Manny Info

Sorry I made you all miss the first weekend.

WHAT: Manny and the Mirror, a Rock Opera
WHEN: The last two weekends in April, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
HOW MUCH: Thurs and Fri--$10. Saturday--$15
WHERE: The Planet Ant Theater.

Get off of 75 at the Holbrook/Caniff exit. If you're coming from 75 North (coming from the South... Confusing!), drive along the Chrysler service drive for a bit and turn Right on Caniff. If you're coming from 75 South, that is, coming from the Northward direction, turn Left on Caniff almost immediately after you exit.
Once you're on Caniff. Drive straight until you see a purple building with an ant painted in the side. It's on your left. There will be the Hamtramk library on your right. You'll see the Ant. It's purple. Park for free on the street or in the library lot.

WHO: I'm playing a siren/13 year old church girl. They are not two characters, they are the same person, I'm pretty sure. Don't come to gain insight and understanding in the storyline. Rather, come to ROCK OUT!

MORE INFO: planetant.com

A Damned Good Day.

Today was so perfect that I think I should go to bed before something bad happens.

I woke up at Lisa's and had breakfast for the first time in a long time, it seems. My first obligation was to help Blair with the poetry workshop at Hannan House. The people there were a trip up the old staircase (as I like to say). We wrote letter poems to our feet! Every poem was quite different, as you would imagine. Most of the poems were asking the feet why they don't cooperate. I wrote one asking my feet not to cooperate with my mind--to get me out of bed in the morning so I wouldn't lie there thinking about things I can't help. Confused? Maybe it was one of those "You had to be there"s.

Then I had three hours to kill before rehearsal, also by Wayne State (in a Woodbridge Apartment). So first I walked to Barnes and Noble and bought Hedwig and the Angry Inch (I want to put a song from there on a "Roadtrip Reflection" CD Lisa and I are vainly putting together... It has songs that to us resemble our experiences at each stop. I would tell you which Hedwig song, and which location, but it's the only choice I feel guilty about!). Nate's old boss, Reggie, helped me find the CD. I really love Reggie (I've talked to him twice), and it was worth the walk down there.

Then I went to the Meetery Eatery Coffee House on Woodward and worked on a short story for about an hour and a half. My friend Joel from Anne Frank exposed me to this place. It's very cute and maybe classy. They play really good background music--India Arie type stuff, jazzy black women voices and hip hop beats... Joel and I went there one day to see a poetry reading. After waiting an hour and a half and no poetry, we scadaddled over to the DFT to see ten minutes of a foreign film (We didn't pay because we have friends in high places). That was about a month ago or something... Today, after writing, I also studied a script that the kids at Maple (School with classes for Homeschoolers) are performing. I'm going to kind of take over the Robin Hood play that the 5-10 year olds are performing. Five year olds on stage? With Lines? You betcha... My first goal is to get them to slow the hell down. They all talk too quietly and too fast. But man are they cute. Anyway, so I prepared for this at the Meetery Eatery. And then I ran into Bethany Patterson (Who, by the way, is in my phone as BAD... This is because that's what appeared on my phone's screen when I typed her name in. I love it when she calls because BAD shows up. Ask me what you're in my phone as.)

Then I had rehearsal for Manny and the Mirror. We had our first run through and I decided that I really like a lot of the music in our little rock opera. Come see it! I'll make a post with performance details... Some day... When I have them. I learned today that Joel calls the show "Immanuel and his Looking Glass." He's not working on the show this year (they've put it one before, three times or something...), and Joel AD'd (I think?) previous productions. Anyway, hearing that he called it that made me miss him a lot.

Anyone want to go to a Tiger's game Saturday afternoon? Let me know! The more the merrier...

Happy Birthday Ian

My brother turns twenty-seven today. He's in Lansing this weekend working at their film festival, and then he returns to Chicago. Last Sunday I spent a lot of time with him--he came to the Walking Project walk in Detroit with me and then we drove out to my Aunt Judy's for Easter dinner. Those who know me know how much I love my brother...

I haven't lived with him for over nine years. It's very easy to love someone who you don't live with. Do you ever notice that? Not to say that if I lived with him I wouldn't love him, but I probably wouldn't be as aware of it. Funny how that is.

Today was a "Listen to The Bends" kind of day: heavy, dark, chilling, and eventually cynical.

Once I was having a free-style writing session (we called it a "writing party") with Bethany Goad and Rebecca Ridenour and Bethany wrote something about how she felt when she listened to Radiohead that went something like this:

"I am the coolest girl alive because I'm listening to cool music. People pass me byon the way to class and look at me and they have no idea how cool I am..."

That recount of her words didn't capture the slightest hint of how hilarious a thing she really wrote... Good Lord do I miss her... But I was so amused by how she recorded Radiohead to make her feel when she listened to it. When I listen to them I feel like I'm listening to my tribe's background music--like I've touched some kind of dark reality. I feel relieved (in a way) that I can channel my cynicism through my ears. And yet, I guess I have to agree with "Bose" that I, too, feel pretty cool when I listen to them.

Photo of a Fiery Furnace

Today I read the story in Daniel (3) about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego getting thrown into the fiery furnace and it struck me as a pretty damn good reason not to fear anything. I actually got comfort in the idea of fearing the Lord... it became clear to me that there really is no reason to fear anyone else because He is so much greater. It's much better to obey Him and come out of this world unscorched than to disobey Him out of fear for the world.

It really is a powerful story--King Neb turns the furnace up 7x the regular heat--the beast was so hot that it killed the guards that threw the guys in just because they were standing close enough. I couldn't help but think, "Wow, this world does get pretty viscious..." But the three Jew-migos didn't even have the smell of fire on them when the "man who looked like the son of the gods" walked them out of that thing. What a great picture.

It's a picture of Hell, really. Stand too close and you're a goner. But even the threat of that instant death is no separation from the Deliverance of Jesus.

Maybe I can get over my allergy to the Old Testament if I look at it more as a photo album of what God does and what His power looks like... Of what Jesus looks like. It's full of great pictures of these things. Some of the pictures, though, I'll admit--I just don't understand. Yet. I don't understand them yet.

Some Forceful Thoughts (Watch Out...)

Last night at Dale Batten's Bible Study in Harrison Twp., I had this revelation:

The road to heaven isn't paved with good intentions, it's paved with relationships. If God opens doors and closes them, it's for the sake of relationships. I believe that if we allow Him to, God molds us into our white-stone self--IE, we are molded as creatures who reach their greatest potential. We're made in the image of God, so that is a pretty high potential. Meanwhile, the events in our life following Him resemble some intricate dance of interractions with people, or, as I say, relationships with people.

So why are Christians so exclusive? So divided? I believe the number one person excluded from the Church (in America?) is the "homosexual." A person should always feel comfortable in a Fellowship group, no matter what they identify themself as (or what society identifies them as...). If Jesus is truly at the gathering place of Believers, the homosexual person should be drawn there. How does the world know Jesus is in us? By the way we treat each other. That's what John says over and over in his letters. I have heard quite a bit of gay-bashing in my life, and it's always from the mouth of Christians. This infuriates me, because why are we focusing on one aspect of a person and then ripping it apart? Now if a person insists that a certain aspect of themselves be emphasized, that's one thing that we can't help, but I don't believe we should ever rip apart a person because of a choice they make. Who do we think we are, really? I think we are trying to be Judges. Well, we need to quit that because it really pisses Jesus off.

The book I'm reading is about politics and God--my two favorite subjects, the two most apalling subjects to bring up in public (though my circles dismiss the first and welcome the second subject into their conversations, it seems. Probably rightly so, but it IS nice to find a friend I can discuss both subjects with freely). The author, whose name is Jim Wallace, quoted some NY Preacher who said "Nobody gets into Heaven without a letter of recommendation from the poor." What do you all think of that? I think it's a fantastic image, really. I'm weighing that idea with the fact that there's a book sold in a Christian catalogue called "The Wall-Mart Way" that offers instructions on the Christ-like way to be a Wall-mart-like entreprenuer. (I have no idea how to spell entreprenuer. I don't really care, either, because I don't care to be associated with that word.)

I think the word poor can have a multitude of meanings. We need to love the poor and rich alike to keep on God's path. Eric Bibb puts it best:

"Walk with the rich
Walk with the poor
Learn from everyone
Thats what life is for..."

Isn't that what life is for? How can we learn unless we love? I have said this many times, I think. But it's ringing truer for me every day. And you know? I think one of the best things about being single is that it frees me up to love people on an equal plain... I don't have to pay more attention to one in particular. I will enjoy this while it lasts.

Today a ghost is born

"I'm going away
Where you will look for me
Where I'm going you cannot come
No one's ever gonna take my life from me
I lay it down
A ghost is born"

~Wilco, THEOLOGIANS

That's my song I "discovered" this week. And it's an Easter message! Today the ghost was born. I love ghosts, as many of you know, so that was a cool way to see Easter.

This year has been a big year for me, in terms of resurrection. I thought about resurrection and celebrated it all year long. Around this time last year I sort of discovered the law of resurrection--how life comes from death. It's been at the points when I have felt that I had nothing that life came pouring in. I have discovered that through the resurrection: the best art comes from suffering, the funniest comedy comes from sorrow, the truest friendships are the ones that were held through hardships. So you see, the resurrection law affects everyone.

And now we get to see it! Spring is the resurrection season--we get to see the dead rise all around us. In summer we'll forget how it snowed all through our March.

Happy resurrection day, everyone.

Quiz results

Here's the results from some quizzes I got the link from Ann Scharnhorst's blog. The first was to see what country I am. Of the 60 something possiblities of Nations that most resemble Nora Jean Bonner, I got:

You're
the United Nations!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to
completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long
way to go.  You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each
other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of
beating each other about the head and torso.  Sometimes it works and sometimes
it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result.  But your heart
is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
face="Times New Roman">Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

So... That's why I'm so damn patriotic these days!

Next, the State Quiz:
p>


You're Missouri!

An admirer of the works of Mark Twain and the steamboat lifestyle, you
are happiest when floating gently down the river. You have a strong sense of
independence, a reverence for saints, and even look up to discredited explorers. With all
these traditional influences, it's no surprise you're at the center of everyone you know,
and are even considered a gateway to the future. If only you could stop drinking the
world's worst beer, you'd be set.


Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I drink Rolling Rock. I guess that's not really quality. The Mark Twain part is right.

Finally, the book quiz:
p>


You're The Poisonwood Bible!

by Barbara Kingsolver

Deeply rooted in a religious background, you have since become both
isolated and schizophrenic. You were naively sure that your actions would help people,
but of course they were resistant to your message and ultimately disaster ensued. Since
you can see so many sides of the same issue, you are both wise beyond your years and
tied to worthless perspectives. If you were a type of waffle, it would be
Belgian.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

All I have to say about that is HAH. I think that one was the most right on, was it not? Too bad I can't get through that book...

I guess I should post the link to these quizzes:
http://bluepyramid.org/ia/

Let me know how you do...

Annex Part III

Today we had our most rowdy audience yet. I almost broke out of character during the Anne-Kisses-Peter scene, because each of their movements was interpreted vocally:

1) The bell tolls 9 o'Clock, and Anne is supposed to be out of the attic (where she is on her "date" with Peter)--the audience groans.
2) Anne moves past Peter and he doesn't kiss her--The audience groans louder.
3)Peter gives Anne a peck on the cheek--The audience groans even louder.
4) Anne gives Peter a huge smackeroo--The audience cheers.

Meanwhile, I'm looking at my crossword puzzle book, trying desperately not to laugh, or to discreetly glance at Seth the Stagehand who sits directly across from me, stage right (which would cause me to laugh more).

I'm noticing that it's getting a bit harder to focus during performances. Maybe I just need a break. Well, I have tomorrow off, a performance Sunday, Monday off, and then performances Tuesday through Friday. It's amazing how fast this process went by...

And Another One

I have another performance project underway--I'm in an original rock musical called Manny in the Mirror. The person who wrote it is in Anne Frank with me (he plays Krahler, for those who know the show). We're performing at the Planet Ant theater in Hamtramk. Performances are mid April through Mid May. I play some kind of Siren--who is also a 13 year old church girl or something. More information will be posted when I know what it is I'm doing...

Annex Update P. 2

Today's show went terribly. I dropped lines a couple times, and I don't have that many lines to begin with... Roger and Mark from my neighborhood theater came and saw me today too, which was very sweet of them but I wish I'd given them a better performance. I think I was jinxed... I made a sarcastic remark before the show about how I was going to refuse to take anymore notes because my performance was perfect. I was joking! But I just couldn't get into it today.

We only had one school come but there was a talk-back. The two teachers that were there asked 99% of the questions. That was a bit annoying. I think those kids just wanted to leave. I was too miserable to answer any of the questions, because I felt so lousy about my performance. I wished I could have answered the question about "should someone who wants to be an actor study theater in college?" I would have appalled them with the answer "Not all actors should go to school. School isn't for everyone." But I couldn't say that because Mr. Van Daan already had put in his 10 cents about why school is necessary. There was also the question, what should someone DO if they want to be an actor? What was our advice? I said nothing, but here is my advice: Get your self-worth from a source outside of theater. Know that theater will never love you as much as you love theater. I wonder what the 12-14 year olds would have thought of that. I guess it's good I didn't answer the question. I mean, who wants to listen to a bitter (old) actress?

Secrets of the Annex (P. 1?)

We opened the show today. I'm in the Diary of Anne Frank for those who forgot, playing Anne's sister Margot. The crowd was kids, rowdy ones at that.

When the show opens, I'm the first person you see as the curtain rises--they sent Margot before the other Franks because she was called up by the Nazis (that's why the family went into hiding). I could hear the rumbling of youngsters on the other side of the curtain before it rose. They were pretty rowdy during the whole show, very vocally responsive during the scene where Anne and Peter kiss. I guess I didn't mind it too much be cause I liked to hear them express their reactions. Why do we have theater, anyway? So we can supress reactions? I found comfort in their hoots,really I did. "They are there,"I thought while sitting on the couch and pretending not to hear them while the scene was going on behind me. "They are there and they are alive."

I should say that at the end of the play they were completely silent. That said something too... In fact, if they weren't so rowdy for the rest, we wouldn't have seen the impact of the last scene.

Here's the funny story of the performance: The person that brings us things in the play, Miep, comes in and tells us about the British Invasion of Europe. SHe puts a map on the table and all the kids (anne, peter, and me) look over her shoulder at it. Today she couldn't find the map, so instead, she brought out a poster that had this huge picture of a puppet on it, a clown puppet. The girl who plays Anne, Sara, and I started cracking up. We just let the laughter out. It seemed appropriate to let the Frank gals get a good laugh in before the show was over. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion any how...

As a result of the missing map, we got this new piece of dialogue:
MIEP: Look! I brought a map!
ANNE: (Dead Pan): Yes, you sure did.

Well, that was the first performance. Maybe I'll have something to document from each one. Or at least a few more...

Security

I went to see the Soweto Gospel Choir last night. I am ready to go to South Africa now! They performed the most wonderful rendition of "Amazing Grace" I've ever heard. Funny how I can hear a song about a billion times and then on the billion and first time, it makes me cry. I cried at this line:

"The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures."

It's so good to have the Lord to trust. It's so good.

Arthur Miller died today. He was 89. He shook my hand once, and told me good luck.

Tis so Sweet

I went to Will Lawson's funeral yesterday. I cried when my uncle paul sang,

"I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend
And I know that Thou art with me
Will be with me till the end.

Jesus, Jesus, How I trust Him
How I've proved him o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus, Precious Jesus
O For grace to Trust Him more."

What would this world be like with out Jesus to trust? With death and no Jesus... What would this time of my life be like? I don't even want to think about it, but I think it has something to do with panic.

That Old U2 Theology

It's starting to speak to me now! The new U2 Album is what I'm referring to. Here's the first song to speak to me. It's called

"One Step Closer"

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

Can you believe this stuff? "A heart that hurts is a heart that beats." I'm hurting, so must be alive. It's good to be alive--that much I'm closer to knowing. The song reminds me that Jesus works in our broken hearts, teaches us more about Himself. I'm still waiting for resurrection from this gloom, but at least I'm one step closer.

UPdate

I've been taking my time to update, because I hadn't anything good to say until now. I only had the negative news: Nate and I broke up on Sunday. I'm grieving, as you could guess I would be by reading my recent entries. I've been working through the loss, trying to figure out how to deal with myself now. I miss him terribly (though I must mention that our break-up was high spirited, we both felt like it was the best thing to do at this time.) We want time to get to know each other as good friends, since we never really had that time. We are both uncertain about our future together and don't feel like we know each other well enough to trust one another through the grit we've been facing. Meanwhile, we decided to take the next 10 days away from each other, without communicating. This has been so hard for me because I miss him so much.

So, I spent the last three days, as I've said, in a deep grieving state. I only had JC Penney's to do--lots of time to think and grieve. I'd go home and cry a bit over my loss. Sleep has been hard, eating too. But today I started on what I think will be a path of my revitalization.

To be single is not a bad thing. I remember being single last summer and having joy in that state--there is joy in singleness. Focus is a blessing that comes with singleness. It's a time to be useful.

I started my project with Walk and Squawk, collecting stories from elderly Detroiters at the Hannan House. We had a poetry workshop with a local spoken-word artist named Blair. Blair's income is Art. He makes a living at it! What an inspiration. He pays his bills by performing with has band and teaching poetry four times a week at Cass Tech HS. He's going to be performing in the Walking Project--the show I'm going to South Africa with in May or June. The workshop's particpants were a delightful group. I am very excited about being part of this project. Love for my city burst forth during the session.

After Hannan House, I headed over to my old high school and helped coach a Forensics Duo. They were doing a James Baldwin piece called the "Amen Corner." The kids I worked with were sweet and attentive and talented. It was gratifying to be able to relate some of my theater training to their work. I'll be returning there tomorrow after the funeral.

I left DSA, my HS, with such a sense of usefulness. Yes, I still ache for Nate. But today I didn't have to sit in my room and cry about it. The feeling of renewal started this morning when I cleaned the snow off of my car. "Look, I am doing this," I told myself. "I am single and I can get by on my own." I don't know what will happen with my future, in terms of relationships, guys, being in love. But today I am single and today I am useful.

One more thing I should mention: Blair told me that before the Walking Project goes to South Africa, they will take a week and perform it in London. He asked if I was coming... So, London may be in the future for me! I have always wanted to go there... The trip is contingent (sp? on my funds. Anyone willing to donate money?

--
My grandma just called, in a frantic state. My mother is supposed to pick her up in about fifteen minutes and take her to a funeral visitation. "Tell your mother I'm sorry but I lost track of time. I was painting and now I'm running late. Tell her to make it quarter after now, instead of quarter till..." I handed the phone to my mom and then returned to this blog entry smiling: The woman is 84, and she still gets wrapped up in her painting and loses track of time. She has been single most of her life, but she has found joy in what she does. She is still single, and still useful. I hope, in this way, I will end up like her.

Who Am I

Diane Martin read this is Church today. It's a poem Bonhoeffer wrote in prison.
---
Who am I? They often tell me I would step from my cell's confinement calmly, cheerfully, firmly, like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me I would talk to my warden freely and friendly and clearly, as though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me I would bear the days of misfortune equably, smilingly, proudly, like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of, or am I only what I know of myself, restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat, yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds, thirsting for
words of kindness, for neighborliness, trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation, tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance, weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making, faint and ready to say farewell to it all.
Who am I? This or the other? Am I one person today, and tomorrow another? Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others, and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling? Or is something within me still like a beaten army, fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine. Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine.

---
I was a little shocked at how much I could relate to this, especially with the goings-on of late. My path is rocky right now, yes, but this knowledge: that I am God's, that He knows I am His, even when I don't know---this is what will carry me through these times.

here we go again

When I turn on my phone the message "here we go again" comes up. I wrote that, of course. What does it tell you? That my life has been mundane, I guess.

Life hasn't really been mundane. My tendency towards depression has kept things interesting. Earlier last week, I was faced with the choice this week to either cut off my relationship with Nate or to work things out. We opted to work things out. I had outside help in coming to this conclusion on my end. I was so exhausted emotionally that I just wanted to call it quits, and then move up north to a cave somewhere, learn how to hunt edible vermin and how build a fire to cook the vermin, pack a few books, and basically not have to put effort into human relationships again. Hermitage sounded ideal. For a few days our relationship died. I think it's been resurrected.

I hung out with Nate for a little while today. I felt a little like Eric Bibb when he sings, "we go together like a porch and a rocking chair." Nate is the medium in which I have experienced much healing. I feel like God is teaching us the same lessons, about leaving room for His plan in our plans. I only sat with Nate for a little while, but was filled with comfort. And joy. And Christmas, I guess. As you see, it's hard to explain. I felt kind of like how I used to feel after entering my house after a week at the campout --that feeling of embracing civilzation after a week in the woods; carpet, flushable toilets, clean sheets, and showers. Today I felt awake to what was around me--the cigarette and coffee smells of the Cafe du Marquis, the feel of Nate's hand, the rumble of conversation around us. We didn't say much, but I just felt so comfortable.

All right, my mind is drifting. I'm having a hard time writing. I guess what I wanted to say most of all was that, outwardly my life seems about as normal as ever right now: no play, no project, just JC Penney, a boyfriend, friends, and Bible studies. But inwardly, woven into all these things are stories to keep me occupied. "The bottom line," my Penney's store manager likes to repeat. The bottom line is, you can take the girl outta drama, but you can't take the drama out of the girl. I guess I can live with that.