Moved

...this blog to wordpress:

http://homeward.wordpress.com

check it out.

More on Deuteronomy

Deut. 6:5-9
"Love the Lord your God with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give to you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home or when you walk along the road. When you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them the doorframes of your houses and on your gates...

...In the future, when your son asks 'What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees, and laws the Lord has given you?' Tell him..."

I wonder if CS Lewis got his idea to write about the signs in The Silver Chair from this. I read the verses this morning. I've been reading a chapter a day. At this rate, I'll be plugging away for three years in order to read the entire Bible from cover to cover. Oh well. As long as God's speaking to me, I guess...

Of course this jumped out at me first because this is the commandment Jesus later coins as the most important. This is the commandment at the center of the rest of the commandments that will follow--some of them rediculous sounding, like the ones my brother just made film about (like not touching shrimp or something? Maybe I'll let you know when I get there.) Some are more practical, like don't have sex with your family members or your neighbor's wife. These days, it's weird to read all the commandments and try to decide which ones are still good to obey, or wonder if God gives commandments still that are so specific. Do we still have stipulations and decrees from God?

We're told that Jesus made it possible for us to fulfill this great command--to love him with everything we've got. We believe there's grace now--we don't have to do anything to recieve it. But I think obedience is still important to God. Our obedience comes from what he's doing within us, sure, and it doesn't determine our salvation, sure, but something else is going on, too. Jesus is renewing our minds.

Maybe the commandments for us have changed in nature--the ones that make it possible to live out the great commandment(s). They have become more personal. In my walk with God, there seems to be something he's trying to teach me and this lesson changes over time. The specifics, anyway. At one point, the early point, I believe he was teaching me to put him first, which required that I do some fasting from things that used to distract me from Him. Later on, his message to me was to chill out and find that he's everywhere. Not to be so careful all the time or I'll miss the work he's doing.

When we read the Gospels, we see that his messages are individual. At one point he's telling a guy to hush about who healed him. He tells another person to go around and tell everyone what she's seen. He tells the Pharisees they need to stop being hypocrites and he tells another guy his faith has healed him. But I think the reality is that we are all of these people, at one point or another. All of His messages to them are relavant at different stages in our lives. Because we are changing beings. We should be, anyway. We should be growing.

I'm a firm believer in a God who speaks to me all the time, who is always teaching me something and I just have to give him my attention to learn what that thing is. This is the message that I believe Moses mentions to the Israelites in his Deuteronomy sermon. I don't think he's telling the people to write all ten (or nine?) commandments on their gates or to fill their foreheads with so much writing, but to be alert to the commandments that are pressing on them. We're not always in positions to lust, for instance, but there may come a day when we struggle with that, so that's when we remember what God has to say about it. The same with being angry at a sibling, etc.

But maybe, because our spirits are awakened by Christ in us, God's individual messages to us take on a more spiritual nature, like the string of commands Paul has to offer the addressees of his letters. Maybe God's telling us to have joy, or peace, or remember that he's alive in us. Maybe these are the lessons we tell our sons and daughters now. Because the outward stuff--the physical stuff is taken care of through Christ's ressurrection. Now we're alive in a different way and need to focus on what's going on with our thoughts.

In truth, I believe that both messages were always apparent--the physical and spiritual laws, even before Jesus came to the earth. David certainly seems to need to hear about peace at times--and I'm sure the other things too. From the psalms, it seems that the spiritual gifts were as available then as they are now. So I think the messages to hear about joy, patience, humility, and to stop grumbling have always been out there for people.

I guess it all just comes back to that idea--what is God saying right now? And how are we responding to it? Do we read a message in the morning and then forget about it? Do we write it down but never read it again? Do we write it on our hands? Talk about it with our friends? Sing about it as we walk to work?

Or maybe it's the story that we tell--that's how we remember. Just like God asked the Israelites to constantly remind each other of how he brought them out of Egypt, we must return to the story of what God did for us--what he brought us out of, what he put to death so we could be resurrected.

In God's diverse messages for us, there is always something we need to be reminded of. And they always point back to the same old thing--loving God with everything he's made us out of.

Do not be terrified, do not be afraid of them. The Lord your God is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. (Deuteronomy 1:29-31)

The world behind me, the cross before me.
No turning back, no turning back.
(I Have Decided to Follow Jesus)

He brought me all the way to Bangkok. He showed me many things to delight in here, meeting my needs every day, protecting me from disaster. He will be faithful to the end. Remembering what God has done in the past should give us confidence in our future--i.e. we should have no anxiety from thinking ahead. This frees us to think about the present, what God has given us now.

This also gives me the freedom to just write because I love to write, one sentence at a time, exploring realms through words. Each project for these applications is just an opportunity to write and discover through writing. I've fooled myself into believing that each of these writing assigments for applications will determine my future, but it doesn't work like that.

One more quote:
Life is a game
and True love is the trophy
(Rufus Wainwright, Poses)

God did what he did so we could move through this world fearlessly, like a game--to engage in our surroundings knowing there are no losers, there's not even teams (if we're all on the same team, are there teams?). This is what I think it means to have the world behind us--it means we don't let it dictate how we view our lives. Instead, we let the Spirit of Jesus reveal his truths in us and build our lives from there.

Divine Track List

Feeling a little down.
Put my ipod on shuffle.
Asked God to choose some songs he wanted me to hear.

1) Hotel Arizona (Wilco)
"I feel some connection between you and me
Well I guess there's some direction maybe you can't see"

2) Playboy Mansion (U2)
"Then will there be no time for sorrow
Then will there be no time for shame
And though I can't say why
I know I've got to believe"

3) Are You the One that I've Been Waiting For? (Nick Cave)
"As you've been moving surely toward me
My soul has comforted and assured me
That in time my heart it will reward me
And that all will be revealed"

4) Mother Popcorn (James Brown)

"Yeah! Popcorn! Oh! uh!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah
Yeah! EEEE Yeah!
Do the popcorn hu!
Ooooooooh!"

(My God really knows what cheers me. )

5) Changes Come (Over the Rhine)

"There is all this untouched beauty
The light the dark both running through me
Is there still redemption for anyone

Jesus come
Turn the world around
Lay my burden down
Turn this world around"

5) Anything at All (Over the Rhine)
"Sooner or later, things will all come around for good.
Sooner or later I won't need anything at all."

6) God of Wonders (From May's Crosstian folder on my computer)
"The universe declares your majesty
Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me."

7) Everything in Its Right Place (Radiohead)

The title says all there needs to be said.

Thinking through...

Warning: lots of scrambles and generalizations here...

I've been having a lot of conversations about the two nations that live in Thailand. Thailand and Muang Thai. Thailand is the place that the farangs see, the tourist farangs and the foreigners who have lived here for years and years and never learned the language (or only know a tiny bit). That's the nation full of indoor rice shops with poorly translated menus. These restaurants vary in taste but usually don't compare to the restaurants that belong to Muang Thai--the Thailand that Thai speakers belong to.

I am in the middle, maybe the middle leaning towards the Thailand side, since I only know a minimal amount of Thai. So much goes on under the farang's noses, it's almost frightening. I've been able to see more than most farangs because of the music opportunities, because of P'Nui, etc. Because of friends. I've been into a Thai home and watched a soap opera with Amata. I've tried, assisted, to watch Thai news or read Thai newspapers. And of course, I have the Polling Center job around me. But seriously, I am still kept out of much that goes on here. I get glimpses, like when my boss told me that four years ago, the gov't instilled a no-tolerance drug policy which meant if you were caught selling drugs they'd shoot you, your wife, and your kids on the spot without trial. This policy is no longer in effect, but Good Lord. I never would have guessed that the "peaceful buddhist culture" they show the farangs would allow something like that.

And then there is the food on the street. Good food, found in places many farangs wouldn't be able to order at because there is no sign of the English language anywhere. This is a conscious decision, I think.

Do I have a desire to have people appreciate my home and culture? I guess I do. I tend to give lectures about Detroit music, history, etc. But I am not so sure that Thai pride is matched in any way by any american. Sometimes I think I wouldn't be surprised if a Thai rejected the gospel because Jesus wasn't Thai. Of course, Buddha wasn't either.

And then there's the hostility from the Farangs towards Thais. The Farangs that seem to look down on the Thais as if they are incompetant. I have heared the woman described as manipulative (though I would argue that the hundred dollar bill waved in front of Thai women is a type of manipulation). I have heard a critique that they keep their poor without money and the wealth is only handled by a select few (could this be universal?).

I've come across a man frustrated because his girlfriend's family won't meet him, because he's white. (After watching what white men have done to so many Thai women, is he surprised her parents don't want to meet him?) He says he wants to marry her, she's why he's here. The same man refuses to learn Thai, as it seems too feminine for him to produce those sounds. He has been here for two years, but says he has not really been in a situation where he heard the Thai language. And that is the best example of the two nations that exist here.

Is this the case with all farang men who marry Thai women? Do they fully expect the women to give up their language in their homes? If these men refuse to learn their lover's language, aren't they in some way refusing a part of their lover? Does "I love you," ever have the same effect from a person's second language that it does coming at them in their native tongue?

laugh of the week...

Claire L. has an album on her profile that includes a picture of her mother trying to brush her hair.

She commented: "Jungle fever has it's price white woman!"

Tore me up.

"Keep me honest 'cause I'd rather lie.
Keep me young and keep me satisfied."
~Kim Taylor

Sometimes songs really describe me. This one seems to be my anthem this morning.

Why is the Winter Light (by Franz Wright)

Why is the winter light
disturbing, and who
if anyone shares this impression?
If somebody enters the room
am I going to stop being afraid?
Why am I afraid
to go grocery shopping?
I suppose there is a pill for that, but
why? Surrounded by so vast
a cloud of witnesses
why do I feel this alone
in the first place? Is heaven a place
and if so, will our poor
hairy speechless forebears--
all millions of years of them--
be there to greet us
if and when we arrive? The meek
shall inherit Auschvitz, too,
if they're not careful. Where to such obscenities
of thought originate? And are the words
we speak being mercilessly recorded, or
are we speaking the already written
premeditated words? Why
do I want to live
forever, and the next day
fervently wish I had died
when I was young? Why do I abruptly feel blessed?
And if (and it does) this city harbors
a single individual suffering
unendurably, am I
prepared to take his place?

*

Empty me of the bitterness and disappointment of being nothing but
myself
Immerse me in the mystery of reality
Fill me with love for the truly afflicted
that hopeless love, if need be
make me one of them again--
Awaken me to the reality of this place
and from the longed-for or remembered place
And more than thus, behind each face
induct, oh introduce me in-
to the halting disturbed ungrammatical soundless
words of others' thoughts
not the drivel coming out of our mouths
Blot me out, fill me with nothing but consciousness
of the holiness, the meaning
of these unseeable, all
these unvisitable worlds which surround me:
others' actual thoughts--everything
I can't percieve yet
know

know it's there.

Grief

I just don't want to live in a world without my grandmother.

(But I guess this is where ancestor worship comes from--a way to cope with losing the people who helped form us. Our thoughts go to them and turn into prayers for all the information we forgot to ask when they were around.)

Poem

Void and coincidence and blessing
at our heels; the right words at the wrong time
trip over stream rocks and cling to twigs.
Followed and hounded, we step into emptiness.
We cannot carry this heavy world
though at times it fits into the small of our backs.

Little Buddhas spread across the table top;
smoke signals from our fingertips;
find us here. Behind the ham and cobs,
we claim to know so much from this mud reflection.
We touch the tip of thank you. Gratitude won’t fit
into our mouths. The consonants and vowels we speak:
after all this time of presumed fluency, we’ve uttered
mispronunciation and misunderstanding.

Our names engraved heaven’s cemetery stones.
After we die, we reach our zombie hands—we blind creeps--
And feel for our identities in this dust where we’ve returned.
A breath of laughter encompasses all revelation. Speak to us
in days when lilies are enough.

Coupla Quotes

So, too, home for the three wise men and for us is not the manger where the light is gentle and God is a child. Peace is there, the peace that passes all understanding, but is not to be ours yet for a while. We also must depart into our country again, where peace is not found in escape from the battle but in the very heat of the battle. For outlandish creatures like us, on our way to a heart, brain, and courage, Bethlehem is not the end of our journey but only the beginning--not home but the place through which we must pass if ever we are to reach home at last.
--Frederick Buechner

I will understand
Everything has its plan
Either way.
--Wilco

Relationships

(This post is not about my wife or my mistress, although it's been a long time since I've had a decent conversation with either of them and I'm looking forward to finding some quality time with them. Someday. Some day.)

I've found that I've had to give myself pep-talks lately... here's what the latest one has been like--it comes from some talks I've had with Bose.

We don't always have control who we have connections with. Connections link and sever constantly. The healthiest way to go about these relationships is to pay close attention to the ones we're connected with now--not to think too much about the severed ones... (the ones that dropped you in the basement, alone, which happens to be a nice place to pray for them.)

Who is with you now? Dump God's love all over them. Who is fading out to the background? Distribute love (action of) according to the divine proximities that come about just from being. Simply being, moving on from one phase to the next, is bound to throw different folks your way. You'll grieve over the ones that get pushed into the background but don't spend too many of your thoughts on them. Don't break your arms off trying to touch people just out of your reach. Give your hands to the ones in your reach.

Because no one is out of the Lord's reach. Including yourself. You cannot be out of your Lord's reach.

Even if those who are supposed to be closest to you, your brothers even, even if those who are supposed to be your brothers beat you up and sell you off to be a slave in a foreign land... the Lord is with you.

Musician Challenge

Pick an artist: Wilco

Using only SONG NAMES from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions...no repeating song names...


1.) Are you a male or female?
I'm the man who loves you

2.) Describe your self.
Misunderstood

3.) Describe your day?
on and on and on

4.) Describe where you currently live:
What's the World Got in Store?

5.) If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Impossible Germany

6.) Your best friend is:
Far Far Away

7.) Your favorite color is:
Pot Kettle Black

8.) You know that:
Less than you think

9.) What's the weather like?:
Red-eyed and blue.

10.) If your life was a television show, what would it be called?:
Kicking Television

11.) What is life to you?:
Airline to Heaven

12.) What is the best advice you have to give?:
Why would you wanna live?

13.) Describe your ex?:
Outtasite (Outtamind)

14.) Your current love interest?:
Dreamer in my Dreams

15.) What's your favorite hobby?
Wishful thinking

16.) When you think of your friends you think?:
The Late Greats

17.) What do your friends think of you?:
Shot in the arm

18.) What does your current love interest think of you?:
I Got You

19.) You always travel with?:
Jesus, etc.

20.) The best way to end a long day?:
Shake it Off

...we'd all eat tonight

i wish-

-i could, just for one day, choose the music we listen to in the office

-someone would build a sabor latino on my soi

-dale's bible study met on my soi

-wilco would come to bangkok

-joel would come back to bangkok

-i could concentrate on my story long enough to pump out a draft

-i had a friday night free again

-i could go to the store alone without wondering if i'd been scammed

-every song sounded as good as bongo bong

-every movie was as delightful as little miss sunshine

-americans loved badminton like thais love badminton

-i had a photographic memory

Gap

I watch P'Amata strut to P'Jar's desk and hautily relate a story about Choc in Thai. That's all I know, that it's about Choc. I heard his name and I can tell when she's speaking about her boyfriend because she throws her head back a little and adopts a sort of cutesy rhythm in her voice. P'Jar, I know, makes a dirty joke because she sniff's a bit and gets that glazed look on her face like she did something bad and then she grins and laughs at herself. P'Neung responds quite loud; his tenor voice rips through the office through chuckles. P'Amata is arguing with him now; arguing through a grin. Her hands aren't on her hips but her chin is up a bit, which is her equivalent. P'Nok Sirin joins the game and shouts from behind her desk, whining and giggling at the same time. Her giggle sounds like my Aunt Donna's--a high trill. Amata defends herself and shoots energy into her fists pointed to the ground. P'Nok gets louder. P'George doesn't seem like he's paying attention. He's glued to his screen with a disatisfied look on his face. Then he softly mutters something poignant and unemotional through an unchanged expression. This comment breaks everyone up with laughter which bounces off the walls. The crowded laughter lasts a good fifteen seconds.

My eyes fill up with tears. I don't expect this reaction but I'm used to it. I breathe deeply until the tears seep back into their ducts. I don't feel sad; I'm not going to bust out crying or anything, but I am isolated by the idea that even if I did understand what they were saying, I wouldn't understand in full because they have decades of context to bolster their language. This is why I don't burden anyone with a translation request. Instead, I just think about the relief of the campfire and jokes crackling up through the burning wood. I think about reciting Sendak books because I can, because I was in a children's musical that used them as the text. I think about Dale's living room and listening to a story about how his friends staged a pretend rapture with clothes on the dining room chairs. I think of Grandma Henry opening her cardinal and the tears that filled Uncle Paul's eyes. I remind myself that we all have our own.

Here's an interesting article I read about the Left Behind series, from the Salon.

Negative Attitudes toward the United States in the Muslim World: Do They Matter?

The man who gave the testimony (to Congress... that is a transcript) came to Bangkok and I met him with my boss. They worked on a survey together about Thai people's opinions of the US.

I was very impressed by the article.

(Sorry if the blog's getting too political. Eh, not that sorry.)

Song of David

Green pastures of mist and misery
Take us to the mountain bare and cold.
Lambs ask for everything without words
I sit and gaze at the same pile of stones
This is the shepherd phase and sheep are idiots
I pull those sheep over cliffs and I write tunes in my head
That will never be as good as they are in my head
And the pastures turn yellow corn joy fields
Let us sing a song for every dead person no one will remember
Let us praise the repetitive flowers.

Cento

I've written a cento before and posted on this blog and you can dig through and try to find it if you're really all that interested. It was made of ee cummings, Franz Wright, and Pablo Neruda. I'm too lazy to repost it.

A cento is a a poem pieced from other poems. Other people's poems only, I believe. The book I'm pulling these forms from says that someone made a cento about the life of Jesus and pulled all the lines out of Homer. I'd like to read that.

This time I decided to piece one from bits of Biblical Psalms i jotted down in my last journal. So, all the lines are from Psalms (though not necessarily David's) and I'm not sure which numbers... I sort of rearranged the phrases a bit. I used the NIV in case you want to find one of the lines...

HAND

Your hands made me and formed me
Do not utterly forsake me.
Though I constantly take my life in my hands
do not let my hopes be dashed.

Your decrees are the theme of my song wherever I lodge.
Give me understanding—

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
My eyes are fixed on you
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there, your hand will guide me.
the eyes of all who look to you
you give them their food at the proper time
you open your hand and satisfy the desires
of every living thing.

dirty thainglish

"did you eat your fuk yet?"

(fuk is a thai vegetable and yet means fuck in thai)