see how we pull our shit together.

Who reads this? hopefully no one offended by swearing.

Oh, and one more thought for the night. Erinn got her Miss Saigon cds from her back from her sister tonight. So now we're listening and belting along. And you know what? The lyrics are terrible. And we listened to this when we were 11 years old. I can't believe my parents let me. And broadway hit musicals are so obnoxiously pop-y. But holy moses, are they fun to sing along to.

I feel like Bob Fosse. My body is giving out and it's all because of show business! AH!

A girl in the cast has shingles. Is that how you spell the post-chicken pox disease? We're still trying to decide whether to do the show. :(

Also, of note, I can't write the story I was going to. A girl wrote one with the same theme, which was okay--I still coulda wrote mine because it was from another perspective, but then all of the suggestions she got, well, most of them, were to make it more like mine. So if i workshopped it, people would say "hey, she just took the ideas from Eva's story and made her own!" How annoying.

Maybe it's God saying that I need to NOT base the story on what I was going to base it on. Those of you that I've talked to about it, will probably nod in agreement. It was such a great theme though: I'm glad nothing ever happened between us, because then I would know that he wasn't perfect.
Heh. There was the theme. Now don't steal it!

"Good Lord and Butter"
~The Miss Firecracker Contest.

I'm going to get some rest now.

Oh, and just so you all know, I was told at rehearsal today that I'm a hot kisser. HAH, well, there's something good Christian girls are used to hearing.

Come to see the show if you want to see my hot kissing.
Thurs at 7, Fri 7&11, Sat 7 in the arena theater of the freize building.

I just came from rehearsal. It was a wild one. 6 hours long. And I have no food to eat! But it's okay, I will find something. Mmm, there ain't nothin' like a dinner of cheezits and nuts. Protein and... nothingness.

I'm pretty pleased with the work I did in rehearsal tonight. I got a harsh note from the director to begin the rehearsal that I have no energy at rehearsals. That scared me, because I used to be so full of energy. This semester is wearing me out. I feel like I have five jobs. A writer, an actress, a scholar, a theater student, and a sunday school teacher. But I know I'l get through it. I just have to remember being in High School, when I had 9 hours of school, dance classes, and then rehearsals. My days forced me to be out of the house from 7am to 11pm. I really think it's because of God that I could do it. I would give the day to him in the morning "I can't get through this! I'm tired and stressed." and at the end of the day I had accomplished all that worried me, and it all turned out better than I had planned it to. A good rehearsal, good scores on tests. I remember those days.

Imagine, not having other obligations than just doing a show. Kinda like my summer in Jackson doing Shakespeare. Gregory Hines (may he rest in peace) described his experience on Broadway in Jelly's Last Jam as hermitage... I don't have the choice to be a hermit during this show. I was a bit, in Jackson.

I wish I could be a REAL hermit right now... Have nothing to do but read books, make food, listen to music, and write stories. Being a hermit is impossible when you're in school.

"Love makes a change, I'm living the proof.
New water's in the well and I'm grateful for every drop."
~Erib Bibb.

Don't forget about grace.

Yesterday my American Drama professor mentioned that he once recieved a Christmas card that had Edvard Monk's "Scream" on the front and inside it said "Peace on Earth."

I wonder if Bono would think that was funny.

Did I waste it? Not so much I couldn't taste it.
Life should be fragrant, rooftop to the basement.
~U2

Lessons from one of the worst days of my life:

1) don't put the cigarettes in the shallow pocket of the coat, but if you hold the coat upside down, don't do that in dance class. you might lose the cigarettes, and dance class is the worst place to blow your cover as a smoker.
2) if you lose your temper, wait until Jesus has left the topic of discussion, even if you are right.
3) Don't tell Nora that Jesus was a good moral guy but not the Son of God if you don't want her to blow her steam, and don't tell her that right after the director of her play calls her and snaps at her and demands that she come to a rehearsal 2 hours earlier than scheduled. On the same note, don't ask questions about Jesus to someone, if you're director has just pissed you off.
4) When you're filming a sitcom that only has one joke, make sure to really punch that one joke, so help you Janet Maylie.
5) Smoking more than you eat is a fine way to kill yourself. Really think about how valuable your life is before you pick up that habit. It's one thing to smoke, another to make that 90% of the "nutrients" that enter your body.
6) Don't look to people learn about Jesus. Either pray to Him, or read the Bible. If you don't believe that the people who wrote the Bible are trustworthy, ask Jesus to show you Himself. Don't look to people to see Jesus. Especially me.
7) Learn your lines for the show that goes up a week from today, and learn them well, or you'll waste the rest of the cast's time and make them stay at rehearsal 15 mins longer than they planned, and you won't get through the run through of Act 2.
8) If U2's next album is as remotely spirtually nurishing as their last one, Nora will be spiritually well-fed.
9) Don't you ever let nobody drag your spirit down. Remember you walkin' up to heaven, don't let nobody turn you around.

"No. No self pity. I won't have it."
~The Miracle Worker.

I'm in this constant battle of just trying to be who I am, not push the parts of me aside that give me a hard time. But when I try to do that, and I have to face the parts of me that I loathe, it's very difficult not to run to those things that I use to just run over my problems. Oh, why can't I just let myself cry a good cry once in a while? Why do I fear being sad so much? Is it really that bad?
I wish I could convince myself that there is beauty in the valleys that I face. That sometimes it's good to be on a low. It's just that my highs are so high and my lows are so low. Sometimes I have a low and a high in the same day. Like today. And it's not even noon yet.
No, no self pity. I won't have it.

"Savior while my heart is tender I would yeild that heart to thee
All my powers to thee surrender, thine and only thine to be.
Take me now Lord Jesus, take me, let my heart be ever thine
Thy devoted servent make me, fill my soul with love divine.

Send me Lord where thou wilt send me, only do thou guide my way
May thy grace through life attend me, gladly then shall I obey.
Let me do thy will or bear it, I would know no will but thine
Shouldst thou take my life or spare it, I that life to thee resign.

May this solemn consecration never once forgotten be;
Let it know no revocation, registered, confirmed by thee.
Thine I am, Oh Lord, forever, to thy service set apart
Suffer me to leave thee never. Seal thine image on my heart."


I don't know why some things happen the way they do. But when I think about where I am, and where I was, I can see that my faith is stronger because of those things. Maybe it's because those things make me sing that song.

Today I went to a meeting about this workshop we're having in the theater dept. This agent is coming in and looking at monologues. "Treat it like the most important audition of your life" was the main message. But then a Professor got up and told us that "the actor's life is an audition." We have to treat our entire life like we're trying to impress people because it's who, not what you know.

Well ya know what? A believer's life is NEVER an audition.

"When you've got nothin', you've got nothin' to lose. You're invisible now, you have no secrets to conceal." (Bob Dylan)

Lately I've noticed that I've been bolder about my faith. A girl in the play's cast told me today "There are sometimes when I really think I want to believe in Jesus and salvation, but I think about it and I try real hard, but I can't." And I said to her "I know I can't believe in Jesus. I need Him to help me." And she said "Yeah, I guess God could probably help me out with that." Goodness.

And the other day I told another girl about how I came to know him in the first place, my senior year in high school. Funny, that I have all this faith all of the sudden. I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm dealing with rejection. And wouldn't that be just like God, and his law of resurrection in a dead world.

"You gotta lose. You gotta learn how to die, if you wanna wanna be alive" (Wilco)

Lately I've been having issues with loving and getting close to people. I want to sing "I am a rock, I am an island" and just kind of hide away in my room with my computer and write stories about New Orleans. "I have my books, and my poetry to protect me".

But something I've come to terms with is that Jesus took a big risk in order for me to know that He loves me. He died for me. Honestly, that's just too profound for me to really grasp, but I'm starting to see it. Loving people takes risk--it means you are vulnerable and the more you love someone the more it hurts when they reject you. But if you think about it, Jesus loves us more than we could ever fathom, and we reject him all the time. He knows what it is to suffer for love. The reason he had to be crucified was because we rejected him. But he still went through with it, and we still sin against him and reject him. These are some of the things that Christians have to be reminded of again and again.

I'm tired of trying to protect myself from Love. I think that if you hurt because you love someone, you know what it's like to be Jesus, a bit. And what else is there to want?

When life throws you a lemon, make lemonade.

I need to learn how to think positively. I never really learned that before. To push away dispairing thoughts and force myself to look at the brightside. To be thankful.

Sometimes we reach a point in our lives where it's real easy to slip into self pity, to say "I'm lonely and always will be;" to say "nothing ever goes right for me, and it probably never will go right. I'm a magnet of bad circumstances." But I'm trying to remember that, one, those are lies, and two, those thoughts are a waste of time. Worrying, regret, and self-pity are such wastes of time. And they are damaging.

Yes, I'm following Jesus, even though the track record for circumstances is pretty low in some areas of my life. But I tell myself, "Yep. It would be nice if Jesus said that following him meant good times from here on out. But he didn't say that." No, He didn't say that. He said something far more puzzling. "You will have hard times. And you will be blessed when you do." Blessed? Come on, Jesus. How is feeling terrible a blessing?

I've come to realize today that disappointment in people and in myself is a blessing. Because it reminds me that where my treasure is, my heart will be also. And if I make things that aren't Jesus my treasure, I will be disappointed. But if I love God first, I won't be disappointed. And what better way to see that than to lose something and feel that only God remains. He's the one that makes me get up in the morning now. Because there isn't anything else. And that is a blessing to know, that when there is nothing else. There is God.

Oh, and kind of on those lines, my aunt Donna talked of someone who believes that you live on until the last person who remembers you, dies. That's not an original thought, but it discouraged her. And then she remembered that Jesus remembers her, and will never die. Because he will never die, she will live forever. Not bad, eh?

I want to go back to N'awlins! (I went down there last weekend if you didn't know.) I'm turning into a snow-hater, which is sad because usually I love snow.
But it would have been nice if the only snow we got were those 2 days around Christmas.

When we (my family) were down there, we went and saw this Cajun band called the Hackleberry Ramblers. They wore red suspenders and cowboy hats, and they were all in their nineties. One by one, they had to sit down as they played. My (Aunt?) Faith came up to my dad during part of that and told him she thought that the accordian player was "Drop dead gorgeous." I said it was the best I'd heard them play in 70 years. During every song, my uncle Paul said that "this might be their last one... ever." On our way down the street, away from Tipitina's Bar where we saw them play, we spotted an ambulance coming toward us. "Uh oh," said my Aunt Kathy. Isn't my family nice?

If you ever go to to New Orleans, make sure you go get a beignet at the Cafe Du Monde. And eat it slow. And eat gumbo. And visit a graveyard.

Here's a quote from song by Bruce Cockburn that's been meaning alot to me this week.

"Bloody nose and burning eyes
Raised in laughter to the skies
I've been in trouble but I'm ok.
Been through the wringer but I'm ok.
Walls are falling but I'm ok.
Under the Mercy and I'm ok."
~Fascist Architecture

Okay, so the AC adapter on my laptop has split, and I can 't plug the computer in. I had to call Dell and order a new one. It cost me $70. Looks like I'll be putting in extra hours at the bug range. I won't have a computer for a week.

"Slow down, you move to fast. Try to make the moment last."
Simon and Garfunkel.

Okay, so I walked to class this morning and my hair froze, but while I was taking the 20 min hike to dance class I did some thinking. I've found myself worried lately about things I can't help, like my future, and I kind of settled into these "whoa nora, one day at a time" type thoughts. It was comforting, kind of like a call to slow down and just take each moment as it is, without thinking too much about the sidelines. Does that make sense? I just suddenly had this desire to be more present, where I was, rather than off in my other world that I spend most of my time in--my world of pondering. I think these thoughts were influenced by Amelie, which I watched the other night. Living like that, literally in each moment, would be impossible I think (esp. when I'm bored. I'm thankful for my imagination then, and right before I go to sleep I like to wake-dream), but I think it would be a good thing to be a little more aware of what's going around me, rather that viewing every noise and sight as an interruption to what's going on in my head. Because how am I going to be a writer if I never notice anything?

The next thought I had was to be more honest, and I think an attempt to take every moment as it comes would help. Not necessarily more honest with other people, because I don't consider myself to be a phoney person, but kind of like, more honest with myself. Maybe more honest with God. I think I've come along way in this area, but I suppose there is always room for improvement. But here's the thought that occured to me. "Be more honest, and talk less." Hah. Not a bad one though. There are times I feel like I talk so much, I'm not at all aware of the world outside my head. I want to improve that.

Heh, so with all this "thinking" what did I notice around me? Not much. I noticed that I was cold, my hair was frozen, and I was kind of happy to be going to a dance class and thinking on the terms of being healthy again.

Okay, now I have to go to class. I have Acting for the Camera (...) and Acting with Phillip Kerr (...). Yay for Theater. Then I have American Drama. Yay for more theater. Yeah.

Sad, sad, sad, sad--why must I be sad?
Rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad?
~They Might Be Giants

I think that song is about Alice in Chains or something, but it's always been a favorite of mine because I'm often sad for no good reason. Another great one that helps is "Think About Your Troubles," where Harry Nilsson makes an argument that thinking about all that is bad in your life is a waste of time.

On the way to seeing Cold Mountain with my mom, I described to her my favorite part of the Return of the King, when Gandalf greets the waking Frodo at the end of their journey, stands in front of him, and laughs. Frodo was given a task--destroy the ring. But there were enemies that didn't want that to happen that gave him a hard time. By the end of the journey, Frodo barely accomplishes this task before he succombs to the other side. In fact, he doesn't actually do the job. Standing in front of the lava, he sees that he's not strong enough, and it takes Gollum to destroy it for him, after all. So, he doesn't really finish out what he was sent to accomplish, but the job gets done despite of his weakness. In that moment when he wakes up and Gandalf is staring at him, there's this moment of fear;"Shit, he knows that I did a crappy job." Gandalf's stern face melts into a joyous visual aid to his bellowing laugh. Frodo joins in, and then the door opens and the Fellowship tumbles inside. They all laugh, embracing; "we made it" is the subtext. Seeing that the first time, I bawled my eyes out because I felt like I was seeing a picture of myself in a few years.
I was given a task. "Follow Jesus." And, like Frodo, today all I can see is what a crappy job I'm doing at it. All the messes I've made that God has cleaned up for me. There's no way I can be a light. But maybe Jesus sees me the way Gandalf saw Frodo. "You made it. You did it. You might not have done it exactly right, but the job is done and now you are here." One day I'm going to die and I'll see Jesus because(I believe)everyone will. I just imagine that he will appear before me, like Gandalf saw Frodo, and he'll be the first thing I see when i open my eyes. And Jesus will crack up. And I will crack up too. And we'll just laugh, because, yeah, I did a pretty crappy job, but who the hell cares? I've made it and all that doesn't matter. And then my fellowship will come tumbling in behind Jesus and we'll all embrace, knowing that we made it. Goodness, that is a nice thought, isn't it? Today would be a nice day to hear "Well done, faithful servent." Because today, I feel like I'm hoping for too much, if I hope I'll hear that. Sigh.

So, we got to the movie 20 mins early. Lord of the Rings played next door to Cold Mountain. I told my mom we could go watch 20 mins of Lord of the Rings. Heh. So we went in and there was Frodo, getting his finger bit off. We watched until the Fellowship came tumbling in. God must have known that I needed to see that again. I love it when that shit happens. It makes my Lord that I'm following a bit more tangible in a world where I can't see him. And Lord knows I need that time to time.

I guess my point in bringing up the quotes is that if you're looking at Jesus, you're automatically going to see what a crappy job you're doing, or how awful the world is. Because he makes it all look bad. But there's no use focusing on all that which "drags our spirit down" (right, Mr. Bibb?). There's alot of trouble and sadness in my mind today. But I gotta keep on walking and just deal with it. Because I think God sees past my trouble. Maybe he'll teach me how to just laugh it off.

It's New Year's Eve!

Here's some thoughts about the past year.
I started the year off with Richard III. I don't even remember my character's name; I had three lines and spent most of the process writing poetry backstage. Then I did "Under Milkwood." I played a cranky middle aged woman and a girl who lay in fields and traced lipstick around her breasts. Hah! Then I did the Fantasticks, my mother's favorite musical. For that I had to quit smoking and retrain my voice to hit notes I hope and pray I'll never have to think about hitting again. Following that (or maybe during it?) I wrote a story that simultaneously covered my grandmothers and my dating adventures. Yippee. I found it to be extremely self-indulgent and vowed never to deliberately write a story about my life again.

I ran into some financial trouble and prayed to God "I need money." The same week I was offered 17$ an hour to talk to Korean kids in English. That job lasted until about October. I still keep in touch with the Kim family though. I am blessed to have them in my life.

Then Jenni left for Thailand. I dealt with it by listening to Stevie Wonder's "Place in the Sun," which reminded me that I will have to move on from that phase in my life, but comforted me to, knowing that Jenni and I are running towards the same goal, and that our friendship is eternal. And then I moved out of my apt on Maiden Lane. That hurt. I was attached to that place, and I still miss Ian Trevethan throwing wood chips at the window to be let in. But I signed the lease for the new "Upper Room" that I reside in with Erinn and Elma and am quite pleased with it.

Then there was a roadtrip. Roadtrip? you ask. What Roadtrip? Heh, yeah right. I'm sure you have already heard about it so there's no need to recap (and somewhere in the past entries of this online journal I wrote a pretty amusing list of things I learned from the roadtrip.) But looking at it from this point in time, I see that the trip was probably the biggest trial to my faith I ever faced, but the fact that I still believe shows me that there is a God after all, and it's He's not a mere concoction I have developed to deal with my problems (not a crutch, as I've been accused of this past year by a fine gentleman who obviously cared about me lots.) Oh, but I read Travels with Charley on my roadtrip, and that book made me decide that Steinbeck is my favorite author and that we have a lot in common because we're both messed up, and that I aspire to be him.

Then I went to the campout, which forced me to face some tough stuff in the Fellowship, but it also helped me to rebuild my faith. Then I came home and began to teach the Sermon on the Mount every other week for the teens at NWF Sunday School. I had to do it alone, which was hard at first, but God has really blessed me with that.

For school I took another fiction class and gained some great friends in there. I also stuck with the anti-self-in-the-story pact, and wrote female protagonists who were all 5'11. Oh, and I managed to somehow use three formes ofthe name Ed for characters in a story I wrote about grasshoppers, which still amazes me. I think the writing has improved. I also took a class about the theater business which was pretty unbearable, but I got through.

And then there was Clown Class. In hell, there are lots of clowns. Lots and lots of clowns, and lots of demons telling you that you are a bad clown. And at the far end of hell, an angel comes down and throws whipped cream in your face and lets you watch "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" before allowing you another chance at the world above. There you go, that was the best description of my experience in Clown Class I could come up with.

And then there was playwriting. I'm not comfortable enough with that experience to remember it at this point in time, but I'll just say that I felt like it was a lot of work for nothing, and perhaps if I didn't take Playwriting I could have written better stories in my fiction class, but hey, I'm hard on myself.

Ah, and then, also this year, I entered the wonderful world of databasing grasshoppers and met plenty of entomologists and peeked into the Oh My! drawer to see that there are, indeed, huge-ass insects in this world, but they are mostly from Brazil. So, also, I could name 2003 as the year I decided not to go to Brazil.

I also met Jay and Scott from the Psalters who may be a part of my future year(s?). They offered me an opportunity to be a part of their musical group which sounds more exciting than anything I could have imagined.

So, that's where I'm at now! Overall, God has been pretty damn good to me through it all.

This is in response to Eric's comment to my last entry, that I may need a little more than God.

I thought about that for a minute. "A little more than God." Why did that strike me as so strange? How do I see
God? As the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the last. Huge, mysterious, encompassing everything. A God who goes everywhere with me, who never leaves me, no matter how hysterical I get in my emotions. Who walks with me when I'm in a slump and somehow sustains me to keep going. He promises I'll find Him if I'm looking for Him. He finds me when I'm not looking for him (like a coin, or a sheep, eh Uncle Paul?)... But, more than anything I know about him, I know he meets my needs. And he does that with people, I think, more than anything else. Yes, I admit, the tears of the other night were selfish, considering the amount of pity involved. I think my point was, bringing up Harry Martin, that people and God are very connected. Well, some people and God. Some, like Harry, who make statements like "I'm happy to be 75 and still have a future to look forward to," can sense what I need to hear and say it to me. The "Man." at the end of the last entry was in response to the way my needs were met, with a person, after lamenting that I was too burdensome for people.

I can look back at my life and see that people come and go quite frequently during the course of it. If I look at that from the surface, it looks like I am simply bad at keeping friends close for more than three years at a time. If I look closer, I can see that each person had a purpose. I like to believe that each person was placed there, by God, to meet the needs of that time. My friend Jenni, now in Thailand, is a great example of that. During the three years that she was around me, God used her tons of times to point me back in the right direction. If I look at my life surrounding my time with Jenni, I can see that I wouldn't have survived without her. When she left, I cried knowing that my time with her would never be the same (I knew that when she returned that she would probably be damn near having a new last name), and that was hard. But in time I had peace about it. "You needed her right next to you during that time," my Reason told me. And He was right.

I'm reading a book by Dietrich Bonhoeffer now where the verse from Proverbs, "The spirit of man is the lamp of the Lord," came up. I think it was put there just for me at this time. I see that I do isolate myself, to an extent, but I can never isolate myself from God as long as His spirit is with me. But if I open myself up to people, I am allowing myself to see God clearer. Because of what Harry said the other day, it was clear that God uses us to be lights (He tells us He does, anyway. "You are the light of the world. Not, if you want, you can try to be the light of the world, but as matter-of-factly, "You are the light of the world.") Isolating myself from people, yes, is a sick form of hiding from God's light.

To wrap this up, I'll mention that there is really no such thing as "a little more than God." I think, what Eric meant, though perhaps he'll disagree, is "I think you need a little more OF God." The God that manifests himself in the people around me, to meet my stabilizing needs. Anyway, Eric, thanks for responding, because you're right, I have plenty of people around me that help meet my needs. It's foolish of me to try to love them and to isolate myself at the same time.

Last night was pretty rough. I didn't sleep very much and I woke up crying twice. It reminded me of some of the
nights of the roadtrip when I did that. I'm trying to quit smoking, and usually I could just go out and have a cigarette but I couldn't this time. It was miserable. I started to get upset because my thoughts told me that I was impossible to live with, with my condition of emotional instability. But I hated being alone. So it was like I couldn't live with or without other people. And then I thought it would be better to live alone, so only I would have to deal with my misery. Ugh.

I woke up this morning and went to church. Once again, Harry reminded me, through his teaching, that God is with me. But after the meeting, as I passed him he said "Thank you for being on this earth." I told him, "It wasn't my choice." And he said "the world is so much richer because you're here."

Man.

My parents got rid of the piano. I can't say that without letting tears glaze my eyes. I suppose it is just a piece of furniture. No. It's more than that. I would walk into the living room and feel my heart jump at the thought of pulling out the bench and lifting the pale wooden cover. My heart always did that, whether I played or not. I expressed myself on that piano long before i could plunk at the keys of my laptop. My fingers would spread over that ivory, they just fall into place. I barely used music. I just used what was in my head. Lately it was Musetta's Waltz, or Nessun Dorma.
I played it one last time before they took it away. Maybe I should have played it more before that. I sat in front of those keys and I was four years old again, playing what was in my head. I imagined, as I played, my parents surrounding me with tears in their eyes. My father places his hand on my shoulder and tries to understand what it means that they're giving it away. He changes his mind, apologizes, and I continue to play. They gave it away and no one understands what it meant for them to do that.
I have a guitar now, but I didn't have a guitar when I was four. I didn't figure out the Japanese theme from my Raffi tape on the guitar. Or the theme to Edward Scissorhands when i was seven. I can't sit at the guitar and touch my youth. "We'll buy you a keyboard," I've had repeated to me. A keyboard isn't the same. Any Other Piano Isn't The Same.
How long can one go on, lamenting over am instrument?

"Life without God is a long lonely road.
He's the reason to go on..."

We had this huge Christmas concert at NWF yesterday. It was combined with the Christian Fellowship Church--a group that we've befriended over the years and have been doing stuff with. It's a lot of fun for me because it's a black gospel church. They are surprisingly similar to us though. I think they have multiple pastors or elders, and they are pretty informal. It was a long concert, but it was great. My Uncle Paul, Aunt Donna, Chris Martin, and Frank Oakley sang a few songs. The quote up there is from the one that's been in my head.

Harry Martin taught a great message. He compared how the world recieves Jesus at Christmas time to the way a young toddler recieves a Christmas gift--he spends more time on the wrapping than the actual present. That's the way the world is at this time, with Christmas. "Too involved in the wrapping--" i.e., the shopping and the lights, or maybe even the giving itself, "to recognize the gift." I thought that was a great analogy.

It was good to be reminded that through Jesus being born into this world, and therefore taking on our "human condition," that He did his work ifor us. "Glory came down from Heaven," they sang. Sometimes that gets covered up in all the fake snow around here. "God is with us now," Harry explained. And He is. Oh, and before Harry said any of this he sung this hymn called "One Day" or something like that, which was really touching. He just sang it there, acapella, his voice vibrating off the YMCA walls. I wish I could remember exactly which song it was...

i'm feeling the aftershock of cutting off my right hand.

okay, so i've kind of given up theater. no, i've really given up theater--at least for now. my plans for next year are that i'm going to be a fulltime travelling musician. i haven't really grieved over losing theater until today, when i had to write the BFA dept head, john neville andrews, and email requesting 2 studio credits that i haven't gotten yet, because i haven't been cast in a university production since my sophomore year. and then it hit me. i haven't been cast since sophomore year. i've never cried about it, because i've never thought about it. i'm not crying about it now, it just sits heavy, making my stomach hurt. my mom worries that i'm giving up to easily, that i should finish out the theater thing. that's not where my heart is, because the theatre business is not what i want to be a part of. that's not how i want to serve Jesus, because usually when i gain theatrical success, I just end up serving myself and forget all about Him. Travelling with the Psalters seems right, because I will have to think of Him all the time, sing to Him all the time, and have fellowship. Yes, it just makes more sense to me, my heart jumps at the thought. But nonetheless, I am cutting of my right hand. and it hurts.

Every Sunday Chuck W asks if I'm still singing. Yes, Chuck, I'm still singing.

Here's a good old U2 quote:

Jesus never let me down
You know Jesus used to show me the score
Then they put Jesus in show business
Now it's hard to get in the door.

Think about that...

It's 3am where Jenni is now, and 70 degrees. "Tomorrow" it's going to be 90. Argh.

I'm in the middle of databasing grasshoppers, and I need to look at something else! I'm also listening to En Vogue... haha. It's Erinn's. I've been borrowing her stuff alot lately. I hope she's not ticked.

Well, the semester is almost over. I just have a clown performance to do. I am expecting a B in Clown... a B would satisfy me greatly.

Okay, so last night was the BFA Holiday Harry/Agnostic Al party (as opposed to Secret Santa...) for my theatre class. Can you believe I've had the same people in my classes since freshman year? Now here are 11 of us. We started with 14, I think. Lots have dropped or transferred. Katie Thomas made the "originals" a cd with songs to represent each of us. The song she chose for me was Lauryn Hill's
"Every Ghetto, Every City." I guess to go with my obsession for my hometown. Anyway, listening to it today, I think it's a wonderful song to be remembered by. Here's the chorus:

"Every Ghetto, Every City, Every suburban place I've been
Makes me recall my days in the New Jerusalem.
You know it's hard, don't forget what you got
Lookin' Back."

Not bad, eh? I think that Lauryn was referring to her home as the New Jerusalem, which is weird as hell, I'll admit, but I take it literally. Everywhere I go reminds me
of the days to come in the New Jerusalem. And I've definitely seen some things about Detroit (as lost as the place is--the internet news calls it the most dangerous city to live in! Way to go, Detroit!) that point me in the direction of Jesus. Yay for Jesus. Heh.

Okay, I'm back to work.

I haven't updated in a while! And I should, because my life is a lot better lately than it has been in a long time.

I have confirmed for myself, again, that I want to be a writer now. This has been very freeing for me. It's hard to
get motivated for those theater classes though, but that's okay. I decided, or I probably didn't decide this, but
that to an artist, there is no such thing as wasted time. We use everything. Esp. a writing artist.

My play is shaping up. I turned in the first draft today. Next week I'll get feedback. I had a bunch of people over this weekend to help me read through it. I hope everyone who came had as good of a time as I did. But I was encouraged because, though there were some errors, and the play would be impossible to actually put on, I wrote a play. And it wasn't the worst thing I've written. (What is the worst thing I've written? Any feedback? Perhaps my first poem for 223, though none of you can verify that, because I'll never show it to you... and don't you DARE say it was that letter I was going to send to Ford asking for a free car for our roadtrip, because I still have a copy of that and hold it dear.)

MELANOPLUS REX--let's just say that the class hated the ending. Not one person, not one! thought it was as funny as I did. Everyone seemed to like it, but no one liked the fact that I did the protagonist in at the end. Here's my favorite comment. "Good Story. Bad Ending. For your next draft, new ending." HA! No one seemed to catch that it was over dramatic (Though, Lisa DID make me take out the part where Edna looks at the sky and screams "NO!" before burrowing her head into the dying entomologist's chest). So, to the delight of all who have suffered through the terrible loss of Ned Kahn (as opposed to Ted Cohn), the endearing 5'4" redhead grasshopper king, i believe that for the next draft he'll survive. I won't think it's as funny, but frankly, I don't think I'll get an A on the story if I kill the guy. Simple as that.

Oh, Sunday I went with Jason Beck (of Madison Greene fame) and Niki P. ( of being engaged to one of my best friends-fame.) to see this incredible Brazilian percussion/tapdancing/swordfighting/rock and roll band at the Blind Pig. And I don't even remember their name! But they were fantastic.

Finally, I have lost a lot of the loneliness I've felt all semester. I ran into Diane Martin at NWF on Sunday, and she asked how I was, and I could honestly say I was doing extremely well, and that there was nothing wrong with my life at the moment. I was happy to say that. Very happy indeed. Now I'm just wondering how long this euphoria will last (I study the sky for approaching clouds and lightening bolts) because as much as I want to be a Shiny Happy Person holding hands, the truth is that I'm pretty pessimistic and gloomy. But oh well. Life is nice at the moment. I don't know how long for, but I guess I do know that eventually it will be forever, so I'm not sweating it.

Okay kids, better start warming up for that audition. An audition where I will approach saying "Hello, I want to be your dramaturg" so I can learn all about Arthur Miller and do research, because I'm a nut! I love research. The more I know the more I can write. And Miller and I go back. Way back to our writing prizes. Yeah.

Ciao for now.

Good day today.

I took a test for my Shakespeare course. It was long. 4 essay questions in a blue book-- my hand was killing me. And I am really opinionated. That's what I discovered. I didn't like the western Taming of the Shrew. I liked the idea but didn't think it was executed (canadians trying to do western... i'm a pompous jerk, I know)... anyway, it's weird to think I'm so opinionated.

I should be writing my play. I can't wait until a day when I only have one writing project at a time. At this moment I have 3 stories running through my head and a play.
It's hard because I want to just throw myself completely into one and ignore the others. Right now I want to write a story, not a play, because I just finished a play.
Switching gears is not impossible, but not easy.

I just got back from Bethany's dorm. We watched When Harry Met Sally. Not a good one for someone who's single and lonely like me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm lonely because I'm an artist. I have a feeling I'll always be lonely, even when there's people around me all the time. I'll probably be married and still lonely, somehow. And that's going to drive my husband up the wall. Or do you think the loneliness is a result of being a believer in this world? Or is this time a time of loneliness, a time when Jesus is making me be a shepherd in a field. Moses, David, they were shepherds. Jesus was, and I bet he was lonely.

I'm pathetic.

I saw BONHOEFFER last night. Whoa guys, if you get a chance to, see it. I forgot that he was in a conspiracy to kill Hitler. Would you kill Hitler? I think I would... which is a strange thought. Good movie though. Wondering what to get me for Christmas? DISCIPLESHIP by him would be nice. :)

Okay, I'm off.

Any ideas for a new story? I'm still thinking aboout writing one called MELANOPLUS REX: An Entomologist's love story.
Melanoplei are grasshoppers.

Night

Here I am, finally. I'm responding to Christy's request (demand) that I update.
I'm about to take my munch break at the museum where I still spend hours entering grasshoppers into a database.

Nothing is new. I have some kind of cold on top of senioritis. So I cough with no initiative. I'm not acting outside of classes. I am not acting much in classes, except for my clown class which is hard, despite the fact that you laughed when you saw that I have a clown class. I am writing alot in writing classes. I am writing a play about how the interpretation of the Diego Rivera Murals at the DIA changes with the way Detroit's history changes. I'm also writing short stories. I need a topic for my next one.

I need to get out of here. I need to go on the road or something. I think Ann Arbor has had enough of me, or I've had enough of Ann Arbor. I'm kind of lonely lately.

Jenni Goad is engaged to Niki. That's pretty exciting news. She's in town from Thailand, but I haven't seen much of her. I've been hanging out with here sister
Bethany alot though. She's a great gal.

Okay, time for lunch.

I just bought a WILCO cd (that's a band). They sing a song and this is the chorus that's been running through my head:

you have to lose
you have to lose
you have to learn how to die
if you wanna wanna be alive

pretty cool stuff...

I think that ressurection stuff is starting to play a part in my life. My clown class is killing me in a way, but hey, eventually I'll be dead and perhaps ressurected in that area. Hm.

I'M BACK. I've been around the country. Talk to me if you want the real details or to see pictures of my trip, but here's some american observations from my 2 months on the road.

1) Never drive in LA. Especially on the corner of Kester and Ventura.
2) Most people have morals but are willing to sell them at cash value.
3) Being a christian is only really radical in Ann Arbor. Not so much in Tennessee.
4) Oklahomites are confused about camping.
5) No self serve in Oregon
6) The biggest truck stop in the world is in Iowa.
7) White people are called Anglos in New Mexico.
8) Half of our country is in major drought and is on fire.
9) You can drive 75 on Montana's backroads.
10) The biggest cross in the world is in Texas. It's a spiritual experience
11) Stand up comedy is extremely difficult.
12) Jesus was HUGE and blonde.
13) You are fat if you live in Los Angelos.
14) Alex King was in the synagogue talking to the boy Jesus.
15) Dr. Seuss' trees can be found between Las Vegas and Los Angeles.
16) Utah has a super market called "Honey's Jubilee"
17) Your Pavillion card will work at Vons.
18) There are giant slugs in the redwood forest. GIANT slugs.
19) You only need to take about 3 pictures of the grand canyon.
20) We get our eyes and ideas of courtship from giant scorpions.
21) You can check your email for free in libraries
22) Yellowstone is mostly burnt.
23) If you go on a roadtrip, bring along the Hobbit.
That's all for now.

Today I thought about a few things regarding time. My time belongs to God. That is an incredibly freeing thought to me. Because my time on earth belongs to me, I can be assured that things will happen at the right time. That goes for people too. It occured to me that people come and go out of my life quite frequently. This unsettles me at times, but ultimately I know who is in charge of my time, and I know that who I have right now, this very moment, are who He has surrounded me with. It's a simple thought, I guess, but it helps do away with thoughts of "I wish I never met that person" or "I wish that person would give me a call now and then to show that I mean something to them." These people aren't making the life altering decisions for me. Jesus, my life source, does that.

Any ideas on what Lisa and I can teach the teens on Sunday?

Today I got in a car accident. Those who know me well know what a travesty that is for me. I totaled my car a year ago (Fall 2001), and it took me a long time to get behind the wheel again. I was so terrified today. I thought for a moment that I would never drive again. It was a left turn, just like the last time I crashed the car. I was ready to just run away and move to a city with good public transportation, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I know it sounds over dramatic, but it was how I felt. My friend Kirsten was with me. Right after I had a hysterical crying fit she took me to the Traffic Jam restaurant (hah, of all titles of places to go) and bought me ice cream for lunch. Boy did that help. Then I just carried on with my life--I went to the DIA like I wanted to, and then went home and told my father. I was so terrified that he would tell me he didn't want me to take my road trip. But He didn't. He was very understanding and told me not to worry about it.
Today I started reading this book that James Cargill gave me that breaks down Buddhism. I read it so that I could kind of understand what my friend Jenni in Thailand is facing there. So after today's accident and reading that book, I truly appreciate Bono's (from U2) words: Grace, she travels outside Kharma. She really does my friends. She really does. But I learned today, again, that I am a human who makes stupid mistakes (and repeats them at that), but even so I have to keep going. I can't look back, I have to just go on with what I've been given, which is definitely grace. My father on earth showed me grace. My father in heaven showed me grace. He has truly strengthened me today.
Satan sure knows how to trip me up. I don't think he sent the car accident--that was just the world and me making stupid decisions at the left turn light. What he did was try to take my mistake and use it to destruct what God is doing in my life. But he didn't win today. He will never win.

I'm taken care of. Thank God for GRACE.

WHAT I HAVE BEEN UP TO:

After reading Lisa and Christy's blogs, I decided to make mine a bit more like some of theirs today--more journal like, if you will. I think it's time for a general update. I've been doing my 9-5 with the Grasshoppers. The big difference between this week and last week is that now I have co-workers. The first is a girl from Nova Scotia who did grad work in the school of natural resources. There is one more grad student, a guy, but I haven't really met him yet... The third is an undergrad bio/tuba major, also a guy. I like having co-workers. It makes the day less lonely, and I'm not imprisoned to my thoughts for so long. That was last week. I felt imprisoned to think deeply as I did the mindless work of organizing grasshoppers into alphabetical order according to species group and sub-species. Now my job is taking the grasshoppers, one by one, and entering them into a massive data base. Let me give you a little insight to how many grasshoppers this actually is. Each drawer has about 250-300. There are about 15 drawers per cabinet. There are 12 cabinets. In three days we entered 1000 grasshoppers in the database. So you see, it's very slow, and there's sooo much to do. I'll be doing it for the rest of May, and my co-workers will continue well after I'm gone. And we're just doing one of the many families of grasshoppers in the range (A range is a room full of collections). This week went by much slower than last week. Maybe it will speed up when I get more accustomed to it.

In my spare time (evenings) I've been doing research for the play I'm writing. I'm writing on my favorite subject: Detroit. Surprised? It's May now, so I'm starting the writing... It's based on an experience Lisa and I had in the DIA with James McNaughton and his girlfriend (JM is a teacher I had my freshman year. He started me on writing...) So I've been reading up on the Rivera Court Murals, and Henry Ford. The research is being morphed, now directed toward the auto-workers. I am not sure if my play is one of my many over-ambitions... Since I've started writing, I think my schedule is going to turn into this: Work from 9-5, get home at 5:30 eat dinner and then take a nap until 9 or 10 and Write the evening away... I don't think I can write before 10. Sound Crazy? I'm just trying it out, because I want to be a writer, and that means I'll be working 9-5's for a while. I'll keep my weekends free for socializing. We'll see how this routine goes. I had a 2 hour nap today.

Maybe one day I'll be paid to write! Oh Glory. Who knows...

Okay, I'ma get to it. Janet Bham will be calling any second...

Man. Maybe it was the insects, but I'm feeling pretty down. My faith is kind of weak at the moment. I need a good word. Maybe just a good friend. I know we need troughs in our lives, but it stinks when we actually are in them.

Like an old dusty road
I get weary from the load
Movin' on, movin' on
Like this tired troubled earth
I've been rollin' since my birth
Movin' on, movin' on
There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
And before my life is done
Got to find me a place in the sun
~Stevie Wonder PLACE IN THE SUN

Today as I was sorting bugs (That's my new job!) I heard this song, I mean really heard it, for the first time. It really hit me at the right time. That's how my life feels... "movin' on movin' on." CS Lewis said feelings come and go. I'm read for this general feeling of weight to flee. Before my life is done, hopefully... I know it will.

God answers every prayer.

Is that true?

According to Corrie Ten Boom it is. At the age of 75, she told listeners over european radio that God was still answering prayers that she prayed when she was 5 years old! If I could just believe that, I would have such stronger faith. We think that if our prayers aren't answered the day we prayed them, they are in vain... Oh, if I only knew for sure that God will answer those prayers I prayed for specific people to know Him. I could rest so much easier. If only...

Oh Lady Luck has led you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up, I fear

And then you're someone you are not
Ann Arbor City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around

And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

That's from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It's supposed to be junction city, kansas but i changed it to suit my "wicked little town." I love the idea of the world's people twisting me to be something I'm not. That's what Satan tries to do, he tries to rip us from our true identity has children of God. Remember Mrs. Lot? She was destroyed when she looked at her wicked little town burning. We are also destroyed when we look back at our world, when we hold onto it like that. But when the world fails us we look to Him. We listen to His voice, and Follow Him through the dark turns and noise of this world.

He replaces the "noise" with music. That's an idea from a Screwtape letter. Music is noise with order to it. Noise becoming music is a good metaphor to our switch from this world to God's kingdom in heaven... What do you think?

Little Darling it seems the ice is slowly melting
Little Darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
There goes the sun
Here comes the sun
And I'd say, it's all right.
~The Beatles

I listened to that song a couple of times today... I just wish it would ring true.
Well, my show is over. I'm having the post-play hangover.
Winter is supposed to be over. Where is the sun?

I added to my web page!!

www.geocities.com/njlimabean

two new entries: 20, 21.
Check it out please!

"Every secret prayer
Every Fancy Free
Every thing I dared for both you and me
All my wildest dreams multiplied by two
They were you"
~FANTASTICKS
They were Jesus. They were Jesus. They were Jesus!

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the world falls down
~David Bowie, Labyrinth

I have been hearing God sing that to me lately... He'll give me riches beyond my wildest dreams. He'll be there for me as the world falls down.

Will you think of times you told me you knew the reason
why we had to each be lonely?
Was it just the season?
~Norah Jones, Shoot the Moon

Have you guys heard that song? There's something really interesting about it. She seems to know her present condition is some sort of phase, but she seems to have a little angst about it, as if to ask, "why do we have to have phases anyway?"

To counter that is a lyric from Into the Woods that always runs in my head:
"Oh if life were only moments, even now and then a bad one,
but if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."

Time in this world is funny like that--sometimes I feel like I'm just trudging along, waiting for the next phase or moment. I'm feeling that today. Maybe some day we will see our lives as that gloomy prequel to our lives of joyful eternity. The Shadowlands, as CS Lewis likes to think of it. Wouldn't that be nice?

How is it so cold? It's supposed to be spring...

"Jesus don't mind the blues. You know, he turned water into wine, not wine into water!"
Wendell Holmes of "The Holmes Brothers"

I saw The Holmes Brothers last Thursday, and being the bold person I am, took the liberty of walking backstage and meeting them after the show, to let them know how much they have inspired me to follow Jesus. "You know my Jesus?" the lead singer, Wendell asked me in his wonderful grumble voice.
"Yeah, I know Jesus very well," I told him.
"You're a student here?"
"Sure am"
"In Ann Arbor?"
"Yes. UofM Ann Arbor"
"Hey, she knows Jesus, in Ann Arbor" Wendell tells one of the other guys in the group.
"I didn't know Jesus was in Ann Arbor!" retorted that guy, Popsy Dixon.

Yes. Jesus is in Ann Arbor too, complete with Harry Martin quotes. www.geocities.com/njlimabean. I am basking over with joy to know that the Holmes Brothers are My brothers. Go out and get one of their albums if you want to own the best gospel blues in the world.