I haven't updated in a while! And I should, because my life is a lot better lately than it has been in a long time.

I have confirmed for myself, again, that I want to be a writer now. This has been very freeing for me. It's hard to
get motivated for those theater classes though, but that's okay. I decided, or I probably didn't decide this, but
that to an artist, there is no such thing as wasted time. We use everything. Esp. a writing artist.

My play is shaping up. I turned in the first draft today. Next week I'll get feedback. I had a bunch of people over this weekend to help me read through it. I hope everyone who came had as good of a time as I did. But I was encouraged because, though there were some errors, and the play would be impossible to actually put on, I wrote a play. And it wasn't the worst thing I've written. (What is the worst thing I've written? Any feedback? Perhaps my first poem for 223, though none of you can verify that, because I'll never show it to you... and don't you DARE say it was that letter I was going to send to Ford asking for a free car for our roadtrip, because I still have a copy of that and hold it dear.)

MELANOPLUS REX--let's just say that the class hated the ending. Not one person, not one! thought it was as funny as I did. Everyone seemed to like it, but no one liked the fact that I did the protagonist in at the end. Here's my favorite comment. "Good Story. Bad Ending. For your next draft, new ending." HA! No one seemed to catch that it was over dramatic (Though, Lisa DID make me take out the part where Edna looks at the sky and screams "NO!" before burrowing her head into the dying entomologist's chest). So, to the delight of all who have suffered through the terrible loss of Ned Kahn (as opposed to Ted Cohn), the endearing 5'4" redhead grasshopper king, i believe that for the next draft he'll survive. I won't think it's as funny, but frankly, I don't think I'll get an A on the story if I kill the guy. Simple as that.

Oh, Sunday I went with Jason Beck (of Madison Greene fame) and Niki P. ( of being engaged to one of my best friends-fame.) to see this incredible Brazilian percussion/tapdancing/swordfighting/rock and roll band at the Blind Pig. And I don't even remember their name! But they were fantastic.

Finally, I have lost a lot of the loneliness I've felt all semester. I ran into Diane Martin at NWF on Sunday, and she asked how I was, and I could honestly say I was doing extremely well, and that there was nothing wrong with my life at the moment. I was happy to say that. Very happy indeed. Now I'm just wondering how long this euphoria will last (I study the sky for approaching clouds and lightening bolts) because as much as I want to be a Shiny Happy Person holding hands, the truth is that I'm pretty pessimistic and gloomy. But oh well. Life is nice at the moment. I don't know how long for, but I guess I do know that eventually it will be forever, so I'm not sweating it.

Okay kids, better start warming up for that audition. An audition where I will approach saying "Hello, I want to be your dramaturg" so I can learn all about Arthur Miller and do research, because I'm a nut! I love research. The more I know the more I can write. And Miller and I go back. Way back to our writing prizes. Yeah.

Ciao for now.

Good day today.

I took a test for my Shakespeare course. It was long. 4 essay questions in a blue book-- my hand was killing me. And I am really opinionated. That's what I discovered. I didn't like the western Taming of the Shrew. I liked the idea but didn't think it was executed (canadians trying to do western... i'm a pompous jerk, I know)... anyway, it's weird to think I'm so opinionated.

I should be writing my play. I can't wait until a day when I only have one writing project at a time. At this moment I have 3 stories running through my head and a play.
It's hard because I want to just throw myself completely into one and ignore the others. Right now I want to write a story, not a play, because I just finished a play.
Switching gears is not impossible, but not easy.

I just got back from Bethany's dorm. We watched When Harry Met Sally. Not a good one for someone who's single and lonely like me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm lonely because I'm an artist. I have a feeling I'll always be lonely, even when there's people around me all the time. I'll probably be married and still lonely, somehow. And that's going to drive my husband up the wall. Or do you think the loneliness is a result of being a believer in this world? Or is this time a time of loneliness, a time when Jesus is making me be a shepherd in a field. Moses, David, they were shepherds. Jesus was, and I bet he was lonely.

I'm pathetic.

I saw BONHOEFFER last night. Whoa guys, if you get a chance to, see it. I forgot that he was in a conspiracy to kill Hitler. Would you kill Hitler? I think I would... which is a strange thought. Good movie though. Wondering what to get me for Christmas? DISCIPLESHIP by him would be nice. :)

Okay, I'm off.

Any ideas for a new story? I'm still thinking aboout writing one called MELANOPLUS REX: An Entomologist's love story.
Melanoplei are grasshoppers.

Night

Here I am, finally. I'm responding to Christy's request (demand) that I update.
I'm about to take my munch break at the museum where I still spend hours entering grasshoppers into a database.

Nothing is new. I have some kind of cold on top of senioritis. So I cough with no initiative. I'm not acting outside of classes. I am not acting much in classes, except for my clown class which is hard, despite the fact that you laughed when you saw that I have a clown class. I am writing alot in writing classes. I am writing a play about how the interpretation of the Diego Rivera Murals at the DIA changes with the way Detroit's history changes. I'm also writing short stories. I need a topic for my next one.

I need to get out of here. I need to go on the road or something. I think Ann Arbor has had enough of me, or I've had enough of Ann Arbor. I'm kind of lonely lately.

Jenni Goad is engaged to Niki. That's pretty exciting news. She's in town from Thailand, but I haven't seen much of her. I've been hanging out with here sister
Bethany alot though. She's a great gal.

Okay, time for lunch.

I just bought a WILCO cd (that's a band). They sing a song and this is the chorus that's been running through my head:

you have to lose
you have to lose
you have to learn how to die
if you wanna wanna be alive

pretty cool stuff...

I think that ressurection stuff is starting to play a part in my life. My clown class is killing me in a way, but hey, eventually I'll be dead and perhaps ressurected in that area. Hm.

I'M BACK. I've been around the country. Talk to me if you want the real details or to see pictures of my trip, but here's some american observations from my 2 months on the road.

1) Never drive in LA. Especially on the corner of Kester and Ventura.
2) Most people have morals but are willing to sell them at cash value.
3) Being a christian is only really radical in Ann Arbor. Not so much in Tennessee.
4) Oklahomites are confused about camping.
5) No self serve in Oregon
6) The biggest truck stop in the world is in Iowa.
7) White people are called Anglos in New Mexico.
8) Half of our country is in major drought and is on fire.
9) You can drive 75 on Montana's backroads.
10) The biggest cross in the world is in Texas. It's a spiritual experience
11) Stand up comedy is extremely difficult.
12) Jesus was HUGE and blonde.
13) You are fat if you live in Los Angelos.
14) Alex King was in the synagogue talking to the boy Jesus.
15) Dr. Seuss' trees can be found between Las Vegas and Los Angeles.
16) Utah has a super market called "Honey's Jubilee"
17) Your Pavillion card will work at Vons.
18) There are giant slugs in the redwood forest. GIANT slugs.
19) You only need to take about 3 pictures of the grand canyon.
20) We get our eyes and ideas of courtship from giant scorpions.
21) You can check your email for free in libraries
22) Yellowstone is mostly burnt.
23) If you go on a roadtrip, bring along the Hobbit.
That's all for now.

Today I thought about a few things regarding time. My time belongs to God. That is an incredibly freeing thought to me. Because my time on earth belongs to me, I can be assured that things will happen at the right time. That goes for people too. It occured to me that people come and go out of my life quite frequently. This unsettles me at times, but ultimately I know who is in charge of my time, and I know that who I have right now, this very moment, are who He has surrounded me with. It's a simple thought, I guess, but it helps do away with thoughts of "I wish I never met that person" or "I wish that person would give me a call now and then to show that I mean something to them." These people aren't making the life altering decisions for me. Jesus, my life source, does that.

Any ideas on what Lisa and I can teach the teens on Sunday?

Today I got in a car accident. Those who know me well know what a travesty that is for me. I totaled my car a year ago (Fall 2001), and it took me a long time to get behind the wheel again. I was so terrified today. I thought for a moment that I would never drive again. It was a left turn, just like the last time I crashed the car. I was ready to just run away and move to a city with good public transportation, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I know it sounds over dramatic, but it was how I felt. My friend Kirsten was with me. Right after I had a hysterical crying fit she took me to the Traffic Jam restaurant (hah, of all titles of places to go) and bought me ice cream for lunch. Boy did that help. Then I just carried on with my life--I went to the DIA like I wanted to, and then went home and told my father. I was so terrified that he would tell me he didn't want me to take my road trip. But He didn't. He was very understanding and told me not to worry about it.
Today I started reading this book that James Cargill gave me that breaks down Buddhism. I read it so that I could kind of understand what my friend Jenni in Thailand is facing there. So after today's accident and reading that book, I truly appreciate Bono's (from U2) words: Grace, she travels outside Kharma. She really does my friends. She really does. But I learned today, again, that I am a human who makes stupid mistakes (and repeats them at that), but even so I have to keep going. I can't look back, I have to just go on with what I've been given, which is definitely grace. My father on earth showed me grace. My father in heaven showed me grace. He has truly strengthened me today.
Satan sure knows how to trip me up. I don't think he sent the car accident--that was just the world and me making stupid decisions at the left turn light. What he did was try to take my mistake and use it to destruct what God is doing in my life. But he didn't win today. He will never win.

I'm taken care of. Thank God for GRACE.

WHAT I HAVE BEEN UP TO:

After reading Lisa and Christy's blogs, I decided to make mine a bit more like some of theirs today--more journal like, if you will. I think it's time for a general update. I've been doing my 9-5 with the Grasshoppers. The big difference between this week and last week is that now I have co-workers. The first is a girl from Nova Scotia who did grad work in the school of natural resources. There is one more grad student, a guy, but I haven't really met him yet... The third is an undergrad bio/tuba major, also a guy. I like having co-workers. It makes the day less lonely, and I'm not imprisoned to my thoughts for so long. That was last week. I felt imprisoned to think deeply as I did the mindless work of organizing grasshoppers into alphabetical order according to species group and sub-species. Now my job is taking the grasshoppers, one by one, and entering them into a massive data base. Let me give you a little insight to how many grasshoppers this actually is. Each drawer has about 250-300. There are about 15 drawers per cabinet. There are 12 cabinets. In three days we entered 1000 grasshoppers in the database. So you see, it's very slow, and there's sooo much to do. I'll be doing it for the rest of May, and my co-workers will continue well after I'm gone. And we're just doing one of the many families of grasshoppers in the range (A range is a room full of collections). This week went by much slower than last week. Maybe it will speed up when I get more accustomed to it.

In my spare time (evenings) I've been doing research for the play I'm writing. I'm writing on my favorite subject: Detroit. Surprised? It's May now, so I'm starting the writing... It's based on an experience Lisa and I had in the DIA with James McNaughton and his girlfriend (JM is a teacher I had my freshman year. He started me on writing...) So I've been reading up on the Rivera Court Murals, and Henry Ford. The research is being morphed, now directed toward the auto-workers. I am not sure if my play is one of my many over-ambitions... Since I've started writing, I think my schedule is going to turn into this: Work from 9-5, get home at 5:30 eat dinner and then take a nap until 9 or 10 and Write the evening away... I don't think I can write before 10. Sound Crazy? I'm just trying it out, because I want to be a writer, and that means I'll be working 9-5's for a while. I'll keep my weekends free for socializing. We'll see how this routine goes. I had a 2 hour nap today.

Maybe one day I'll be paid to write! Oh Glory. Who knows...

Okay, I'ma get to it. Janet Bham will be calling any second...

Man. Maybe it was the insects, but I'm feeling pretty down. My faith is kind of weak at the moment. I need a good word. Maybe just a good friend. I know we need troughs in our lives, but it stinks when we actually are in them.

Like an old dusty road
I get weary from the load
Movin' on, movin' on
Like this tired troubled earth
I've been rollin' since my birth
Movin' on, movin' on
There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
And before my life is done
Got to find me a place in the sun
~Stevie Wonder PLACE IN THE SUN

Today as I was sorting bugs (That's my new job!) I heard this song, I mean really heard it, for the first time. It really hit me at the right time. That's how my life feels... "movin' on movin' on." CS Lewis said feelings come and go. I'm read for this general feeling of weight to flee. Before my life is done, hopefully... I know it will.

God answers every prayer.

Is that true?

According to Corrie Ten Boom it is. At the age of 75, she told listeners over european radio that God was still answering prayers that she prayed when she was 5 years old! If I could just believe that, I would have such stronger faith. We think that if our prayers aren't answered the day we prayed them, they are in vain... Oh, if I only knew for sure that God will answer those prayers I prayed for specific people to know Him. I could rest so much easier. If only...

Oh Lady Luck has led you here
And they're so twisted up
They'll twist you up, I fear

And then you're someone you are not
Ann Arbor City ain't the spot
Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around

And if you've got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Through the dark turns and noise
Of this wicked little town

That's from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It's supposed to be junction city, kansas but i changed it to suit my "wicked little town." I love the idea of the world's people twisting me to be something I'm not. That's what Satan tries to do, he tries to rip us from our true identity has children of God. Remember Mrs. Lot? She was destroyed when she looked at her wicked little town burning. We are also destroyed when we look back at our world, when we hold onto it like that. But when the world fails us we look to Him. We listen to His voice, and Follow Him through the dark turns and noise of this world.

He replaces the "noise" with music. That's an idea from a Screwtape letter. Music is noise with order to it. Noise becoming music is a good metaphor to our switch from this world to God's kingdom in heaven... What do you think?

Little Darling it seems the ice is slowly melting
Little Darling, it seems like years since it's been clear.
There goes the sun
Here comes the sun
And I'd say, it's all right.
~The Beatles

I listened to that song a couple of times today... I just wish it would ring true.
Well, my show is over. I'm having the post-play hangover.
Winter is supposed to be over. Where is the sun?

I added to my web page!!

www.geocities.com/njlimabean

two new entries: 20, 21.
Check it out please!

"Every secret prayer
Every Fancy Free
Every thing I dared for both you and me
All my wildest dreams multiplied by two
They were you"
~FANTASTICKS
They were Jesus. They were Jesus. They were Jesus!

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the world falls down
~David Bowie, Labyrinth

I have been hearing God sing that to me lately... He'll give me riches beyond my wildest dreams. He'll be there for me as the world falls down.

Will you think of times you told me you knew the reason
why we had to each be lonely?
Was it just the season?
~Norah Jones, Shoot the Moon

Have you guys heard that song? There's something really interesting about it. She seems to know her present condition is some sort of phase, but she seems to have a little angst about it, as if to ask, "why do we have to have phases anyway?"

To counter that is a lyric from Into the Woods that always runs in my head:
"Oh if life were only moments, even now and then a bad one,
but if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."

Time in this world is funny like that--sometimes I feel like I'm just trudging along, waiting for the next phase or moment. I'm feeling that today. Maybe some day we will see our lives as that gloomy prequel to our lives of joyful eternity. The Shadowlands, as CS Lewis likes to think of it. Wouldn't that be nice?

How is it so cold? It's supposed to be spring...