When I turn on my phone the message "here we go again" comes up. I wrote that, of course. What does it tell you? That my life has been mundane, I guess.
Life hasn't really been mundane. My tendency towards depression has kept things interesting. Earlier last week, I was faced with the choice this week to either cut off my relationship with Nate or to work things out. We opted to work things out. I had outside help in coming to this conclusion on my end. I was so exhausted emotionally that I just wanted to call it quits, and then move up north to a cave somewhere, learn how to hunt edible vermin and how build a fire to cook the vermin, pack a few books, and basically not have to put effort into human relationships again. Hermitage sounded ideal. For a few days our relationship died. I think it's been resurrected.
I hung out with Nate for a little while today. I felt a little like Eric Bibb when he sings, "we go together like a porch and a rocking chair." Nate is the medium in which I have experienced much healing. I feel like God is teaching us the same lessons, about leaving room for His plan in our plans. I only sat with Nate for a little while, but was filled with comfort. And joy. And Christmas, I guess. As you see, it's hard to explain. I felt kind of like how I used to feel after entering my house after a week at the campout --that feeling of embracing civilzation after a week in the woods; carpet, flushable toilets, clean sheets, and showers. Today I felt awake to what was around me--the cigarette and coffee smells of the Cafe du Marquis, the feel of Nate's hand, the rumble of conversation around us. We didn't say much, but I just felt so comfortable.
All right, my mind is drifting. I'm having a hard time writing. I guess what I wanted to say most of all was that, outwardly my life seems about as normal as ever right now: no play, no project, just JC Penney, a boyfriend, friends, and Bible studies. But inwardly, woven into all these things are stories to keep me occupied. "The bottom line," my Penney's store manager likes to repeat. The bottom line is, you can take the girl outta drama, but you can't take the drama out of the girl. I guess I can live with that.
