I cried for the first time in a long time. It was when I read Jenni's words (in a letter from Thailand) "I am praying you are knowing that fullness of peace, even if you don't have a plan for your future. You do have the assurance that your future is great!"
I can't wait till she comes home. I need that assurance. But I got a glimpse of it tonight. You see, I've had a long day at a workshop in which I made a bad choice of monologue. I have made this bad choice before. Boldness over Believability. I need to just trust that who I am, the simple me, is good enough. Is interesting and bold enough. You know, the way he made me. But my theater dreams kind of came to a close today. I guess that's not a bad thing. But I felt like I had no future. And then God reminded me with Jenni's letter, that the glimpses of my great future lie in those times of pure joy in fellowship. When I've found other believers who encourage me to follow Jesus. When we've sat and chatted about what He's done. Those are the glimpses of the future.
After I read Jenni's letter, my friend Ian called and invited me over to eat some pork. That's all he told me. When I got to his house, there were about fifty people over his house eating about fifty courses he and his friend Joe had made: Ribs, Roast Beef, Lamb, Baked chicken, Salmon, barley, corn salad, mashed potatoes, loaves of freshly baked bread, broccoli, couscous, and red beans and rice-there were more that I can't remember. I sat with other believers and laughed and ate. It was a glimpse of heaven. And God gave it to me at the right time. You see, thunderous applause after a show, satisfying auditions, boys revealing their attraction to me, praise from writing teachers--these are all nice, but they don't compare to those moments of deep fellowship--when my friends call me at just the right time and meet my needs like that. I'm being taken care of day by day. Knowing this, I can trust Jesus. And knowing Him is knowing my future is going to be great.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
TIME according to CS LEWIS
"Of course, you and I tend to take it for granted that this Time series--this arrangement of past, present, and future-- is not simply the way life comes to us but the way all things really exist. We tend to assume that the whole universe and God Himself are always moving on from past to future just as we do. But many learned men do not agree with that. It was first the Theologians that started the idea that some things are not in time at all: Later the Philosophers took it over: now some of the scientists are doing the same. Almost certainly God is not in Time. His life does not consist of moments following one another... This is difficult I know.
Suppose I am writing a novel. I write, "Mary set down her work; next moment there came a knock at the door!" For Mary who has to live in the imaginary time of my novel there is no interval between putting down her work and hearing a knock. But I, who am Mary's maker, do not live in that Imaginary time at all. Between writing the first time of that sentence and the second, I might sit down for three hours and think steadily about Mary. I could think about Mary as if she were the only character in the book, and the hours I spent in doing so would not appear in Mary's time (the time inside her story, at all.
It is not a perfect illustration, of course, but it may give you a glimpse of what I believe to be the Truth. God is not hurried along the time stream of the universe any more than the author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel.
A difficulty we get if we believe God to be in time is this. [Most] everyone who believes in God at all believes He knows what you and I are going to do tomorrow. But if He knows that I am going to do so-and-so, how can I be free to do otherwise? Well, here once again, the difficulty comes from thinking God progresses along the Time-line like us; the only difference being that He can see ahead and we cannot. Well, if that were true, and God forsaw our acts, it would be very hard to understand how we could be free not to do them. But suppose God is outside and above the time-line. In that case, what we call "Tomorrow" is visible for Him in just the same way as what we call "Today." All these are "Now" for Him. He does not remember what you are doing yesterday; he simply sees you doing them: because, though tomorrow is not yet there for you, it is for Him. You never supposed that your actions for this moment were any less free because God knows what you are doing. Well, He knows your tomorrow's actions in just the same way--because He is already in tomorrow and can simply watch you. In a sense, He does not know your action till you have done it: but then the moment at which you have done it is already "Now" for Him.
This idea has helped me a good deal. If it does not help you, leave it alone... you can be a perfectly good Christian without accepting it, or indeed, without thinking about the matter at all.
~MERE CHRISTIANITY
"Of course, you and I tend to take it for granted that this Time series--this arrangement of past, present, and future-- is not simply the way life comes to us but the way all things really exist. We tend to assume that the whole universe and God Himself are always moving on from past to future just as we do. But many learned men do not agree with that. It was first the Theologians that started the idea that some things are not in time at all: Later the Philosophers took it over: now some of the scientists are doing the same. Almost certainly God is not in Time. His life does not consist of moments following one another... This is difficult I know.
Suppose I am writing a novel. I write, "Mary set down her work; next moment there came a knock at the door!" For Mary who has to live in the imaginary time of my novel there is no interval between putting down her work and hearing a knock. But I, who am Mary's maker, do not live in that Imaginary time at all. Between writing the first time of that sentence and the second, I might sit down for three hours and think steadily about Mary. I could think about Mary as if she were the only character in the book, and the hours I spent in doing so would not appear in Mary's time (the time inside her story, at all.
It is not a perfect illustration, of course, but it may give you a glimpse of what I believe to be the Truth. God is not hurried along the time stream of the universe any more than the author is hurried along in the imaginary time of his own novel.
A difficulty we get if we believe God to be in time is this. [Most] everyone who believes in God at all believes He knows what you and I are going to do tomorrow. But if He knows that I am going to do so-and-so, how can I be free to do otherwise? Well, here once again, the difficulty comes from thinking God progresses along the Time-line like us; the only difference being that He can see ahead and we cannot. Well, if that were true, and God forsaw our acts, it would be very hard to understand how we could be free not to do them. But suppose God is outside and above the time-line. In that case, what we call "Tomorrow" is visible for Him in just the same way as what we call "Today." All these are "Now" for Him. He does not remember what you are doing yesterday; he simply sees you doing them: because, though tomorrow is not yet there for you, it is for Him. You never supposed that your actions for this moment were any less free because God knows what you are doing. Well, He knows your tomorrow's actions in just the same way--because He is already in tomorrow and can simply watch you. In a sense, He does not know your action till you have done it: but then the moment at which you have done it is already "Now" for Him.
This idea has helped me a good deal. If it does not help you, leave it alone... you can be a perfectly good Christian without accepting it, or indeed, without thinking about the matter at all.
~MERE CHRISTIANITY
Monday, March 08, 2004
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
Song for today:
But everything you see's not the way it seems --
Tears can sing and joy shed tears.
You can take the wisdom of this world
And give it to the ones who think it all ends here
Let me be a little of your breath
Moving over the face of the deep
Wanna be a particle of your light
Flowing over the hills of morning.
~Bruce Cockburn
But everything you see's not the way it seems --
Tears can sing and joy shed tears.
You can take the wisdom of this world
And give it to the ones who think it all ends here
Let me be a little of your breath
Moving over the face of the deep
Wanna be a particle of your light
Flowing over the hills of morning.
~Bruce Cockburn
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
I had a bad day today! AH! I will, again, mock it with another slew full of lessons learned:
1) Don't skip dance class the day before spring break. You might miss a five minute combination and look like an ass when you don't know it upon your return to the class, the tuesday after the spring break.
2) Power bars, though they are cheap, yes, make a terrible lunch and are a waste of money that you don't have.
3) Don't try to compete in the theater world unless you have an MFA in theater performance. (That was Desdemona from the Guthrie's advice.)
4) You are not Lisa when it comes to writing papers.
5) If you really want to blow Nora's self esteem, tell her that her prose is bad. And tell her right after she had the comforting thought, "It's okay that you aren't good enough of an actor to get into Yale Drama, because you are a steller writer, and you enjoy writing more than acting, anyway."
6) Repentence is really just an act of self-indulgent remorse (that was from the AmDram prof)
7) Life stinks. (Also from the AmDram prof)
8) Everything you use to get you through life (i.e. God) will fail you (AmDram Prof once more)
9)Stop trying to make life more than it is. It stinks (AmDram man again)
10) Life is a constant process of settling for the smaller dream (AmDram, of course!)
11) Cheer up, things could get worse. (Guess who)
Oh, and:
12) Don't spend two years involved with a guy that lives with his highschool girlfriend. He's gonna marry her, eventually. And lie to you, alot.
1) Don't skip dance class the day before spring break. You might miss a five minute combination and look like an ass when you don't know it upon your return to the class, the tuesday after the spring break.
2) Power bars, though they are cheap, yes, make a terrible lunch and are a waste of money that you don't have.
3) Don't try to compete in the theater world unless you have an MFA in theater performance. (That was Desdemona from the Guthrie's advice.)
4) You are not Lisa when it comes to writing papers.
5) If you really want to blow Nora's self esteem, tell her that her prose is bad. And tell her right after she had the comforting thought, "It's okay that you aren't good enough of an actor to get into Yale Drama, because you are a steller writer, and you enjoy writing more than acting, anyway."
6) Repentence is really just an act of self-indulgent remorse (that was from the AmDram prof)
7) Life stinks. (Also from the AmDram prof)
8) Everything you use to get you through life (i.e. God) will fail you (AmDram Prof once more)
9)Stop trying to make life more than it is. It stinks (AmDram man again)
10) Life is a constant process of settling for the smaller dream (AmDram, of course!)
11) Cheer up, things could get worse. (Guess who)
Oh, and:
12) Don't spend two years involved with a guy that lives with his highschool girlfriend. He's gonna marry her, eventually. And lie to you, alot.
Oh, here's an explanation for the cornbread.
My parents are on the Atkins diet, that means that there are very few carbs in the house and there is never good food, like cornbread, there to nibble on while I wait for my dad to cook dinner. It is very hard to wait for him to cook dinner because dinner is usually something like pork or steak when I come home and the smells permeate through all floors of the ancient rosedale home, causing the tastebuds and empty stomach to run wild.
So, anyway, finding bread on the table meant that my parents were eating bread again. And I can no longer coin their home, "carb-forsaken" as I once did.
Oh, and on Sunday, we had rice with the bbq pork tenderloin.
My parents are on the Atkins diet, that means that there are very few carbs in the house and there is never good food, like cornbread, there to nibble on while I wait for my dad to cook dinner. It is very hard to wait for him to cook dinner because dinner is usually something like pork or steak when I come home and the smells permeate through all floors of the ancient rosedale home, causing the tastebuds and empty stomach to run wild.
So, anyway, finding bread on the table meant that my parents were eating bread again. And I can no longer coin their home, "carb-forsaken" as I once did.
Oh, and on Sunday, we had rice with the bbq pork tenderloin.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
I'm back in Ann Arbor now.
The rest of the Chicago trip was fine and dandy. Bethany and I went downtown to the art museum where we saw some Seurats, Monets, Van Goghs, and Picassos. Then we walked down Michigan Ave. to Bloomingdales where her friend works. Meanwhile, my brother was back at his apt fixing the computer formally known as Fucker--he hasn't earned his name since, and he actually opens Word now! Hurray! I think my brother finished some screenplays as well (he's working on three.) In the evening we had hummus and tabouli sandwiches and watched the Simpsons. Later on in the evening we met up with James of 11th grade boyfriend fame. It was good to see him. He's pretty much the same as ever, but that meant that we got along well. Don't ask me what he's doing there (as far as how he's supporting himself) because it was really hard to tell when he told me. But we got lost in the car on the way home to my brothers. Just like old times.
Yesterday Bethany and I had HUGE-ass pancakes (chocolate chip) for breakfast at a little diner type place around the corner, and then Bethany drove the car from Chicago to Grand Rapids, where her parents live (I would have drove, but I lost my license at the Riviera theater where we saw Rufus.) Last night her mom made us a lovely dinner, and then we played scrabble.
Today I got my temp. license from the secretary of state in Grand Rapids so I could drive home. After that we called Jenni in Thailand, which was very cool. And then after we called Jenni, we went downtown to the art museum there and saw this photo/watercolor collection about the Blues. Much to my delight. :) It was a wonderful exibit, I was well pleased and wanted to move down to New Orleans again (anyone want to join me?). Then I drove home.
Well, that was my vacation. Soon I should start writing, now that Microsoft Word has worked its way back into my life. I wish I felt like writing. I should at least do ten mins. Reading plays doesn't sound like a bad idea either.
The rest of the Chicago trip was fine and dandy. Bethany and I went downtown to the art museum where we saw some Seurats, Monets, Van Goghs, and Picassos. Then we walked down Michigan Ave. to Bloomingdales where her friend works. Meanwhile, my brother was back at his apt fixing the computer formally known as Fucker--he hasn't earned his name since, and he actually opens Word now! Hurray! I think my brother finished some screenplays as well (he's working on three.) In the evening we had hummus and tabouli sandwiches and watched the Simpsons. Later on in the evening we met up with James of 11th grade boyfriend fame. It was good to see him. He's pretty much the same as ever, but that meant that we got along well. Don't ask me what he's doing there (as far as how he's supporting himself) because it was really hard to tell when he told me. But we got lost in the car on the way home to my brothers. Just like old times.
Yesterday Bethany and I had HUGE-ass pancakes (chocolate chip) for breakfast at a little diner type place around the corner, and then Bethany drove the car from Chicago to Grand Rapids, where her parents live (I would have drove, but I lost my license at the Riviera theater where we saw Rufus.) Last night her mom made us a lovely dinner, and then we played scrabble.
Today I got my temp. license from the secretary of state in Grand Rapids so I could drive home. After that we called Jenni in Thailand, which was very cool. And then after we called Jenni, we went downtown to the art museum there and saw this photo/watercolor collection about the Blues. Much to my delight. :) It was a wonderful exibit, I was well pleased and wanted to move down to New Orleans again (anyone want to join me?). Then I drove home.
Well, that was my vacation. Soon I should start writing, now that Microsoft Word has worked its way back into my life. I wish I felt like writing. I should at least do ten mins. Reading plays doesn't sound like a bad idea either.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
I'm in Chicago. Last night Bethany and I saw Rufus Wainwright. He put on a great concert. He has such a powerful voice.
Today we were extras in a movie that some grad student was making at Columbia. I had to sit with my brother in a coffee shop and pretend to drink cold expresso. It was pretty tedious, but visiting my brother was fun. Last night was a lot of fun because Ian had tons of people in his apt, all eating chocolate fondu and cookies. We horsed around and watched their movies. They all make movies, apparently. Intresting crowd...
Last night i came up with another pipedream: (That's what I call my future plans.)
Move somewhere cheap, like the South, and learn french from french classes. Spend the next three years in france. Move back to the US and learn German. Go to Germany. By the time I'm thirty, I could be quatrilingual! Is that the way you spell that?
Maybe I should just learn English first...
Today we were extras in a movie that some grad student was making at Columbia. I had to sit with my brother in a coffee shop and pretend to drink cold expresso. It was pretty tedious, but visiting my brother was fun. Last night was a lot of fun because Ian had tons of people in his apt, all eating chocolate fondu and cookies. We horsed around and watched their movies. They all make movies, apparently. Intresting crowd...
Last night i came up with another pipedream: (That's what I call my future plans.)
Move somewhere cheap, like the South, and learn french from french classes. Spend the next three years in france. Move back to the US and learn German. Go to Germany. By the time I'm thirty, I could be quatrilingual! Is that the way you spell that?
Maybe I should just learn English first...
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
The Greatest Lie Ever Told:
You WILL be like God.
Why didn't someone tell Eve she was created in God's image? And she knew that what she was doing was wrong, because God told her it was wrong to do what she was doing. I guess she didn't understand the consequences.
"You have no idea where I come from or where I am going. You judge on human standards." ~Jesus
"shall we therefor continue to sin, that grace might abound all the more?"
~Paul
AH. Grace. Grace is better than innocence? I guess I'll never know. But isn't it like God, to take a disaster and make the situation better than it was going to be in the first place?
You WILL be like God.
Why didn't someone tell Eve she was created in God's image? And she knew that what she was doing was wrong, because God told her it was wrong to do what she was doing. I guess she didn't understand the consequences.
"You have no idea where I come from or where I am going. You judge on human standards." ~Jesus
"shall we therefor continue to sin, that grace might abound all the more?"
~Paul
AH. Grace. Grace is better than innocence? I guess I'll never know. But isn't it like God, to take a disaster and make the situation better than it was going to be in the first place?
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
I put this up as my away message earlier today:
"And so you see I've come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you"
P. Simon
I didn't know that it would define my day...
Today's American Drama lecture was very trying to my faith, and sent me home with lots of doubts. The professor noted that many theologists say that sin was the best thing that happened to God, because now he has people who choose to follow Him instead of innocent people who don't make choices. He said that Adam and Eve weren't "Good" because you can only be good if you choose to be, and without the fall, there was no choice. I rose my hand and asked "what about the tree? They had a choice about the tree." And he said, they couldn't be good, they could only obey God.
That was pretty disturbing to me. But then, after making some phone calls, first to my mother, then to my buddy/brother in Christ, Erik Thor, for a little faith uplifting. Both were very uplifting to talk to. Erik said something that made me laugh for the first time in 2 hours. (I had been in a good mood until lecture). I asked him, "How do I know God is in me?" and he said "because His spirit is you." I asked, "How do I know God's spirit is in me?" and he said, "because if He weren't in you, you would have just walked out of there with a notebook full of lecture notes. You're thinking about Him." And I laughed and he laughed and we had a good laugh together. Erik puts things so simply, with so much wit and truth. It's so good to have good friends.
With my mom, I related the stuff about Adam and Eve. And then I realised... Adam and Eve always DID have a choice to be good, the choice to obey is the choice to be good. Because obeying God is being good. What is obeying God? Loving Him and loving people. God's will for us is Good. Obeying Him (whether by loving people, forgiving people, or staying clear from sin) is being Good. So... HAH. There goes that argument. And there goes that doubt.
My mother reminded me that we can't read the Bible unless we have the spirit to guide us. You can't get to God with logic, you can't get to him with works. You can only get to Him with Jesus' spirit.
But the quote on the top, that was what happened today. The only truth I knew was Jesus, all the rest I doubted for about 20 mins. But God has restored my faith, outdone my doubt, and I am very grateful. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. God used them both today to keep me in His kingdom. :)
"And so you see I've come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you"
P. Simon
I didn't know that it would define my day...
Today's American Drama lecture was very trying to my faith, and sent me home with lots of doubts. The professor noted that many theologists say that sin was the best thing that happened to God, because now he has people who choose to follow Him instead of innocent people who don't make choices. He said that Adam and Eve weren't "Good" because you can only be good if you choose to be, and without the fall, there was no choice. I rose my hand and asked "what about the tree? They had a choice about the tree." And he said, they couldn't be good, they could only obey God.
That was pretty disturbing to me. But then, after making some phone calls, first to my mother, then to my buddy/brother in Christ, Erik Thor, for a little faith uplifting. Both were very uplifting to talk to. Erik said something that made me laugh for the first time in 2 hours. (I had been in a good mood until lecture). I asked him, "How do I know God is in me?" and he said "because His spirit is you." I asked, "How do I know God's spirit is in me?" and he said, "because if He weren't in you, you would have just walked out of there with a notebook full of lecture notes. You're thinking about Him." And I laughed and he laughed and we had a good laugh together. Erik puts things so simply, with so much wit and truth. It's so good to have good friends.
With my mom, I related the stuff about Adam and Eve. And then I realised... Adam and Eve always DID have a choice to be good, the choice to obey is the choice to be good. Because obeying God is being good. What is obeying God? Loving Him and loving people. God's will for us is Good. Obeying Him (whether by loving people, forgiving people, or staying clear from sin) is being Good. So... HAH. There goes that argument. And there goes that doubt.
My mother reminded me that we can't read the Bible unless we have the spirit to guide us. You can't get to God with logic, you can't get to him with works. You can only get to Him with Jesus' spirit.
But the quote on the top, that was what happened today. The only truth I knew was Jesus, all the rest I doubted for about 20 mins. But God has restored my faith, outdone my doubt, and I am very grateful. I have a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend. God used them both today to keep me in His kingdom. :)
Monday, February 16, 2004
Last night I went to my Aunt Mary's, and my Uncle Fred had a band down in his recording studio. Heh, yeah, he has a recording studio in his basement. Anyway, Mary made me go down there and sing with them. Most of the songs I knew that they could play were Beatles songs and Paul Simon songs (which, to Lisa's amusement, they were amazed that I knew... "How do you know those old songs?" Remember the look on Peggy and Kevin's faces in Denver, when I mentioned that we were listening to the Who?) The Beatles and Simon are both pretty much too high for me (damn tenors), but we made a neat recording of In My Life.
I like singing with a band! Haha. I forgot to ask them if they knew any Janis Joplin. But I guess it's good, so now I can have a voice to talk this morning. Bobby McGee would have been fun. But my favorite song I sang was "Bring it on home to me," a blues song (Sam Cooke). It was so fun to sing the blues with a band, after listening to it for so long. They were really good, much better musicians than I am at just singing random songs. But after I got comfortable it got more fun. Hah, what a night. Too bad I didn't get much homework done...
I like singing with a band! Haha. I forgot to ask them if they knew any Janis Joplin. But I guess it's good, so now I can have a voice to talk this morning. Bobby McGee would have been fun. But my favorite song I sang was "Bring it on home to me," a blues song (Sam Cooke). It was so fun to sing the blues with a band, after listening to it for so long. They were really good, much better musicians than I am at just singing random songs. But after I got comfortable it got more fun. Hah, what a night. Too bad I didn't get much homework done...
I've been listening to India Arie again and she's really encouraged me this morning. Two songs that have spoken to me. Both have to do with moving forward, spiritually and mentally.
"Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
it's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found"
~Strength Courage and Wisdom
And to compliment my urge to travel and keep moving:
"Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right"
~Beautiful
Yeah, a place where wrong becomes right. I'll probably have to die to find that one.
"Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been, too afraid to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop and listen
It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my faith
it's been illusive for so long but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith it's time to show my faith
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found"
~Strength Courage and Wisdom
And to compliment my urge to travel and keep moving:
"Please understand that it not that I don't care
But right know these walls are closing in on me
I love you more than I love life itself
But I need to find a place were I can breathe
I can breathe
I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Some where between dark and light
Where wrong becomes right"
~Beautiful
Yeah, a place where wrong becomes right. I'll probably have to die to find that one.
