Sad, sad, sad, sad--why must I be sad?
Rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad?
~They Might Be Giants

I think that song is about Alice in Chains or something, but it's always been a favorite of mine because I'm often sad for no good reason. Another great one that helps is "Think About Your Troubles," where Harry Nilsson makes an argument that thinking about all that is bad in your life is a waste of time.

On the way to seeing Cold Mountain with my mom, I described to her my favorite part of the Return of the King, when Gandalf greets the waking Frodo at the end of their journey, stands in front of him, and laughs. Frodo was given a task--destroy the ring. But there were enemies that didn't want that to happen that gave him a hard time. By the end of the journey, Frodo barely accomplishes this task before he succombs to the other side. In fact, he doesn't actually do the job. Standing in front of the lava, he sees that he's not strong enough, and it takes Gollum to destroy it for him, after all. So, he doesn't really finish out what he was sent to accomplish, but the job gets done despite of his weakness. In that moment when he wakes up and Gandalf is staring at him, there's this moment of fear;"Shit, he knows that I did a crappy job." Gandalf's stern face melts into a joyous visual aid to his bellowing laugh. Frodo joins in, and then the door opens and the Fellowship tumbles inside. They all laugh, embracing; "we made it" is the subtext. Seeing that the first time, I bawled my eyes out because I felt like I was seeing a picture of myself in a few years.
I was given a task. "Follow Jesus." And, like Frodo, today all I can see is what a crappy job I'm doing at it. All the messes I've made that God has cleaned up for me. There's no way I can be a light. But maybe Jesus sees me the way Gandalf saw Frodo. "You made it. You did it. You might not have done it exactly right, but the job is done and now you are here." One day I'm going to die and I'll see Jesus because(I believe)everyone will. I just imagine that he will appear before me, like Gandalf saw Frodo, and he'll be the first thing I see when i open my eyes. And Jesus will crack up. And I will crack up too. And we'll just laugh, because, yeah, I did a pretty crappy job, but who the hell cares? I've made it and all that doesn't matter. And then my fellowship will come tumbling in behind Jesus and we'll all embrace, knowing that we made it. Goodness, that is a nice thought, isn't it? Today would be a nice day to hear "Well done, faithful servent." Because today, I feel like I'm hoping for too much, if I hope I'll hear that. Sigh.

So, we got to the movie 20 mins early. Lord of the Rings played next door to Cold Mountain. I told my mom we could go watch 20 mins of Lord of the Rings. Heh. So we went in and there was Frodo, getting his finger bit off. We watched until the Fellowship came tumbling in. God must have known that I needed to see that again. I love it when that shit happens. It makes my Lord that I'm following a bit more tangible in a world where I can't see him. And Lord knows I need that time to time.

I guess my point in bringing up the quotes is that if you're looking at Jesus, you're automatically going to see what a crappy job you're doing, or how awful the world is. Because he makes it all look bad. But there's no use focusing on all that which "drags our spirit down" (right, Mr. Bibb?). There's alot of trouble and sadness in my mind today. But I gotta keep on walking and just deal with it. Because I think God sees past my trouble. Maybe he'll teach me how to just laugh it off.